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Im Cassandra
Im 18.
I live in adelaide, grow up in the riverland, renmark so yea im a country girl but a city girl too.
I love art any form from writing, painting and drawing to photography.

Add me platinum_babbi@hotmail.com.

You are always on my mind you never left it from the very start.
You make me feel complete, you have brought out the inner me.
Just seeing your face every morning before you leave makes me last the whole day through.
Without you, there would be no future for me it would end right then and there.
Your not only loved by me you are protected by me too.
I would never leave your side if things got tough.
I couldnt bare to think if someone else had to be there instead of me.
I hate the fact that we didnt met way back in years that have past.
I hate the fact that ive given you my heart now for good but i do trust you as you trust me.
I couldnt never hurt you, i wouldnt allow such as bad thing to happen.
Pain or sadness i dont want to bring on you, if i do i mean not too.
You are my everything and i dont plan or intend on leaving you behind.
I love you.
Always and foreve!!

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The rain continues to hit the window
Theres not a person in site.
Not a living thing out there.
Everythings hiding, hiding away where it cant be found.
The thunder starts and its suddenly dark out there.
The lightning follows straight behind.
I cant see a thing only when the lightning strikes but only for a split second.
Someones out there.
A girl.
She doesnt look much older then me.
I open the door and run over to her.
Shes crying and scared and cruled up in a ball.
Then when she lifts her head up and looks me in the eyes,
i notice ive seen those green sad eyes before,
that girl not much older then me, is me.

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My heart aches instantly and it wont stop not even for a split second. I'm losing my mind seriously, i thought i knew who i could trust but i was foled, foled real good. You think you know who your true friends are but it come crashing down like no tomorrow and you are faced with hurt and confusion. You ask yourself when is it going to get easy well thats a question i havent found an answer to. It's not meant to be this hard surroundings of darkness and not a light to direct you to a new door. God why me, after all ive been through already why are you making me go through more bad shit. After all ive been through already in only 18 years. I didnt think it was possible to get any worst but i was foled wasnt i god.
I know why, i know why your throwing more obsticals at me while im already on the ground trying to get up still from the last one. Its because you like to see me struggle and cry and scream, you like to see me in so much pain just so i have no choice but to give up completely and leave this crewl world for good.
What have i done so wrong to deserve all this, im only 18 and hate everything already, when ever im just thinking that everythings getting better and theres a brighter day to be lived you push me back down in darkness. I only wont 2 answer i want you to tell me what ive done so wrong to deserve all this?? and, is it going to get any easier??

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I dont mean to push you away in any form. It will just take me time to get used to these new changes. When i first met you in the city that night my heart skipped a beat my knews went weak. As i walked towards you i was lost for words. I do admit that after i got to know you i did get shall i say scared i did run to my mum and cried my eyes out to her for what reason i really dont know. I did wish i never met you that day but she explainned why i felt that way. I was just scared i guess, when i felt those strong feelings towards you i just wanted to run away and wipe them clean, i couldnt bare to let myself love again and i thought i didnt deserve to be loved back.
I didnt want to let my guard down, i didnt want to give you the key to my heart because that would be allowing you to stomp all over my heart like the others. Although you didnt seem the type of guy to do that but i was still unsure i had heard everything from the book before.
My mum explainned to me that i wasnt used to being loved by someone so truly before, i had know idea how it would feel to be cared for and loved like i was a princess. I had been treated very bad in other hand.
You made me feel so happy when we hung out and i allowed myself for awhile be actually be happy but suddenly i would realise i was actually letting my guard down and when i realised that i put it straight back up and run as far away as i could.
The only thing that was wrong with that was i didnt run as far away as i wanted to, something wasnt allowing me to let you go, you just have to understand that it will take time to let my walls down and allow you into the fragile path to my heart.  Trust me within time you will see the real me and you will be given the directions to my heart just hang in there and it will happen that i promise.

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Is this really real.
The sun is finally shinning,
Im not surround by constance darkness.
The way you lips touch mine,
The way you skin is touching mine,
The way you say i love you when ever you get a chance,
It all feels so perfect but is it just a dream?
Is it really real.
When you say you love me my heart screams it back seconds after your' ve said it.
The way you hold my hand when we walk even if its just out to the car.
The way you come out of no where and kiss me as if its your last kiss you can give.
The way you just come up and pick me up and spin me around in the air.
It all feels so perfect but is it just a dream?
Is it really real.
The way you just smile and my worries disapear within thin air.
The way you just make everything feel so perfect.
The way you hug me it feels as though its a dream.
And i never wanna let go.
Your green eyes are like a un opened present they bring me weak to my knees.
But is it all just a dream?
Is it real even just a little bit.
The way we roll around on the ground,
The way we chase each other from one side of the house to the other.
The way we both try and tickel each other and crack each other up.
It feels like a dream and i still dont know if it is but im willing to chance it all,
if its a dream i guess ill realise after i wake up but till then im gonna keep loving you
day and night every day.


I didnt want anything to do with you.
Yes thats the truth after the years you put me through confusion and anger,
i wanted you gone and for me to never have to face you again in the future.
It work for about a year and half i didnt hear from you or seen you and i had no worrys in my life anymore.
Apart from the nightmares at night and me waking in the early hours of the morning screaming out your name with such anger.
You put me through hell with the things you did to me when i was little, the way you looked at me and called my name when you where in the toilet.
How could you and your mates do the things you did. I was your daughter or didnt you care.
Now look i dont even call you my father i call you by your first name.

I woke up one morning and called you, yes i did there was no answer i called pop and he gave me your new number.
Aswell as telling me something ive wanted to hear for 7 years straight, he told me you where really sick.
I was shocked that my past wish i wished on you was coming so fast.
I rang you as much as i didnt want to but the phone rang out and continued to ring out.
3rd time lucky your friend answered, you where drunk again but still talked, you told me how sick you where
and that i should come see you before my 18th because doctors told you, you wouldnt make it to see your only daughters next birthday.
I couldnt breath, i couldnt talk all i could do was press the end call button.

I tried to keep the tears in, why i wanted to cry after the things you did to me is unknown.
Maybe i dont want you to die, maybe i just want you to say sorry for the things you did. Maybe i want you to take back the harshful words that came out of your mouth.
Maybe i want you to explain why you hit me when i didnt do anything wrong, or why you called out my mum when you where in the toilet with the door wide open and you standing there without your pants on. Was it funny to you to have your daughter feeling lost and scared.
I want to know why you came into my room late at night and make me hurt in spots i didnt thing would back then.
I was only 7 and you continued to do the things you did till i was 13.
Maybe i dont want you to die till you have apoligized for the nightmares you have brought to me and they have continued to stay there and im now 18.

Maybe i just want the night mares to go away so i can get a good night sleep without waking to screaming out "No dont stop"
Thats my only wish that i want and know will never come true.

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The darkness all around me,
I cant see a thing and i dont know weather i want to either,
The feelings im feeling are so strong i cant fight aganisted the pain im feeling.
I continue to see complete darkness.
It feels as though the ground is vanishing from under my cold and bruised feet.
It scares me so much knowing how fast im dying from the inside.
Will this feeling ever stop before its too late.
Ive been living in a night mare for what feels like a life time.
The tears that continue to fall from my eyes are now leaving red raw scars.
Im only a young girl, only 18 and ive been throw hell and i wish it upon no-one.
If i could forget it would be a dream come true but im not that lucky, far from it actually.
Im a young 18yr old girl trying to live her life without the memmiors and the nights i wake up screaming,
im so hurt right now and have been almost my whole life.
I pray so hard to god everynight asking him oh so nicely to end this pain but theres never a reply.
I just wish that i would drop dead where ever and how ever so i dont have to feel this pain anymore.
Nothing will help me excape this cold and crewl world i live in,
am i going to be stuck here forever alone in this darkness, if so maybe i might do myself the favour,
and say goodbye forever.

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