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But I can be, if you prove to me your worth.
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So... it's been a while.

So much has happened, but I don't know where to start.

Two years has passed since that dreadful episode ... two years.

That's 730 days in total. Not including the couple of days that have passed as well.

All I can say is .. WOW.

Honestly, genuinely ... WOW.

I dare say I've come a long way.

I dare say that part of my life is finally over.

I dare say that he is no longer in my heart.

I dare say that the two of them belong together,

And I dare say that this whole experience, I will remember forever.

And I dare say that if he ever tries to put me down again, I will be armed.

'Cos baby, I've learnt to play your game, and I damn well will beat you at it if I need to.

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Take A Bow

[Verse 1:]
The flowers are faded now
Along with your letters
They will never see the light of day
Cause I'll never take them out
And there's no turning back
Its for the better
Baby I deserved more than empty words
And promises
I believed everything you said
And I give you the best I had

So take a bow.
Cause you've taken everything else
You played the part and like a star you played it so well
Take a bow
'cause this scene is coming to an end
I gave you love. All you give me was pretend
So now... Take a bow

[Verse 2:]
The future's about to change
Before you know it the curtain closes
Take a look around
There's no one in the crowd
I'm throwing away the pain
And you should know that your performance it made me stronger now


Well it must have been slight of hand
'cause I still can't understand
How I could never see
Just what a fool believed

But the lies they start to show
Tell me how it feels to know

Right now that I wont be around
So baby before I put you out

Take a bloody bow, then get out of my life.


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The only reason I'm doing this is because I want - no, I need to stop hurting.

And I don't want my stupid, confused and messed up emotions to hurt you either.

Please forgive me.


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I sit, gazing out my darkened bedroom window
my eyes downcast, my heart, ablaze with sorrow
For in my heart lies a secret, a truth that you don't know
A secret, a truth, of which I do not dare let you know

You've gone far away, that much is true
But I do not know, why this this heart is still pining for you
For six months, they have come and they have gone
But still I sit on my prayer mat every night, asking, What did I do wrong?

What do I lack, in this soul of mine,
that you've gone far, far away, and don't even seem to acknowledge that love that we once had,
not even once?

O Keeper of a huge piece of my heart, I ask of you,
Will I ever, ever get over you?

How do I get over you, when He always places you in my path?
How do I get over you, when our two worlds, somehow, always seem to collide?
How do I get over you, when it seems like He does not allow me to?

& by His grace He has shed much of His shining light on me,
& with His will He has shown so much of His plans of my life to me,
& He has allowed me to see things, that baffle me, leave me aghast
at how low a level a person can stoop down to, really, but they forget that in the end,
the only thing they'll be holding on to is their own evil dust.

O Keeper of a huge piece of my heart, I ask of you,
Keep the doors your heart open, don't seal them shut,
For if they're closed you will not receive the wisdom of His light

I pray that you see the truth for what it really is;
don't ruin your life for something that you thought could go back to what it once was.

Change is the key to this life, so please embrace it
Don't push it away just cos you have a deep fear of it
For He will be there to guide you every step of the way,
just like how He's been there for you, every single day.

So I pen this poem for you, my secret love,
'cos I cherish the love that we once shared,
& never do I want you away from Him & His love.

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I love you,
but I hate what you are doing to me;
what your love has put me through.

It's almost as if you don't give two shits about what happens to me;
not even if I'm sick,
or if I lose my voice,
or if I fall down a flight a stairs at work;

You'll never know all of this;

Because you don't care enough to check on me.
And why don't you care?

Because I am unimportant to you.
I mean nothing to you.
I am nothing but a mere speck of dust on your skin, one that you can dismiss with but a simple brush of your hand.

Those who know what I'm going through tell me that I'm insane;
that you don't love me;
if you do love me as you have always said you do, you wouldn't have left me for her,
and I should just forget about our past, because what we had was a lie.

A farce.

And even though it hurts and stings like hell, I have no choice but to push you to the back of my head and move on.

Because I deserve to smile too.

And somewhere out there, someone deserves to see that smile too.

Someone who's not you.

So that's it.

Goodbye, my friend.
Goodbye, my love.
Goodbye, my guardian angel.



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I hate being in the state that I am in right now. I feel so torn between moving on, and keeping the love of my life close to my heart.

For the first time in my whole entire life, I fell in love. And for the first time in my whole entire life, the guy I loved, loved me back. Unconditionally, wholly, truly, fully.

After a failed almost relationship with this guy at college, I gave up on guys. I'm not saying I decided to turn lesbian or whatever, no, but I just... gave up on guys.

That was in late 2006, all the way through to 2007.

In June 2007, I started to notice this one guy in particular, who was the older brother of a close friend. Let's call him Ian. I knew nothing about Ian, apart from the fact that he was smart, funny, wise, and was someone who had a close relationship with God. Plus, he was totally someone who looked out for his siblings and his family. From my observations I got that he was willing to do anything for his loved ones, and I found that incredibly admirable and inspiring. And on top of all that, he was (still is) very, very hot.

So, seeing how perfect Ian was (still is). I knew he was never going to notice me in that way, 'cos he was way out of my league. Hot, smart, funny perfect guys would never look at girls who looked like me, I thought. So I pushed my feelings for him aside, and only let them arise whenever I saw him during the weekends (we teach at a religious school together), or whenever some guy from school wanted to ask me out, an image of him would come to mind and I'd turn my nose up at the said interested guy and sniff, "No way, you're nowhere as fabulous as someone else I know."

I'm serious, I did that. Bitchy, much? You don't have to tell me, trust me - I know.

Ok, so I pretty much coasted through the rest of college without an actual guy in my life; but at the same time, only having him, Ian, in my thoughts and daydreams. I was pretty contented with the way things were; me liking a guy who has no idea about my feelings for him; and constantly sizing other guys up against him. And most of the time, those guys who were sized up, failed the test.

So that was the way my life was, right up till I graduated from college, and got a job as a teacher at an out-of-town preschool. And all the while, I still saw him during the weekends at the religious centre. Often, I didn't speak to him; I'd just quietly admire him from afar. We spoke, don't get me wrong. We smiled at each other, and sometimes I'd notice him looking over at me, at times when I think he thought I wasn't looking. But that was it. Our interactions were limited to the times we saw each other during the weekends, or meetings, or staff holidays. But that was it.

Until June 2008, where our families, two close familial units, came together for a holiday, sort of like a going-away present to Mary, Ian's sister - she was leaving the country to further her studies in an overseas university. Only at the last minute, Mary couldn't come, but her dad still went on with the holiday anyway. And during that trip, this Ian, this lovely, thoughtful Ian, got me a book. It was a book based on the life of a religious Muslim man, who was torn in between loving two beautiful women; one a religious Muslima, the other, a devout Christian who had a heart that was made of gold. Before this trip, we had all gone on staff holiday trip together, and during one of those rare snatches of conversations I had with him, I had told him I was looking for that book, but couldn't find it.

And then, a week later, at this holiday trip with our families, he saw a few copies being sold at one of the stalls of the Malaysian market we were at, and got it for me.

And when he knocked on the window of my family car, and I quickly pushed the windows down, only to look up into that warm, lovely smile, and those dark eyes twinkling down on me, and when he passed me the book through the open window; I guess it was that moment that I truly, deeply, fell in love with him.

I didn't realise just how deeply I had fallen, till he got thrown off his bike in an accident, about a month after the family trip, and two weeks after Mary had already left the country. I remember being devastated, and helpless, and frustrated. I remember bursting into tears in the cab, while on the way home from an outing with a close girlfriend, after I got the news from my sister and my mom. I remember not sleeping that very night, tossing and turning in bed, eyes bloodshot, heart aching, mind screaming. I remember praying constantly for him and his family.

And for the days that followed, that vicious inner emotional cycle continued, unseen by everybody else but me. He was constantly in my thoughts, and I was constantly worrying about his wellbeing. But it was hard, because I wasn't a close friend, I wasn't a family member, I wasn't a relative; and it would seem very dubious if I suddenly showed up at his doorstep with a bowl of chicken soup and a shoulder to cry on, wouldn't it? And that knowledge alone left me a wreck, emotionally, on the inside. 

During those few days of being on that emotional rollercoaster, I had no idea why I felt that way. It was horrible; everytime I was alone, I would start to cry, just thinking about his condition and feeling so helpless, because I couldn't do anything to help him.  

And so one night, I just suddenly sat up bolt upright, blinking back my tears in a sudden bout of surprise. And that was when I realised that I was deeply, irrevocably, in love with Ian. And what killed me was the fact that he didn't know.

Call me crazy, call me weird, but somehow I knew that one day, we would both become close. I guess I must have known it all along, especially after that failed almost-relationship; because I didn't bother looking at other guys, or shot down any who even had the nerve to breathe the same air I did. Even now, looking through all the entries in my private blog that are all about Ian, Ian, and Ian again, it was obvious. That I had just been patiently waiting for the day that he would finally notice me, and speak to me.

And that did happen. Him speaking to me, I mean.

Before Mary left, we (the young teachers at the religious centre), decided to throw her a surprise farewell party. And since I was the one who had suggested it, alot of the responsibility fell on me. And since Ian is Mary's older brother, the two of us liased alot with each other, discussing, scheming, planning, and helping each other out. And somehow along the way, we found ourselves on each other's IM's lists. And the discussions carried on.  

After Mary left, and after his accident, even though there was nothing much to talk about besides work and the kids and the religious centre, we got talking on IM. We started talking about God, about religion, and it felt amazing, to be able to talk to someone who was going through the exact thing I was.

(Note to readers: You have to take note that after I graduated from college, I was going through some really tough, major spiritual changes, and after Mary left, I made one radical decision on my own; I decided to don the hijab, leave my "wild" days behind and be a good Muslima. It was difficult at first, because alot of my friends had a tough time adjusting to the changes I was going through, and I got a lot of criticism as well. But hey, all is good now, thanks to Him. (:)

But during our fourth or fifth IM conversation, he told me that he had a girlfriend.

I was crushed, of course. I was devastated. Duh. Who wouldn't be, right? But I took it all in stride. I valued his friendship too much to let my feelings override it all, that I decided to push my feelings for him aside and focused on being someone who could possibly be his close friend.

And so we became inseparable on IM. At first we would chat with each other like, twice a week, or sometimes thrice. But then those chats became even more frequent. And after another staff holiday/work retreat together, we became even closer, and our chats took an all-time high. We would chat almost every night; talking, laughing, joking, discussing every issue under the sun. And many times we chatted the night away, all through till the morning.

And from those chats, we progressed to meet-ups. I remember our first meet-up together being not exactly the most romantic place in the world; a quiet, non-descript coffeeshop tucked away deep in the heart of my neighbourhood marketplace. It wasn't exactly the most romantic place, but it was definitely memorable.

And that meet-up wasn't just for any old meet-up either. He wanted some advice about a problem he was having with his girlfriend, only, at the time, he told me it was his friend who needed the advice. It's a pretty religious-based question, and I don't know whether I want to post it on here, because it's really private? But all you need to know is that the problem he was facing, is most definitely the strongest reason why he left me for her in the end.

So from that meet-up, I guess we both got closer. But there were some stuff he didn't let me in on; like his feelings about the death of his late mother, his sister's absence in his life... the guy lost alot of people who were close to him - his mother, his grandmother, and now his sister, although her absence from his life is temporary. But still. The pain of losing someone dear to your heart; that pain should just be made illegal, I swear.

I don't know how, I don't know why, but when he broke up with his girlfriend, I was the one he came to first. And I took it upon myself to help him get through it; giving him advice, sorting through this confused thoughts and emotions together, just always being there for him; a constant pillar of strength and support.

He broke up with his girlfriend twice. And those two times were because he needed some time to be on his own, so that he could work towards building a closer relationship with God. But those two times, he caved under the pressure of being alone, after being with someone else for so long, and not being able to see a life without her. And that was why he returned to her.

And before he returned to her, after the second break-up, he told me, in a voice that was quiet, remorseful and full of regret, that it was only right if he withdrew from the very close companionship that we both had shared. It was the right thing to do, he said, because his girlfriend didn't like the fact that her boyfriend was close to another girl. And he felt that if he really wanted to make their relationship work, or closeness had to stop.

I totally got that, because, putting myself in her shoes, I wouldn't want the same thing to happen to me either. And so I accepted his decision, but not before revealing my feelings to him.

Before anyone starts accusing me of trying to emotionally blackmail him by roping him back in with my feelings, I would like to say that I wouldn't have revealed my feelings to him, if I had known that they, my feelings, would have an impact on him. I guess I only told him because at that time, he seemed set and determined in his decision to go back to his then ex-girlfriend, and I didn't think anything would ever come out of my confession.

But I guess it did.
Even before I confessed, he was already developing feelings for me; thus the second break up.

But one night, about three or four days after they had gotten back together, Ian initiated an IM conversation with me. And I, having been so lost without him and missing him so much I cried buckets every time I thought about him (which was alot), welcomed him back into my life with open arms. Okay, not so open arms. I held back a little, because I didn't want my feelings for him to get further developed and then when he had to leave me again because his girlfriend wasn't happy about it, I'd end up getting hurt.

But the friendship went on. The chats went on. The long, endless conversations, and videocalling, went on.

Till one day I had to go on a five-day holiday trip with my family (I know, I know, I go on alot of trips), which meant I wasn't going to see or speak to him for five days. And I swear, those five days were the longest, most painful, most agonizing five days of my life. And to make it worst, dearest He Who Must be Obeyed extended the holiday by one day (I wanted to kill him). I couldn't wait to get back.

So after I got back, I fell back into the long chats with Ian again. And then a few days later, he told me, via a videocall on IM, that they had broken up, for good.

I didn't know whether to be thrilled or wary. I decided to be both.

** okay, I think I'm going to take a short break because right now my tummy is just BEGGING to be filled. Preferably with a large plate of onion rings or a large pack of Ruffles, sour cream and onion flavour. Yum. Later. **

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