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My last breath, last moment, it is yours to do as you wish. Maybe, you will see hopefully

July 9th 2008

9:26pm

 

 

How do you take someone back, when you’ve had enough with immature, toddler games? Not to mention, for you to break up with me for a reason I don’t even know. I put everything I had into that relationship, everything. Do you think I am that stupid to take you back when you gave me a way out? Yes, it hurts like hell. I am sitting here wondering what is stopping me from picking up one of my phones and calling you. I don’t know.

 

I sat there last night and was shocked. Then you call back and ask for me back, I got to think this through. It isn’t going to be just a day, a week, I don’t know. I loved you and you took that and ran. Why, so you can sit there and say you had a good thing, but yet you had all these other girls that you were doing whatever with? I am not some kind of toy that you can have your fun with and then just throw it away just like that. I don’t just go away like that. You will end up regretting everything you said last night.

 

I knew, I felt it, something has been wrong for this past week. I just couldn’t figure out what was going to happen. Well, when I got your call about you ending this, it went away. My chest caved in, my heart shattered so much, and I broke down. How can you fix that? That’s exactly what I was afraid of, getting hurt. You sat there on my bed, looked into my eyes, and said “I promise you that I will never hurt you.” But you broke that. You hurt me so bad last night. More than ever, I trusted you, I loved you, and I had so much faith that you wouldn’t do that to me. I believed you when you said you loved me. But when you love someone, you don’t do that, you don’t make them feel so low, for the stupidest reasons.

 

All I’ve asked from you lately is for you to listen. To listen, and you didn’t. I can’t keep living that way. I can’t sit in my room without all the memories already bombarding me. It’s like a ghost that just doesn’t go away, until you help it let go. I woke up this morning feeling so angry with all of this. Feeling like this is good for us, maybe down the line if we ended up back to each other, then it’s meant to be, truly meant to be. But, I can’t see it, I can’t feel it, I can’t.

 

Search your heart, your soul and show me how you deeply feel. Don’t tell me, because this point, words mean absolutely nothing. If you say you love me as much as you do, do everything in you power to show me. Make me see it, feel it all over again. You destroyed a lot of shit last night. I couldn’t imagine you ever doing that. But I guess that comes along with someone who doesn’t have much of heart. I just can’t believe it’s over just like that, just like that.

 

You know how I feel/felt. It is just like the song by Bryan Adams, (Everything I do) I do it for you. But you never say that. You never felt that, never, because you wouldn’t have done that to me. You sit there and listen to the music CDS at night, but do you ever listen to the lyrics and the meanings behind it. Every one of the songs on there represents a piece of how I feel. That’s why I choose specific ones. I just didn’t pick out a bunch of random love songs. No, I listened to them all and went, that is how I feel about you,  that’s how he makes me feel, I think about him in this song. That’s what I did.

 

I made excuses for you to everyone. I busted my ass to keep you. I fought with my mother to just let me see if he can change one last time, when I got the phone calls from the girls. I bent over backwards for you, did whatever it was that you needed. I was there for you when you needed me the most. When I need you, you couldn’t be bothered have the time. Then when you got sick, who took care of you most of the time? Me, then I got sick, were you there, no, then everyone in my family got sick. Where were you? Not here.

 

You said our love was fading. Okay, yes, I agree. But you know what; it was honestly your fault. It was you let it. You weren’t making time to allow it to grow further. You created a gap between us. It all started back in April, during you birthday. It hasn’t been the same since then. I’ve been losing trust, just because I don’t know what is going on, especially when girls answer your phone, you’re busy always, doing what? You just don’t have time for us anymore, because you don’t want to sit here and chill, relax with me. Do you ever ask me to go anywhere with you? No, what are you afraid of? Are you honestly hiding something from me? Then text messages left and right. Who could be texting my boyfriend at 10:30 at night? Let me guess you don’t remember? Well let me refresh your memory, graduation night, Saturday the 28th at Wendy’s. Remember now?

 

Little shit makes up the relationship. Yeah, but when the little shit is replace with goofy, childish, toddler, immature games, it tends to ruin the relationship. There will eventually be nothing to look back upon besides the games. Yeah, don’t get me wrong, there was amazing times where I sat back and wondered why must he play these games?

 

I contemplated my heart all day today. I sat there was like, yeah I could do this. I can move one easily. But no, it isn’t easy, not at all. I fell asleep on my couch at like 8:15pm and then I woke up and ran into my bedroom. Jumped up onto my bed and cried my eyes out. For what, I have no clue. My heart tells me to just pick up that phone. But then again my head goes, why? For him to give you his lame, old excuses and for you to fall back into a big mess because you’re in love? But then my heart says, true but what will she do? She is confused. I don’t know, I do love you, very much, so much to the point where I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to deal with that shit anymore. I started writing, couldn’t get anything I wanted out right. It was too easy for you to think I was going to take you back. Then it seemed like this meant nothing. No, I wanted to spill out everything I was feeling, and if that meant I sounded like I was a cold, heartless bitch then so be it.

 

I know you don’t like being compared to my dad, but let me tell you this, he was jealous just like you are. It ruined my mother’s and his relationship, that and a lot of other shit. I can’t walk out the house go to the library without you thinking I might meet a guy down there and do something with him. Why would you think that? Do you not trust me, at all, not even a little? Come on that is shit is so old. I can’t even begin to start on you. I don’t even get the least bit jealous that you hang around a shit load of girls. I don’t get all torn out in the ass about. I don’t even tell you I don’t like it, why, because I already know what you are going to say. Oh, well I am not doing anything with them. But how do I not know that? I have to sit there and take your word for it. I just can’t keep doing that. No, I don’t like you around all those girls. They got you fucked up. You’re all wrapped up in them and you forget about me. And you can’t sit there tell me you don’t. I was thinking about that shit, you wait until 8:30, 9:00 at night to come see me. Why? You’ve been right around the fucking corner everyday. You can’t just stop by for 5, 10 minutes to say, Hi, how are you, you know? Then say I love you? No you fucking can’t because they are more fucking important. The other girls have always been. How can you love me, if you are doing that? You’re not honest with me. And I trusted you a whole lot. I put my heart on the line and look at what you did. You shattered it. You shattered it.

 

I don’t want you to call me, see me, until you can grow – up and figure out what is real to you. And who is going to be there for you when you need them the most. Who is going to turn around and just listen when they talk? Just listen. You say you are a grown ass man. Well, you really don’t show it. If you were a grown ass man, I wouldn’t have to sit here and have to tell you everything that you are doing wrong. How you are hurting me. How you broke up with me for reasons I don’t know and or don’t understand. You’ve lied, you’ve hurt me, and you put me through so much. I have not broken up with you for that. And you are going to turn and break up with me because shit is moving to fast for you? What the fuck. Shit isn’t even moving. Not an inch, nothing. You paused, the relationship, especially when you started pushing me away.

 

Think about this, and really think about it. If nothing else, it will help you for future relationships. You have a good heart, when you let it show. When you let people in, but let me tell you, you got your head so far up your ass you don’t even understand which way is up. I can and will be able to live without you. I will survive. You have no control over me, only connection. You don’t dominant over me; we work together, side by side. I am not just some bitch that will be there at your every beck and call for one thing and one thing only.

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