Felix Lugo

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"Her World"

She sees the world but does the world even notice her? Her words are loud yet only she can hear them. She feels alone in a world filled with people. Through her eyes you can almost feel her sadness. She pleases others but who would make her feel at ease? Year after year will anyone understand the way she thinks?

Her innocence was taken but her pride still remains. She sleeps in sorrow as her heart fears of what life brings tomorrow. The words were loud and within the clouds there was hope. She held on until her hand let go. All that was said and all that was done ripped apart and shaded her sun to the dark. It's cold. She feels numb. Sometimes she feels lost in a maze.

With all of her grace, she only wished some things could be erased.

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She deserves more than I could ever give her.
There was a time where we shared our love for each other.
I did not protect that love. I abandoned it. I lost her.
We had something special. Our love was pure. Innocent.
Somewhere inside me I knew what was the right thing to do.
Yet, I failed. I only thought for myself. I was selfish.
She gave me her trust. I took advantage. I was wrong.
All this time my true love was in front of me.
I blinded myself. I saw all but didn’t see her.
She waited and waited some more.
Through the years her love never faded.
There was hope in her heart.
My heart was empty.
She wanted to fill that hurt.
People say in time we eventually learn from our mistakes.
She will always be the one I failed to keep.
The one I let go.
When all this time she was just trying to build our home.

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I don’t think anyone could ever love you as much as me.
The truth is…you’re my weakness…
Many people look up to me.
Some I know and others I will never know…
But I do know I must stay strong for them…
Your words mean so much to me
that it replays in my mind and there’s no period.
I repeat the same sentences that made me fall in love with you.
I think of you often…I lie...I think of you everyday…
The seconds seem to be hours and the days seem to be years
when I am not with you.
The biggest regret I have ever done is leaving you behind…
When my heart told me to stay…
My mind confused it with thoughts of
“where would you live? How would you survive?”
The heart slowly was battling these thoughts
and for some reason I heard my voice say “good-bye”
I know you don’t see me in the same light
that is why I will always remain in the shade.
The lost shadows that are never noticed and ignored.
I don’t know if you know this
but when I get emotional I like to look outside the window and view
“life” people, trees, birds, and the sky
for I know that somewhere in the world someone is doing the same as me.
I have smiled for years and lost my heart along the way.
I covered it with hope…
When internally I was breaking down…
I have traveled great distances
and along the way particles of my heart can be found…
Many wondered…many questioned:
How such a person as myself could not have someone to share this type of love.
I found myself questioning the same reason.
Maybe I was meant not to love but to inspire people to love.
I had a moment to share my feelings with you…
That moment we don’t always get.
People spend a lifetime for such occurrence.
Some never get to experience it.
I was very lucky to have my moment of clarity when I found you.
Your words captivated me and your presence gave me ease.
Do you remember when I first told you that I love you?
It meant the world to me…
I came a long way and even though I didn’t take you with me.
I took the most precious thing from you.
When the world around us was silent…
Just you and I…
I looked at you…you smiled with thoughts wondering…
For the first time I felt serenity.
Internally healed.
Alive again.
I felt you.
I would like to believe in that moment
our hearts were beating at the same time.
We were connected.
Like the feeling of the breath before the kiss and the touch of your embrace.
Erased everything I ever knew.
Within that moment I knew nothing but you…
You were my world…and everything I ever believed in I saw through you…
It was you that brought me here.
I had you…
Even for just a moment.
We had each other.
I left my heart behind but my memories traveled with me.
I cherish those thoughts…
Remember when you wrote my name on the stone wall?
You were being silly but I took a picture of it.
I imagined you writing my name on your heart.

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Somewhere along the way we became distant.
We let time get the best of us.
Time is something we still don’t value as much anymore.
Remember when life was a dream and being young was so innocent?
Those were good days.
We didn’t have much worries and the summers seem to be our heaven.
Time has changed.
We have changed.
Eventually we grew apart.
Throughout the years those lectures made our dream become a realistic reality.
The summers seem to be just hot and the concerns grew rapidly.
Growing up decreased our time together.
Made us change priorities and somehow who we are.
Time is so precious when you really reflect how it was spent.
Did I ever say ‘I love you’? but meant it?
Did I know what such emotion felt like then?
Would it even come close to what I feel now for you?
The universe is unique but predicable.
When you really put much thought you will realize it’s just a circle.
Some call this a ‘Circle of Life’ Others may call it ‘Destiny’
I don’t claim to be a philosopher but I can’t help to make time valuable.
To cherish the most littlest moments.
The ones that captures our smile and open our hearts to a new reality.
My thoughts have numbed me.
For what I feel is nothing more than an illusion.
How can one feel something that is not real?
I dreamt of you many years ago.
When my dreams were encouraged and prayers brought us closer together.
I remember watching you brushing your hair off your face as the wind blew. Uncovering your smile…the one that forever is engraved in my spiritual heart.
I didn’t think you were real.
Then I met you.
At an unexpected place at an unexpected time.
We shared moments…moments is what we had.
Time is what was left.
Sometimes I wish we haven’t met.
Because time would have never existed between us.
The clock started when he finally saw each other.
Time is what I wish I had more of.
More time to know you.
Because of time it changed us.
The world around us.
It created a new reality.
You had to depart and so did I.
Change comes with time….and time is always in search of change.
Because of this change we will never have time.

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You will grow but only you will know for how long.

Friends will come but many will go.

Family will stay but some will leave you too.

Relationships will be built but many will hurt you.

Success will show but not always before or after you fail first.

You will gain it all but you will lose it all too.

Love will come but will betray you because you won’t know any better first time around.

Mistakes will take place and you will be wiping tears off your face.

The bathroom will be the safest place you can be yourself. As you look at the mirror and go through many thoughts.

You will fall and feel alone in the dark.

Influential things will take its course but ultimately its up to you to be the victim or the one who avoids it all.

Fights will come but not all punches must land on your face.

The beauty of fights you don’t always have to run but stand tall and walk away.

There will be tests brought to your attention but you don’t always have to pass them.

Learn from mistakes and don’t recreate them.

You start your education after graduation. Never let anyone tell you any different.

Teachers will teach but you will only remember the educators. Listen to them.

Secrets will be shared but you don’t always have to pass it along or hear them.

Sometimes things are better said and also not said at all.

I know you will get confused and not everything must make sense to you.

Not all you will go through must have an answer.

Understanding is key but you create the lock to the door you are trying to open to life.

You will try and fail. You will try and fail.

You will try until you realize that trying is better than failing.

Life is precious don’t end it right away.

Speak to someone.

Listen to what others before your time have to say.

Stress will occur.

Solutions will come.

Conflicts will surface.

Circumstances will dominate.

Take a step back.

Breathe and rejuvenate.

Live life not like is your last day but like you just started life today.

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The last memory I have of you is watching you wave goodbye to me through the bus window as you went home.

Tears flowing down my face.

My heart was with you.

I walked along the streets that night, alone.

Reflecting the time we spent together.

At given times I would stop walking and close my eyes.

Feel the night breeze.

Hear the street noises

and somewhere throughout my thoughts

I could feel that last hug.

Last kiss on my cheek.

The scent of your perfume.

Telling you how much I love you.

That no matter where I am in the world if you should ever need me I will find you.

You mean so much to me.

Your words. Your smile.

Your eyes that looked ever so beautiful that night.

Time has past so quickly.

I know you will find the love you could not feel for me.

Just as @brunomars sings I love you 'Just The Way You Are'

remember me as you are forever engraved in my heart.

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If I could I would kiss that person more softly

and whisper “I love you” quietly when the world is asleep.

Say a prayer and ask God to forgive me for this mental affair.

Why do I notice everything they wear?

The beautiful scent as they walk by me

gets these feelings going crazy that I can’t even bare

and how I don’t mean to

but I can’t help but to stare.

Do they value you, as you are truly rare?

Unique kind.

The one you wine, dine and get home before nine.

Spend longer nights together.

Wish you were my charm.

Protect you from harm.

Keeping you close within my arms.

Do they notice me looking at you?

Do they know how I keep my thoughts trapped in my heart?

Do you know how I wish for that time if you ever part and finally let another person in your heart?

So smart, keeps the arms around them to let the world know they are taken.

I feel I’ve been forsaken.

I love you but I wouldn’t dare.

My love now is having thoughts too that it feels like we won’t make it through.

I made love to you multiple times.

We live so peacefully in my mind.

Life is so unfair.

They cheated.

I never did.

But I sure had many mental affairs…

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Before you I was lost. A man with reason but no cause. I felt cold and many times lost. Confused and far from feeling love yet so close. Most times I almost lost control. One night I drove with no sense of direction or destination. I drove for miles... With no smile yet with tears. How could I have gone feeling like this for years? Then, I realized that in time my love was true. It was there but didn't realize it was meant for you. You brought light to my darkest thoughts. You made me smile when my heart was torn. I was weak but through you I was able to recover. What I found was there all along. My true other half. My lover. It's not simple as it sounds. In fact we both have difficult backgrounds. If you feel what I feel. Then you know that we can go beyond this wall and create something real. There's no distance that could keep us apart. Because when one heart beats another one starts. In time we both shall meet again. Until that time...I finally feel alive again.

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There are times I can't help but to think about the past.
The moments we shared.
The intriguing conversations and about possibly having a relationship.
Though most of the time it was me speaking.
You just smiled and said "but we're friends"
If you only knew how much it hurt when you say those words.
How in my heart I wish we were more.
Before you I didn't believe I could love again.
I thought it was a fantasy.
Dreams that were never a reality but a great feeling to think about.
I remember the first I met you and how you hugged me like we knew each other for years.
Maybe we did in another life.
We have so much in common that at times we could even finish each other's sentences.
It almost felt like we were destined to be.
I don't know much about life because I haven't lived that long to really explain it.
But I do know that I love you.
You may think I can't possibly be in love with you.
Sometimes I question these emotions.
So if loving you is accepting that you won't be in my life then I have to live with that.
As much as I want you I know you wouldn't look at me the same.
That's ok.
Because I want to leave where love is.
I don't want to mess with it.
Damage it.
Implement self doubts.
I know the love that exists in me for you is not influenced, conditioned or have any reservations.
It's pure.
Sometimes in life...in order to keep things pure you have to leave it alone.
So as much as I would like to reach for you.
Like the stars in the sky I know it's possible but every now and then I'll look up and smile thinking of you....

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I appreciate the efforts you add in your beauty

that others don’t always see.

I take notice.

The way you put on different shades of foundation.

The eyeliner and mascara you use that compliments your natural eyes.

That heavenly scent of perfume you splash on your body

before you start your day.

I take notice in every way.

Those shoes that you wear

and how you brush your hair to go with every pair.

The bracelets, rings, and your favorite jeans…

Maybe I observe too closely…

Maybe I wonder why you go through so much

when your natural beauty is much more captivating

than anything I could ever see in a magazine or TV.

How I look at my closet that’s nowhere compared to yours.

Shelves with bottles of lotion, perfumes, jewelry,

and so many other items that society calls “beauty”

but between you and I…

your natural self is what really captured me…

Don’t always cover your natural beauty…Let it be….

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Her voice speaks for her in my mind.

Words so profound I often questioned: ‘but why I?’

Lost in time I was for I thought I had no other half.

The empty room that exists in my heart waiting to be filled with such love.

The place where I dreamt a family would exist.

Her, kissing me as I watched our kids play at ease.

What has happened to this belief?

I need her to see me.

I screamed and waved my hands as high as I could.

“Kiss her” ---I would if this life was that simple.

I’m like the rock when thrown into a lake to create ripples.

Sinking down with no way to climb.

Wishing she would keep the rock instead of throwing it away each time.

How I’ve spent my hours thinking she was mine.

In this life or the next. God, show me a sign.

Let me know if this is the one or is it the same as last time.

Could she be thinking the same?

I don’t want to blame.

At times I feel ashamed.

Maybe that extra word, gesture, or movement could have started the flame.

What if I could have prevented all of this?

Maybe, if I wasn’t so shy giving her an unexpected kiss….

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She speaks in silence.
One could only imagine these words so profound.
Her essence carry such beauty.
Quiet yet so loud.
The warmth touch of her hand.
The sound of our combined heartbeats when we hugged.
For that moment I felt loved.
She smiles with a glow that shines her eyes.
I dreamt of a time I kissed her slowly.
Stars lit the night as she leaned against me.
She listened to my so
ul as my hand caressed her head against my chest.
For this moment I wish would never end.
Time has taken so much from us.
The seconds feel like hours and sometimes even years.
Fear not that one day we would be right in that moment again.
Where for the first time in a long time we shall unite in a way that will last forever.
The moment we both shall fall in love again.

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