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Will, a little bit about me! I live every moment like there will never be a second chance and live life to the fullest.... (Well it use to be my motto up until now)
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Over a month, have passed as my life has changed and its over a month since the day we last spoke and even longer since that terrible Friday afternoon when he decided to part ways. Things on my end are going.......well let's just say that I am alive. I don't remember when I asked for our relationship to begin, and neither the new life that is growing inside of me, but I remember the feelings he gave me whenever I was around him. I felt as if I was in a place where I would never get hurt and that's exactly what he did. I shared with him my mind (part of it), body, soul and most of all I give him my heart and we shared a feeling so deep that simply cannot be put into words. Having fought himself to get to where he wants me, done exactly what he said his going to do and in returned I've sacrificed and gave up everything, choosing him above my family and money and given him my all because I love him, my reason to be and wanted to be with him, only to throw that back in my face, as he'd realised he want his life back with his wife and children’s whatever the cost (at my cost), never, ever thinking of the sacrificed I made, forsaking everything I have just to be with him. To have given me so much in the beginning, made so many promises - with the love that which were so consumed with passion, and so full of promise, and to cut me out in such a manner is not only cruel but he have decided my fate by coming into my life making me believe in him, only to destroyed it in an immeasurable and incomprehensible way. I remember reading an article on the internet and it was all about lost love. "NEVER, EVER,EVER if you are lucky in life enough to meet that perfect match, never let go. Forsakes all others (which I did), your children will still visit you and love you. Your parents won't look down on you. Your true friends will understand. Never let go of that special person if you meet them. As I promise, you will regret it till your dying day. Don't miss that person for the rest of your life, take a risk!" I never had the chance to fight for that! Except that my world ended the day he said we're through. 
I don't really understand what happened but I died that day literally. I felt that the world I was living in was a horrible place. The happy go lucky girl he loved to be around was sad and angry and so stupidly (looking back now it was stupid) decided to put one’s life in an early grave as I didn’t see that I have any future at all. The man in the sky however, thought that there's still yet life left in me, and brought me back to the land of the living, rightly so because unknown to me there’s a new life in the making. Would he have care if he’d known that I try to take oneself out of this world? Would he care? I'm assuming of course, I don't think he would.  Nothing hurts more than losing that someone you love. The one you are so trusting of, that one you have so much respect and admiration. I have never realized or thought the pains of love could hurt as much. It's actually worse than the death of a loved one. And now here I am, my fate has turned out so cruel and what a mess I made of it; as I and my unborn child face the future alone. Yes, I am carrying his child! 
And he wants me to have an abortion. I am not proud of how my life turned out, not only that I lost everything I mean everything (coz my family completely disowned me and cut me off financially because of him) I am facing motherhood alone and I'm faced also with stigma of being with child outside marriage which will never do in my culture or in how I was brought up, it’s a total devastation to say the least. What he’d done was immeasurable and incomprehensible. How can he be so callous? He must understand that he made a conscious decision when he put everyone’s live in this mess and ruined mine and was the one who’s purely responsible and will have to live with the consequences no matter what. And now he wants me to kill his baby? That’s murder! What a pitiful excuse for a man that won't take responsibility for his actions. What about me in all this? Where do I come in all this? How does he think I feel about this? I am going to have to deal with it and live with it- not him for the rest of my life. What's unfair (if I do go ahead and have an abortion which I made it clear that I won’t!) is that this baby doesn't get a chance purely based on his selfishness.

 

And he thinks killing his baby is ok because it’s suit him just fine. Hell NO! He is as equally responsible for this mess as I am. And what gives him the right to play God by telling me to abort the child? What gives him the right to just walk away leaving me behind with this dilemma? I didn’t plan this to happen! This wasn't how it was supposed to be. I can’t tell you enough how scared I am of this. Below is the extract of his exact email he sent to me giving me as he think that because it "it’ll upsets his happy little set up", is the greatest reason for an abortion. HELL NO! 

Here's his email:-

“Ok I'm going to be totally honest with you about all this...........
I didn't tell you the truth about my wife - in terms of I made out my relationship with her was worse than it was -that she was a right bitch which she wasn't. She is the kindest selfless compassionate person you could ever meet. Yes we had our arguments and problems in our marriage like everyone else. However my reason for leaving her to be with you is more complex than it seems.....I have been to the doctor, and it seems I'd been suffering from depression - as I have been very moody, get stressed out about the slightest thing i.e. traffic jams, my kids doing things etch - A lot of it I believe was following my Father’s death almost two years ago now - probably the same length of time I'd been moody - You see my father died of lung cancer, and before they found the cancer in his lungs as he'd collapsed and they’d done a scan on his brain they found a growth there - a secondary growth (in the brain) to the lung cancer. I remember he'd become a right moaner a couple years before him being diagnosed with the cancer. I have a couple of lumps on my body I've been worried about, and sometimes have thought maybe I'm going to go the same way as him. In my marriage, over the last 1 1/2 years if I'd an argument or my wife said things to me to annoy me in heat of the moment - I'd try and act as if i wasn't bothered, and bury them under the carpet, hoping they'd go away - you see she and I never really talked about things like that - she devoted herself to the kids, and I found myself getting less attention from her - but again my makeup was to bury it under the carpet. Then you and I started conversing, it felt great I romanced you by email, you responded and made me feel really good, so much so that I think I entered a mid-life crisis finding you exciting vibrant, and your attention addictive. I didn't really think anything of it till we met, then after that well you know the rest, I had another argument, she accused me of ruining the peace in the household at which point as I went to bury it under the carpet, I saw all the other stuff there, finally cracked and announced I was leaving. I can’t tell you how terrible it was to see her suffer the few weeks before I finally left, but I thought I was alright because I was getting you. I can't really explain how this happened - to give up 20 years of marriage like that in that way was really bizarre - my only explanation can be mid-life crisis, depression which equals wrong frame of mind, coupled with at the back of my mind I'd have you. I never thought of my family, the impact it would have on their lives - or indeed yours - so theoretically I was being selfish - but I can honestly say I didn't see that at the time.

Following my counselling sessions with Doc re Depression etc, I realised what I'd done to my family, how my kids were alienated, and how could I have done that to my wife - I realised you and I could never work. Please don't misread my bluntness or ignoring you as intent to hurt you - it's not - it's my makeup - when I don't know how to deal with a problem I try to put it to the back of my mind hoping it'll go away.
Onto your "suicide" attempt I am sorry - I thought it was a stunt to get my attention because you wanted to find out what you'd done wrong - don't blame yourself - you haven’t done anything wrong and I didn't intentionally do anything wrong either. My life is in such a mess as yours is too, and If you really are pregnant - I'm so so sorry - I thought that you were saying that to get back at me for the way I let you go - I hope that that was the reason, and that you are not pregnant - however if you are, I can't imagine what you are going through. It's not easy to say this and isn't meant to sound callous, but I don't think you'd be able to cope with the worry of it all on your own for 9 months, there is no us anymore - I'm so so sorry, and I hope you will consider a termination - horrible I know to even type that never mind say it - please consider this. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for all the upset I've caused you, your family and your friends - and I hope you find true love and happiness and I’m sure you will.

I also hope you can find it in your heart to let me go, and to as upsetting as it is for you, let me try and build the broken bridges with my family. Communication with my wife is hard - but we have talked - she doesn't know about you - she suspects there was someone else, and will be broken hearted if she finds there was - Maybe in your eyes I don't deserve any happiness, but she doesn't deserve to go through a whole lot of upset and humiliation again - can you not please find it in your heart of hearts to let me have an opportunity to get my family together, and learn from all this, and lots of things you've taught me how to become a better father and husband? (in terms of showing affection) My 79 year old Mother who’s not keeping in the best of health will be another one devastated to find this out - You are in a very powerful position to make me suffer for eternity depending on what action you take - which will also result in making my wife, kids, and mother suffer for eternity too. I hope you never misled me by saying you were not a vindictive person, or that you never had a bad bone in your body - I hope somehow, no matter how you're hurting, you'll please let this go for my children’s sake - and please see that for what it is I'm asking you, begging you - please do not let them or my wife suffer anymore than they have already. I really hope you can understand better having read the above and that you can move on and have a happy life.

Sorry for my part in upsetting you and your life - I mean that sincerely”

Ah, what a shame I am going to break his wife's poor little heart? What a pitiful excuse for a man that won't take responsibility for his actions!

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Hi I want to cancell my account but I cant seem to find a command to do it. Can anyone tell me how to? thanks

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We meet through a modelling site I joined as a model, and unknown to me all new members is circulated to let other members know that a new member had just join in.  As a photographer he contacted me for a tfcd shoot. In his email he told me that he had something in mind an oriental theme of some sort which would be great to add to his already extensive portfolio and I have the look his looking for and wanted to shoot me. After a brief communication I agreed to work with him but need to be put on hold as I was due to go home to China for a vacation to visit my family, and so we decided and set up for March upon my returned. He ask me to get him some prop while am there like oriental parasol amongst other oriental paraphernalia which can be use on our shoot and he’ll reimburse me with it when we meet. 
That initial contact was the start of our humorous and kind a jokey emails. I can’t remember exactly what our conversation was but I end up telling him that I was half Chinese and half Filipina which he like the sound of and promise to be in touch while I’m in China, which I did with pictures of Beijing, the Great Wall, my mom home town of Qingdao and last but not least me.  While I was there, I found out that my mother was terminally ill and was given less than 2 year or so to live. I emailed him to tell him that I won’t be back for the shoot as plan reason being my mother being taken ill.  After telling him about how ill my mom was and what illness it was, he told me that he went through similarly with his father(which kind a comforting) who died if I heard him correctly just a little over a year prior and if I need someone to talk too, he’ll be there for me.  And so our communication flow and we we’re talking emailing each other often.  Although he weren’t there with me in the flesh he was there at the end of the line. And through the chaos in my mind he became my focus, my sense of calm as I watch my mom in horror go through the pain cause by chemo. He just seem to have the knack of how or what to say exactly to reassure me that everything is going to be alright and at the same time he let me see and face the reality that my mom is on borrowed time.  His email become personal and had a romantic edge to it. I ask many times where he was going with the romantic gesture but he never answers me and quickly changes the subject.  I ask him to tell me about himself and told me that he has 2 children age 16 and 14 and a dog which I thought was sweet. I ask him many things like what make him tick, his pet hate and so forth.....and what he look like, bear in mind that his got the advantage over me, as he know what I look like through my modelling portfolio. He describe yourself as an old fogy with ginger hair that’s balding a little, a gentle giant of an ogre with a giant heart and came away with a description of Shrek which I find very amusing especially when he email me with a Shrek and Princess Fiona theme to it like poems. From then on, Shrek becomes him and I became your Princess Fiona and I love his wit and sense of humour and find him an absolute scream. And so he acquired the Shrek persona in which every email (well most) he’ll sign it or finish it off with “from Shrekky and donkey”. 

He ask me why with the face and body like mine I remained single and told him I was once married but divorced my husband through infidelity when caught him in bed with my best friend. He was so surprised when he heard it that I didn’t think he’d believe me.  As weeks then months pass by, through his witty emails and Shrek persona, I realised that I was falling for him from the inside out and could not care less if he was an ogre or not. I didn’t care about the 18 years age gap or that he has 2 children and a dog or whatever or whether he looks like Shrek, all I know is that he got me. Unknown to me however, He was already in love with me. Still neither one of us would admit to how we feel in fear of making a fool ourselves although I did say in one email I wrote that Princess Fi is falling for Shrek but he never catch on. Although he wasnt letting on I suss him out but I wanted to hear it straight from the horse’s mouth.  For almost a year of talking and still my question was answered so I email him to say that I surrender meaning I give up! Not on you but my questioning. And he email me back telling me that he surrender too. I never reply to that email as I was pre occupied on my mom’s progressing illness which at this time had worsened. Sadly after almost a year of battling with the illness she never live with the time scale given as she succumbs to it and died at home on November 12th 2009. All of the family was there and I was holding her hand when she passes away, I was devastated! That day my 2 brothers and I, become officially orphans as both our parents is now gone. As it’s in my culture, my eldest brother Rory become the head of the family and being the youngest and the only girl I have to comply out of respect and honour of the family name.  Anyways, the death of my mom got to me and I needed to get away from it all, and needed new scenery so I decided to come back to Edinburgh without telling my brothers. Two days after arriving I thought I'd email him apologising for not been in touch in months and told him that mom lost her battle but never told him that am back in UK. It was about a little after 9 in the cold December morning and I was still in bed when he calls. Thinking that I was still in China he was rather miff when he hear not an international ring tone but a British tone so I told him that I wanted to wait couple of days before I inform anyone that I was back in the UK. So we chatted briefly and arrange to meet for a coffee later that week. The day for us to meet arrives and I got to our meeting point early as to scan whose coming and who’s going. I don’t know what I’m expecting perhaps because I had no idea what he look like that I was awfully nervous.  Right on cue there he was not what I pictured in my mind but thought he was decent and smartly dressed. His Shrek description was a little over rated, ok he had ginger hair, balding very little and with what I call a little beer belly, but overall not bad at all. As we sat waiting to be served he handed me a bag and inside was a perfume. I was taken aback as it was rather odd but since it was close to Christmas I took it and said thanks. I wasn’t expecting to be handed a gift and feel guilty coz I never got him anything but he didn’t mind. He handed me his work portfolio to be look at and I quickly browse through it and told him it was really good.  I sat so rigidly nervous that I played with a plastic bag, can’t remember where I acquired it from but it must have been annoying him that he grab it and took it away.
As we were having our coffee I see in him something that I’ll never see in anyone else.  And there and then I knew that I wanted to get to know him but was so scared. Unknown to me he feel the same way about me but said nothing. I didn’t want him to go when it was time but was very happy when he asks if we could meet another time but this time over lunch. It was very cold outside and so he offered to give me a lift home but I refused not because I didn’t want to but because I didn’t know him and we’ve just meet, not only that also, I was sharing an apartment with my ex sister-law and it wouldn’t go very well if I been seen being drop off with a man. As it was a Christmas week we set a date just a little later, still in December in fact it was the 29th.  I couldn’t wait for that day to come and when it finally comes, I felt like a school kid again. I arrived
early so I thought on our pre distain meeting place but he was already there.  After a brief greeting I climb into his car and he drove to find a place where we’re we could have lunch.  And on the way as it was still early for have lunch we stop at a tea and coffee place first for a cuppa and I was just about to open the car door when he grab me on the collar of my coat and give me a long lingering kiss.  It feels so good that I didn’t resist and from then on I knew I am his. For the first time in heaven knows how long I felt that it’s my happiest I’d ever been in a long time.  He orders a green tea for me and a coffee or was it a latte for him and brought it up to the table.  As we sat he handed me a box and inside was a lovely silver bracelet with a heart on it. I took it, put it on and give him a kiss to say how much I appreciate him doing that. We left the coffee shop and head to where were going for our lunch. We found a lovely place and the lunch was good and the company was good too I didn’t want the day to end. After lunch we thought will go for a walk to work our lunch off. It was so cold outside that we decided to just stay in the car so we can talk. I am a very private person and I’m a woman of a few words and if I tell you something you need to believe it without a doubt coz what I say is the truth and nothing but. I don’t easily let anyone get into my head which I think is my downfall but he want to know everything about me so I told him to the best of my knowledge what my background was where I came from who’s who in my family and things that wasn’t easy to talk about as it bring a rather painful memory but all in all I think I covered my family history. We talk then kiss then talk and then kiss more and were relishing every second that I’m with him. That’s when he the dropped bombshell and told me that not only he has children and a dog which he already told me but he also got a wife. It feels as if a knife just went through my heart as you can well imagine.  In a quiet voice I ask “why didn’t you tell me this before when you had a.lmost a year to tell me that”. His reply was “I didn’t want to lose you, and if I told you I was married I don’t think you’ll talk to me at all let alone entertain my romantic innuendo you’ll probably run a mile” you said.  Well that was rather understated. Calmly, I ask him to drop me back to where my car was which he kindly so. The 10 minutes or so drive to get there feels like forever, he tried to explain his reasons but I was so hurt that I hardly said a word. Got back to my car and say my goodbyes
When I got home I message him to say thanks for the gift and the lovely lunch and told him never to contact me again and explain that I am not going to be made as an escape goat for the demised of his marriage or be responsible for the breakup of his family and I certainly would not want to be his mistress as that will never be acceptable in my culture and in my family for that matter. No way! For days he beg me and chased me like a shadow and haunt me like a ghost to make me listen and let him talk but I wouldn’t have any of it and told him he had his reason for not telling me and there’s nothing to talk about. Eventually after days of his persistent not face to face but one of his many telephone calls I agreed to listen. He told me that he’d been married for 20 year and his marriage had not been a happy one and had deteriorated over time, more so in the last 2 years when there’s absolutely no physical contact in whatsoever. And that he’ll do whatever it takes risk it all as he’d put it to prove to me that he is serious about me but I refused, wouldn’t have it and went home to Singapore.
I guess with my refusal  to see him, that’s when on Feb. 1st 2010 he told his wife it was over and announce he was leaving as soon as he get his own place!  I didn’t know what to make of it. I should have been happy but I wasn’t, instead I was horrified and I suddenly feel guilt ridden as to the enormity of what he’d done just hit me. I never thought that he’ll actually do it or as quickly as that! I tried to persuade him to rethink and beg him to fix whatever is wrong with your marriage, but he wasn’t having any of it. It’s too late he said it’s done and his decision is final, he wants me and that’s that. I feel absolutely terrible for wife and the children knowing they’ll be completely devastated. I tried to reason with him again but he seems to have the knack (perhaps because he’s a salesman) to turns my thinking around. I can't really explain why I agree to continue liaising with him over emails, text and phone calls -my only explanation was I was in love with him.

 

When I ask if he told his wife when asks if there’s someone else which she did, he told her NO! I ask him why not? “To protect you” he said. Naively maybe fuel with my deep feelings for him I believe that he meant what he said.He’d write me poems expressing how he feel about me sometimes funny, sometimes very sombre. Sometimes he made it up and sometimes it was a copy and paste job which he added his bit to it and made it his own but it didn’t bothered me because I know it’s coming from his heart.  I couldn’t write as good as he was so I look on the internet for an appropriate wording for love a letters or a poems and when I find something appropriate to express my love for him I would add bits here and there and made it my own too and send it to him. He made a conscious decision that he want to be with me and wants to be together sooner rather than later. Prior to us hooking up however, he had booked a family holiday from the 20th June to Grand Canary for two weeks and he wasn’t sure (now that he’d announce he was leaving) whether he should go with his wife and children. I told him that whether we’re together or not he should go as it’ll be a waste of money if he didn’t after all he’d already paid for it.  He agree with me on that and yes he wanted to go for the children sake but he feel that it wouldn’t be fair on me and beside; his wife he says wouldn’t want him there. And so and not to miss out and to prove that he meant what he say, he surprised me when he emailed me of a booking to Paris for 10 days upon returned to join him.. And as it’s customary in my culture, it was imperative that I got my brothers blessings for both of us. I know that his situation when I tell my family aren’t going to go in my favour and in my heart they are not going to agree with my choice and was anxious and scared. I talk to him about my concern, the concern that there’s a high probability that they’re going to disown me and be cut off financially. That didn’t faze him in whatsoever; proceeded to tell me that we’ll cross that bridge when it comes. All he wants is for me to get back in one piece so that he can hold me in his arm and live together happily ever after. I was afraid and scared but his constant reassurance that everything is going to be alright, had given me hope that yeah I can live with that coz I know that, that’s what I want too regardless. I talk to him about me having my own place when I return but he talk me out of it and persuade me that we should live together when I get back. He calls me every night before I go to sleep (except on one or two occasion) which make my day a little easy. I told him that I am going to ask for my brothers blessing at my aunts 60th birthday which was Saturday 7th of May when the entire guest were away. He advice me or tells me rather what to tell them which is exactly what I did, except that it didn’t go accordingly as I completely bulls it up, and what I fear the most happened. I tried to reason with them and make them understand but it was futile they don’t want to know. The way they look at it, I am a disgrace to the family and I’m dishonouring the family name.  I have a much closed nit family and I am much closed to them and never had any disagreement with any of them and to lose them over him is absolutely devastating. He phoned the following night and told him what had happen. He was surprised and couldn’t believe it I guess. Again he was there to give a soothing words and he apologise for being the cause of the rift telling me that they’ll come round to it and assured me that I will never regret what I’ve done because his going to make me happy and his going to take care and look after in every possible way, and what my brothers can’t give, he’ll give.  He was however, afraid that the pressure from my family might will get to me and that I might change my mind and not come back, reminding me what he’d just given up to be with me; a comfortable life with a good job a nice house a wife and kids basically a perfect family portrait.  In his words life won’t be worth living if I decided never to come back. I reminded him with the promised I made beforehand that with or without the family blessing I’ll be back and we will be together because it’s him that I want.  “I won’t be happy” he’d say “until I hold you in my arm once and for all and for good”.
I was schedule to fly back in mid May arriving May the 18th and  keep reiterating that helove me so much itactually hurt in which I reply “yes I know coz I feel much the same”.  At last the time has come.....after my delayed flight from HK I arrived in Heathrow in the early hour of the morning and find that my schedule flight to Edinburgh was cancelled.  Spend the whole day in London waiting for that next crucial flight back to Edinburgh and all the time we’d talk and text till the battery of my phone give up.  Bruised, tired and scared, scared of the uncertainty, I landed in Edinburgh in the early evening and he was there waiting. Having had no sleep for over 24hrs, I was somehow disorientated and didn’t know where I was, but boy how good it was to see him. He certainly did everything to make me comfortable and happy. He took a couple of days off work so that his there with me while recovering from the jetlag. He made me feel so good and wanted that all my worry of my family disowning me and the probability that I been cut off financially came to an insignificant, it was bless. I have just a week to recover from the dreaded jetlag before we fly to Paris for our holiday. Two days before we were due to fly to Paris on June the 3rd I found out that money I normally received every month from my family state had ceased.  It was such a blow that I cried myself to sleep thinking what the hell have I done and wonder whether or not my decision to be with him was the right decision but it’s too late for that now there’s no turning back, I have to ride the storm. Up until that moment before there were him, I have a very good and a privilege life, money wasn’t an object, I can get anything I want, whatever I want and when I want. I have never been in the situation where I have to rely on someone to take care of me, and now there I was at his mercy, helpless like a baby relying on him for everything to survive. And so in returned I took on the role of a housewife which he commented me on of how good I was. He told me that I’ll make a good housewife for with the way I take care and look after things in the house. I look after his every need as best as I can as it’s all I can give at that moment in time until I got myself a job and start earning money to help. Do you have any idea how demoralising it was relying on someone for everything? It was so demoralising that I could die!  He reassured me not to worry, it could be just a glitch he says with the international banking, but in my heart I know that, that’s not the case. Well go to Paris he tells me and well have a good time. I tried and tried to contact my family in any way I can, by text, calls and emails but no joy. Email was never answered, calls never answered and text never answered. So I resigned to the fact that I’ve been disowned and been financially cut off, in other word I’m fucked,I basically lost everything over him!  But I regret not as I had it in my mind that it wouldn't matter what we have to struggle through, we are going to make it and I believe in him. The Paris holiday was amazing but run in on a few snag and on a while thinking I hope he is worth it as I have justlost everything. When we got back from Paris, I scour the net looking for job but nothing suits and even if I found something suitable, it was based in London and nothing in Scotland. Weeks pass, then his wife and children were due to fly on their holiday to Grand Canary the holiday that he should have been. HH He went to see his children the day before they left which was the Saturday and when he come back he told me how sad and awful he feel seeing them and not being with them. When, I hear him say that, pain sear through my heart, feeling all the emotions and guilt but re compensate it by the thought that he made the conscious decision to be without them. That Monday night I notice something different when he came from work on how his not been as attentive as he normally do towards me, but brush it off as him being tired with a lack of sleep since landed with his daughter dog (which keep us up at night) to look after while she’s on holiday but I said nothing and I told him that I am going to see a friend on a Friday weekend. Tuesday pass, then Wednesday then Thursday and on a while I feel that he was rather cold then Friday came.
By now it was 1 month, 1 week and 2 days since I’d come back to be with him. He’d come home early Friday the 25th from work so he can drop me off as plan at
my friend.  That’s when he drops the bombshell!  took me aside and tells me that he want to part ways
as he'd realised he want his life back with his wife and children’s whatever the cost (at my cost) and so I have to go and find a place to stay preferably before Monday the 28th   as he say, his only got a week before they return to try and get them back. I was stunned and horrified and ask him why? What have I done? He told me that I’ve done absolutely nothing!  And that he’d received an email from his son tellingly tells him how amazing the place was, and made him realised that he should have been there with them as a family and he cannot live to himself for what he’d done to them.  He told me that when he meet me (in not in a conventional way as he put it) he was going through midlife crises; his marriage were going nowhere and he was unhappy. He got infatuated, was besotted and fall head over heels in love with me with the attention I’d given which made him feel good and wasn’t thinking about the consequences. As you can well imagine I was stunned, head spinning in complete shocked and lost for words.  In my mind I was thinking hello! “You’re a 47 year old man and I’m coming on 30, you had 1 year and 4 month to think about it, half of which you’ve fought your way to get to where you want me and now you’re telling me that you never thought about that”? I can’t remember exactly what I said after that, but what he’d done not to his wife and children but TO ME were immeasurable and incomprehensible for a better word. How can he be so callous? The one thing that he was afraid and scared that I may do to him had finally been realised, the only different was, and it’s the other way around.  Devastated, in a quiet voice I said “what am I supposed to do now where am I going to go? I just remember him saying to me, “you’ve got friends aren’t you not that you can stay with”? That was like a bullet through my head and itmight just as well been one. Inconsolable, his words of comfort cuddle and kisses to try and make me understand why he have to do what he have to do must just as well be a bullet to my brain.  I don’t know how I found the strength but I held my head up high got my cases and with his helppack the remnant of whatever left of my life into my cases. I couldn’t take my cases right away as I don’t have anywhere to stay but told him that I will collect them as soon as I can. And knowing that I have nowhere to stay still reminded me that my belonging had to be out of his house preferably before the Monday and he offer to drop it off wherever I am going to be. And since I had physically no money he gave me something to get me through hardly over a couple of days. There was hardly a word spoken, as he drove me to my friend. The one thing I remember about the 45 minutes drive was him saying to me “you are not a vindictive person are you? And I hope you’re not thinking of killing yourself” how appropriate that was! Got to my friend, told her nothing in fear of being made a fool and embarrassment, I carry on as usual. She let me stay for another couple of days and while there I got in touch with a dear friend of mine who I remember offering me a place to stay the next time I’m the city and ask if she can put me up temporarily until I get myself and my life sorted. Embarrassed, I had no choice but to tell her everything and luckily she welcomes me with an open arm, cried with me and kindly takes me in. That Saturday night he came and drops my things, he tried to touch me but it was too painful seeing him and pushes him away. The cases were too heavy and offer to take it up upstairs and I said no I can manage it myself thanks. He wishes me to say he’d hope I’ll find some happiness and that I’ll find someone that will love me. I was absolutely devastated hearing him say that. I was completely broken I couldn’t find the voice and the strength to answer him. That was the last time I saw him. He never even call or text me to this day to find out how I was doing. Looking back I realised why he never told his wife when ask ifthere’s another woman involved. I do wonder however, would she take him back with an open arm should the truth about how he’d left them had been known? Only he can answer that.

 

 

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