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unsent letter to my daughter*

If I had a heart you took it with you when you went away
I chased you away
When I heard your lies and the disrespect in your voice
I injured me so deeply.  You were the love in my life and my reason for things.
I sent you away and told you you no longer belonged under my roof
That must have hurt you too.
I became your father when I was 23
Things were never right no matter how I tried.
Love was just a temporary spell and later became a sharade
No matter how much I cared about mom and tried
I was always regarded with suspicion and resentment
That's not the way love is supposed to be.
I did it for you my darling Stephanie.
The day you were born I left my family
I drove my motorcycle into Brooklyn with my few belongings
I prepared the apartment for your return
I bought a bassinette and made two trips by foot
Carrying it and the mattress for many blocks
When I got to the hospital I was not allowed to see mom
I went to try to find you on my own in the baby ward
I spotted you right away and recognized you as my daughter
with your dark hair and pale skin, I vowed to myself to take care of you
I already knew before that I loved you
I was offered to hold you and when I did my heart skipped
I still remember you cradled in my left arm and you looked up at me
Your ocean blue eyes met mine and locked on me
I felt so responsible for you and my heart softened like never before
So many things were wrong...only you were right.
I never imagined that painful day when you left
Never imagined the circumstances
Never thought we'd be anything but the best of friends as we always were
Your lies broke my heart
Your stealing was not the girl I raised
I could take lies from others but not from you
Do you know I never lied to you...I never could
The things you stole,  I would have given
You wanted too much from me....you wanted things handed to you
I was never that way and now maybe you understand
But I always did give you love and my heart and I sought to protect you and to guide you
You should have had faith in this simple man
Its shattered now....and I know time has not healed things
You think I don't see you..but I do
You're always in my heart and there are few days and nights that I don't feel sad
an emptiness inside me that just cannot seem to be filled
I'm not the man I was.  Now...the truth is I haven't recovered from the sadness
Its a daily struggle that I feel I'm losing
Father's day is a sad reminder and so I dread its coming...as I do birthdays.
But always I remember you
Always I hold my love for you which you give me sadness in return
I do not hate you as you think I do
I love you with all my heart
But what I've lost is the most precious thing...the feeling of being loved by you
I'm distrusting of all now because of you
I won't let anyone get close and its because of you
The once happy memories make me cry so I try not to think
I think this is why you are scarce.  It hurts you to see me
You can't bear to see the sadness in my eyes
I know why you steer clear of me 
Life is unjust, I've learned this lesson from a little girl
So if I see you and have little to say it is because the words become jumbled
as the feelings are inside.
If I whisper that I love you and hug you when we meet or say goodbye
I mean it from the very bottom of my heart.
I don't mean much, I know
But caring and love remain long after the heart has broken. 
©  James T. Adair

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Comments (1)
    • I can fix most anything but I cannot change the past and can't forget it. My past is me, my heart is in it, its the ripple I left on the pond of my life. Its my happiness and my sadness. But in it there was nothing I loved more than my daughter. I trusted her to always care and its was my own hopes and dreams that made me sad. But I'm afraid that words of care now would just feel empty to me and I could never trust them to be true. I can't send the letter and so I must learn to accept my world as it is and not as I dreamed. If you love your father's then tell them so by your actions, because their time is short and you are their lives.
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