kdubb

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this is an anti-love story
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i don't know how to do this; yet i know how to do it better than anyone else. who am i kidding I've been doing it for almost three years. stealing you away from anything that isn't me. making you believe that i am and have always been the one. you see it, you know it, yet still you wont believe it. i have always been there for you. yet so has every other girl. but I've been here the longest. I've put in my time. I've dealt with the ups and the downs. stood by you through thick and thin. and amazingly you've done the same for me. you laid next to me and watched me cry, told me everything would be okay. amazingly you were a million times exactly what i needed. and yet when i needed you the most you turned your back. your newest flavor of the week took prize over me. surprisingly i knew how to take it and all the while was shocked when it happened. i wish for someone or something different to walk into my life every day.. and yet right when that wish is made i see your face. you're something i cant let go of.. or maybe i don't know how to let go of. you're my everything and my nothing. you're everything i wished for and absolutely nothing i wanted. you make me cry internally... no one has ever been able to do that. so congratulations. you make me wish i was better make me wish i had her qualities, even though i don't know what she has over me. in fact i know she has nothing over me. but there's nothing I'm better at than stealing you away and yet i wish there was nothing i was better at than keeping you interested. but apparently i never learned that game.

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welcome to the road less traveled. welcome to the road you've never seen. the intersection of loyalty and friendship, but you haven't seen the sign. stolen, cheated and lied your way to the top and into my heart. but I'm turning my back on those who have put me in this sad place. this is the crossroads where i stand alone. you are but a spot on the horizon. and the huge area that your name took in my heart is now only a speck. ill leave you standing on that horizon searching for this intersection. no directions. no hints. you should of been here long ago but you've lost your way. and i am abandoned. shit, abandoned isn'teven the word. your definition of these spoken promises differ from mine but somethings should be universal. people i would put money on who wouldn'tcome to meet me actually did and ones i thought would never leave me stranded proved me wrong. you should be here. next to me. if only to stand in silence. if only to hold my hand. but your not. instead your whispering things behind my back and shoving perfect in my face. enjoying the fact that I'm dying on the inside. enjoying watching me fail. enjoying the fact that you are that much better than me. you claim to see the pain within my eyes while the rest of the world is fooled by a smile. but you've apparently been mislead along with the others. the pain in my eyes was never what you were concerned with. the fake smile was enough not to even ask or even let a thought enter your mind if only for a moment. a wise man once said "sometimes your closest friend is your greatest enemy" and maybe that's all all of you are, enemies. but a false friend is worse than an open enemy. id rather see your fake and deceit in the open. before i was blinded by it but never again. my eyes are wide and even with the pain they see everything. i caught you stealing, witnessed your cheating and deciphered your lies. I'm not giving more than i get anymore. your only getting what you deserve, and that isn't much. but i will still stand at this spot forever or until the day you find it, waiting for you. welcome to the road you never traveled.

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here i sit cold and alone. you did this too me. no one else. just you. to imagine that some one else had the power over me to make me feel so very alone in the world is astonishing to me. you provided me with dream after dream. gave a me a reason to believe, and things to hope for. promised me a brand new beginning. and just like all the others left me stranded alone. wishing for something it could never be. wishing for something more than it ever was. i stood proud and true on those words you wrote and believed in each promise you made. i think deep down i knew none was ever true. i made myself a believer, for i had nothing else to reach for. you were everything i hoped for, everything i dreamed about. but they were just words weren't they. its true what they say isn't it.. actions speak way louder than words. yours did at least. I've given up all hope. all belief. in something so real, something so incredible. they were all just lines weren't they? ones you've practiced over that years. they were perfection, weren't they? they had me fooled. you had me convinced. i knew it was too good to believe. i wanted so badly to believe though. i wanted everything you wrote to be the honest truth that i made it become so. your just like the rest of them aren't you? just like everything you promised against? everything i needed you not to be. well u had me at your word. you had me at "freckles". you had me.

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i wished for that invitation tonight. to your house. to your bed. into your heart. just for one night. we've been getting along better than we've ever gotten along before and so naturally to me the next step would seem expected. but it never came. you made me beat around the bush for it. you made me say things that i would normally never say. you were asking me to beg for it and i just wouldn't allow myself to steep that low. but i did. because i wanted you - all of you. because i needed to feel loved. i needed to feel needed. i needed to be wanted. and yet i feel exactly the opposite, sitting alone in my room typing this. a message to someone who will never a read it. a message that will never get its point across. a message that doesn't even matter. words that i type fall on deaf ears. deep desires that will never ever come to light. bottom line i just miss that feeling. i miss the butterflies. i miss the nervousness. i miss that undeniable feeling in the pit of my stomach. i just miss everything that you made me feel. i know that all these feelings get old. i know that they're replaced by disappointment, hurt and pain. id give anything for them just once more. id take all the grief that came with them for just one more shot at redemption. id take them all for just one instance of knowing that you sat alone awake at night thinking the same thoughts that passed through me. did i ever really cause him pain? did i ever really mean anything to him? was it all every really worth it? and still even so many years later i lay awake waiting for my phone to make that distinct ring; to know that its you; to know that for tonight, you care. that you want to see me. that against all odds, it was real, if only for a moment. normally its the liquor talking, but i can tell when you've had too much and tonight i can hear it in your voice, you haven't. ill believe you have thought because i know its the only way to make it work tonight. and ill hold onto this moment as long as i can because i have nothing else to hope for. i know it will fade away. i know that it doesn't mean a thing in the mornings light. i know that tomorrows a new day and you'll be gone. but until i feel a new kind of butterfly and hope, ill cling to you for what i need to survive through each day.

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your clinging to me with just the slightest of hold but still clinging no less. dangling me like a toy. keeping me just out of arms reach. and just when i think you've let go you grab hold again. well I'm not the same girl you used to know but the parts of me that you have affected have never changed. you still have that hold, can still keep me wanting more, and most importantly i cant let it go. i still get lost in your eyes. i still loose myself in your arms. and your whispers still make me tremble. sometimes i watch the world go by and i wonder what its like to be you. to wake up with a smile on your face each day. we both know you never tried, we both know that we cant change anything, we both know that it will happen again and well have to face it. well find ourselves in this predicament again and again, without any hesitation on your part but there is always at least a little on mine. but it never stops me. and then when all is said and done I'm there, lying lonely surrounded by you. i realize id be out of line telling you to leave her, but i want whats yours and i want whats mine. i want it all and i want nothing. i want you. you are the only question i need answered. i would never admit to not being over you. i would never let the words slip. that's why i write knowing my thoughts will never leave this room. i don't want to stay but i cant seem to find my legs to go. my head wants me to slam the door but my heart aches to stay as close as i can be. i cant go home because i don't want to be alone and i cant stay because i don't want to feel alone. and then you told me everything i wanted to hear and that brought me back to you. you looked at me and whispered my name like you were thinking of times when you and i were you and me. so what if i said what i was thinking, would that be too much? its like my body physically needs to be next to you, needs to share every breath with you, needs to look in to your eyes and witness your smile. then just when you've got me, you loosen your grip a little and eventually i loose the neediness. i loose the want. i loose the desire. and just as its all about to slip away you regain every bit of hold you ever had on me. give me one good reason to stay... ‘nothing better to do?’ - wrong. ‘we haven't been together in forever’ - wrong. ‘my girlfriends not here’ - wrong. you. plain and simple. you've always been my reason. but i don't want to waste another moment saying things we never meant to say. there is no use, your lies have now become your truths, and i just want to loose myself in you. but once I'm gone there is still a part of me that feels so empty. that's where you live inside of me. in that loneliness. in that sacredness. its reserved for you and for the memories. and as the days go by ill wish for everything to have changed, when deep down in that place i know its all the same. your grip will ease and then just as I'm about to free myself you'll regain your strength. and ill will have found my way back to you.

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congratulations. you did it again. you caught me. i almost had it. i put the phone down and ignored its constant vibrations. i turned my back, walked away and left you standing in the rain, lost and alone. but i did it and at that moment - a moment i had dreamed about - i didn't feel the way i thought i was supposed to feel. at that moment i was supposed to feel strong and proud yet i felt the opposite. everything in me wanted to turn around and go with you but i fought against it. i did what i knew was right but it all felt so wrong. and you cried and yelled and acted just the way i remembered and knew you would. threw your arms in the air and screamed. disrespected me and made me feel so low the way only you know how to. and then it all changed. you did something so out of character for you - something so impossible for me to imagine. you apologized. you admitted you were wrong that you had acted out of immaturity. insane. unbelievable. at that moment you had me. and i had you so easily forgotten the minute before. but you accomplished what i had been pretending was the impossible. but i jumped at the chance to make that moment of your honest caring real. i wanted to hold on to it forever and never let go. you cared you actually cared, actually saw that i cared and it affected you. and so there we stand - together again and perfectly content with that. and although my brain battles my heart every time this happens it just feels right. fingers intertwined, legs wrapped around and nothing to take us away from this. the evening didn't take us where you expected or hoped it to, yet it took me exactly there. you were gentle and sweet, perfectly perfect. imagine you were even that perfect without a drop of alcohol. but it all has to come to an end and i know its not reality. i know that when i leave your bed i have to go back to the lying and deceit that comes with knowing your name and going to bed with you here and there. and if i so happen to end up in that spot next to you on that bed, ill probably go onto regret it. but today for the first time in a long time i feel good about it and its not killing me. you were finally who i wanted you to be, if only for twenty four hours, you were who i needed you to be and believe it or not, all it took was me walking away.

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this is war; every line is about who i don't want to write about anymore. we stole the night and took those mornings for granted. rolled together intertwined and bound by satin sheets. snuck away into dark corners that were obviously public. made promises we knew we'd never keep and swore to ones that were never true. this is the way its supposed to be; just like every other before and the ones that will follow. i was all you ever wanted, all the things every other girl promised to be. you were nothing i needed and everything every other boy had failed to be. we weren't supposed to be together, like someone forcing magnets together with similar charges. but we worked. amazingly and wonderfully.. and tragically.. it worked. but as they say all good things must come to an end. and baby ours was tragic and sudden. the fantasies were stripped and the ideals for the perfect ending where stolen away. those promises we made that we wouldn't keep; we didn't. and things we swore to that were never true; actually weren't. i just wanted to let you know that i had hope baby, i had hope. and sometimes that's all you need, but i feel like its all i ever have. in the end it always happens the same and i believe it always will. i will live and die with hope and with nothing else. its romantic and wishful and fantastically dishonest. ask me baby, what its like to have this all so figured out.. i wish i knew. i don't believe in love stories.. i don't believe in cliches. the movies and the TV shows that have happy endings, its bullshit. happy endings don't exist and i knew that when i met you. the words you spoke and the endless ideas of us made me nervous. ideas that i knew real life would actually never let come true. but i never thought that it would end like this.. well maybe i did. maybe i always believed that it would end in misery and that's why i never would consent to your wishes and demands. i rebelled, but we both know i have that problem. everything we were was controversial but we both know no one can do controversy better. this was the beginning of everything i wanted and ended before we ever even got started. my fingers are the only muscles in my body at this point which are stronger than my heart. this is the reason were alone. this is the rise and fall before it ever began. this is war; every line is about who i never even knew.

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where did you go.. i miss your words and the excitement that came along with them. i miss the advice even when i didnt ask for it. i miss the compliments and the way they made me blush. does it ever stay the same? is it every really worth all the trouble? we dont even talk anymore.. did we run out of words to say? you were the one thing i looked forward to. the one thing that actually gave me hope for the future. and now its gone and it just restores thoughts i used to have. thats why i dont put my trust in things people say. i took everything with a grain of salt. after so many years.. i loved the person you thought i'd become and your dreams for what wed become. but now its gone.. dreams washed in a sink full of bleach. leaving no clues of their presence.. to the naked eye.. they never even exsisted. but to us.. we knew it was real for whats its worth.

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im better when im drunk and im amazing when your wasted. the stories of our lives keep intertwining for some reason and the roads keep bringing you to me. fuck a love story this is an anti love story. it is the how to book for a bad relationship. destructive decietful and infamous. we need to make a concious effort to pull away and stay away. but hell who are we kidding.. we dont see each other for 10 years - you put us in a room together and someones walking out of there pregnant. when i wake up with arms wrapped tight around me i feel loved but thats not exactly what it is, is it? i could come to you for anything and i know youd listen with out caring, be there with out doing anything about it. its a screaming match that ends with our bodies caught up in the madness of what was once was. its a screaming match that ill never win. i cant because you dont care enough about the winner thus making me the obvious loser because i do. i just dont know how to. and now on top of everything ive become 'that girl'. the girl you call late night to whisper sweet lies in my ear and disgustingly honest truths declared out loud. "my girlfriend doesnt matter" or "me and her, were not together for real" lies i want to believe i just dont. "this is a bad idea" or "i really do love her" truths i just cant seem to let go of. but like i said im better when im drunk when i dont seem to mind about her and im amazing when your wasted because you could care less. does she even know what she has just signed up for? i think not. a road well known by me and walked several times. how long will this one last? our track records are dwindling but we dont seem to mind making our way back to that familar street once again. but just for one night not to be seen again for days, weeks, or months. but trust in this darling it will be seen again, eventually. but this time babe ill do all that i can to steer clear of that street that know our footprints all too well. ill steer clear of the road signs that bring me to it. ill steer clear of you. period. its one bad decision after another after another and i dont think i can handle anymore. so im keeping my hands out of the pot from now on. keeping my nose clean of all of the things that draw me to you. its fighting an uphill battle.. its playing a losing game. its all the things i promised i never would do again and there i am waking up in the bed i promised id never see again and would learn to forget. i hate everything you are. i hate everything you've become. i hate your face. i hate your swagger. i hate everything about you and i love it just the same. torn is exactly what i am and the fact that you tear me pulls me in more than id ever allow any one else to do. its only you. and youve made it your full time job. from now on ill be better when im drunk and ill be amazing at ignoring your calls when your wasted.... you can bet on it. "boy youve got problem and you aint foolin no one but yourself your like a hot revolver but you aint killn no one but yourself"

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its a dangerous road i travel.. although its the one most traveled, i would think. to give in would be deadly but would it be less devastating if i didnt. too much alcohol and too much thought makes it so easy for me to pick up the phone and dial the numbers ive been trying to forget. but not tonight.. i am too sober. the drinks have not given way to mindless phone calls and messages sent in the late hours of the night. beer goggles are only supposed to blur the things you see but instead you only see yourself. and the sight is never blurred. you do for you, you look out for you, your only interestead in how you can get ahead. you dont worry about people who care for you. you look out for number one and number one only. and if the timing or place doesnt suit you then its a huge fuck you to the other persons face. you can not even look into the eyes of the person who you are causing pain without lying. even with out eye contact you have this power to make them feel somethings really there. theres's some truth in your words, although its all deception. lies to improve you position, to get you to higher ground, while everyone else begs for help, you dont even bother to think to glance down. i used to have control over this whole thing. i was the one pulling the reins, and i loved taking that position over you. loved every second of it. for some reason i stepped down. the numbers i didnt know are now imprinted in my mind and burn there forever. its not even the fact that the feelings arent equal on either side of the fence. its the fact that theres no respect on your part. i'd be there in a heart beat, without thought or question if you really needed me. and the part that fucks me up is that you wouldnt do the same. although you speak words of the opposite ideals. you fill head with great fairy tales and of happy ever afters that never come true. you speak words at face value and never follow through on any of the actions needed to carry out. you are the reason for my present failures and you are the reason i am skeptical of anything in the future. yet here i am, on a dangerous road. a road ive fallen down on and been hurt so many times before. here i stand at a fork in the road. you and my past to the left; my future to the right. which direction will i choose?

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the line between reality and fantasy is thin and you walk it with the greatest of skill. the words imprinted between lines that carry so much hope for normalcy. yearning for truth but the truth is i dont know or trust said truth. its hard to believe what is said because the words spoke cant be taken at face value. they've been said, even repeated multiple times but i cant see your eyes, the windows to the soul. those windows speak more to me than any words writtin in ink. "you deserve better than what your getting, i want to be that person." it only holds so much weight with me and that weight is slowly causing me to drown.


the problem: i enjoy drowning. the unknown scares me shitless but with said its more exciting and more of a rush than ive ever experienced before. gasping for air all while a smile remains on my face. it's a cat and mouse game, reaching for the top but never being able to find it. or maybe its just im not trying hard enough or that i dont really want to find it. but what the future holds who knows. if i finally do take that breath at the surface of this water will it be everything id hoped for or will it disappoint like each time before. i imagine the end will finish like every other tragic love story. ill be stuck at the bottom of that water so desperatly wanting the surface yet not willing to swim to the top to breathe.

youve pushed away and thrown what was there out the window. i was always there standing strong catching what was thrown from the street. knowing that if it was dismissed we might both end up lost in this game of life. i reminded you or maybe i did more convincing that you need me possibly more than i need you. the truth being the reverse or at least it has potential to be. this has the potential to be infamous if only i hadnt already doomed it from the start.

its a hard call. forever at the bottom of that water knowing that this might be the best it will ever be. or swim to the top, deal with the reality of it all, possibly watch it all fall apart and finally breathe. that moment you reach while under water where you can almost feel the air but can not yet breathe, thats the line im talking about. that line between reality and fantasy. all these ideas shared between lined sheets are fantasy. when and if i do come up for air will the reality actually cause me to drown?

but then again i guess you cant live at the bottom of the water forever... and maybe if i reach the top and take the first breath.. maybe just maybe it will be the way it should.... perfect