unsent letter to my daughter*

If I had a heart you took it with you when you went awayI chased you awayWhen I heard your lies and the disrespect in your voiceI injured me so deeply.  You were the love in my life and my reason for things.I sent you away and told you you no longer belonged under my roofThat must have hurt you too.I became your father when I was 23Things were never right no matter how I tried.Love was just a temporary spell and later became a sharadeNo matter how much I cared about mom and triedI was always regarded with suspicion and resentmentThat's not the way love is supposed to be.I did it for you my darling Stephanie.The day you were born I left my familyI drove my motorcycle into Brooklyn with my few belongings I prepared the apartment for your returnI bought a bassinette and made two trips by foot Carrying it and the mattress for many blocksWhen I got to the hospital I was not allowed to see momI went to try to find you on my own in the baby wardI spotted you right away and recognized you as my daughterwith your dark hair and pale skin, I vowed to myself to take care of youI already knew before that I loved you I was offered to hold you and when I did my heart skippedI still remember you cradled in my left arm and you looked up at meYour ocean blue eyes met mine and locked on meI felt so responsible for you and my heart softened like never beforeSo many things were wrong...only you were right.I never imagined that painful day when you leftNever imagined the circumstancesNever thought we'd be anything but the best of friends as we always wereYour lies broke my heartYour stealing was not the girl I raisedI could take lies from others but not from youDo you know I never lied to you...I never couldThe things you stole,  I would have givenYou wanted too much from me....you wanted things handed to youI was never that way and now maybe you understandBut I always did give you love and my heart and I sought to protect you and to guide youYou should have had faith in this simple manIts shattered now....and I know time has not healed thingsYou think I don't see you..but I doYou're always in my heart and there are few days and nights that I don't feel sadan emptiness inside me that just cannot seem to be filledI'm not the man I was.  Now...the truth is I haven't recovered from the sadnessIts a daily struggle that I feel I'm losingFather's day is a sad reminder and so I dread its coming...as I do birthdays.But always I remember youAlways I hold my love for you which you give me sadness in returnI do not hate you as you think I do I love you with all my heartBut what I've lost is the most precious thing...the feeling of being loved by youI'm distrusting of all now because of youI won't let anyone get close and its because of youThe once happy memories make me cry so I try not to think I think this is why you are scarce.  It hurts you to see meYou can't bear to see the sadness in my eyesI know why you steer clear of me Life is unjust, I've learned this lesson from a little girlSo if I see you and have little to say it is because the words become jumbledas the feelings are inside.If I whisper that I love you and hug you when we meet or say goodbyeI mean it from the very bottom of my heart.I don't mean much, I knowBut caring and love remain long after the heart has broken. ©  James T. Adair

#fathers, #father, #love, #daughter, #heart, #injured, #broken, #fragile, #hurt