Nessaface02

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I am...now taking a step back and looking within
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Pilot of my heart steer me home

Back to the city a life that I call my own

Fly me away from the baggage I left behind.

Take my being to something beyond and above.

Pilot my soul is a bird

That needs to be lead away from the ordinary,

The average, and substandard.

Guide my faithful love away from pain

Depart and separate it from those who are insane.

Insanity that begins with not following you in flying

Or believing in your resurrection and dying.

Pilot your course haphazard,

But I know you Piloting is something you have mastered.

Going through rain,

Something that has daggered my heart with immense pain,

Going through what seemed a sunny day,

Which actually left me more broken than I was yesterday.

Up in the clouds and air

I trust that you are piloting with care

As the seatbelt sign flickers away

My pilot lets me know we have landed

and are here to stay.

But I really knew we had arrived

As my true love opens his arms

To hold me tight, and whispers to me

“I never intend on saying goodbye.”

By leaving my baggage

My heavy, miserable, misguided baggage behind,

The Pilot knew I was ready,

Ready to begin a new flight

A love story that was finally right.

, , , , , ,



The nervousness and anticipation was something that I had
come to expect leading up to this moment, but the regret and paralysis
streaming throughout my body, like the venom of a poisonous snake was a
sensation only those who make colossal mistakes feel.

As I listen to our speaker she says, “ now that we are done
here, it is time for our real life journey to begin”. Twirling my tassel on my
cap, I shift my eyes back and forth on the speaker and then on my mom with the
video camera crying, simply to create the delusion that I am paying attention,
I ponder those words again, “real life journey”. I can’t help but think that my
real life journey has passed me and that I will never be able to extract it
again.

Sitting in a stuffy auditorium filled with family members
and intellectuals, I immerse myself in nostalgia, floating backwards to the
years preceding this moment.

I remember sitting there, in my family room, you called me,
and said you had something important to tell me. Just as I finished the
insurmountable amount of reading and studying that needed to be done for
midterms, your name shows up on my phone, and without picking up I answer the
door because I knew you were there.

Normally, I would have greeted you by hugging you warmly and
asked how your day was but, I knew tonight was not going to be a normal night.
When I opened the door, and your arms attempted to wrap themselves in an
embracing hello, I openly rejected your offer. Walking into the kitchen, you in
front, where the stench of a rotting relationship followed you, we made our way
into the family room.

I sat down on the sofa first. The sofa I sat on was adjacent
to the window where as the sofa you sat on that night was parallel to the wall,
it didn’t matter, because in the end we were facing each other. Silence over took the room, as if we
were attempting to listen for a tree falling in the woods miles away. Your eyes
were shifted downward as you shuffled your feet anxiously, and I simply stared
at you with antipathy and melancholy while uncontrollable shaking occurred
throughout my right arm.

I waited for one…two…three… four then five minutes before
you finally shifted your eyes upward toward my face only to see the affliction
and torment you caused cascading down my cheeks. Quickly turning my head to
rest my chin on my shoulder you said with a weary voice, “I can’t do this
anymore”. I turn towards you only
to breakdown in tears and in disbelief I shut my eyes tightly and cover my ears
while my elbows are touching and repeating in my head “why is this happening”?

“I don’t know, I just don’t know” you said trying to hold
your tears of remorse back. I
remember at this point I stopped shaking, I stopped crying and opened my
computer and sent a letter of confirmation in accepting my admittance to the
university of my dreams; dreams I put on deference for you.

In the end, you didn’t know about us and I wasn’t going to
stick around waiting for you to love me.

Now, I am here at my university’s graduation wading in a
group of 300 undergraduates awaiting their diplomas of higher achievement. Wading in my black robe I hear my name
being called and as I walk down that aisle to “begin my life journey” I take my
bachelors degree and tears begin rolling down my face like razor blades cutting
deep into every strand of emotion attached to you at this moment. As I walk down the stairs of the
podium, the only thing I am thinking about is what if. What if I didn’t send the acceptance
email and we worked things out? What if I didn’t go to this university and
stayed closer to you? What if I did something differently back then and we
would still be together. Was this moment worth leaving love? With all these
questions inside my mind, I begin to cry harder walking down the aisle back to
my seat but as I was walking I see a familiar face in the crowd of hundreds of
parents.

It’s you.

At that moment that our eyes met I could vaguely see tears
running down your face and I knew that I didn’t leave love. I knew that you
still loved me and the anticipation of being able to jump into your arms again
after the ceremony was over, would be the greatest joy I could ever feel. I
realized then that love left me, I didn’t leave love, but it came back to be
with me in my real life journey.

, , , , , , , #ache, #boy, #hate, #girl, , #real, #life,

Over seas and over oceans

We’re all under your command.

Following the map to our futures,

Following the captain who gave us life

Deceptive matriarch

A home gone under,

Lying mothers always causes the home ship to plunder.

Dropping an anchor in the midst of a violent wind

Is not going to help me see your love for us again.

Abusive to the sailors that called you captain

Sure mutiny was bound to happen.

Tied up, on the deck

Admittance to your actions gone astray,

Your sailors allow you to revamp your untrustworthy ways

“Land ahead!” shouted the middle child sailor.

Closer, and closer the X marked the spot

For our family effort treasure.

Three Paces to the right

Close to the golden metal is when you started

Our rivalry fight

Sailors versus Captain

Children versus Mother

The expedition of a better family had failed

With this last bonding moment.

Mother my mother, because you lied

You made us your opponent

Love was lost

Washed away by the seas

Relationships were broken

Through our previous mutiny

Captain it’s your turn again to walk the plank

Its time the Matriarchal liar reached the bottom

Of the seven seas and sank

Splash, crash, and wail.

Your ideas of our perfect family failed.

Currents pulling you further under

The waves, your impending death,

Your sailors throw you a life preserve

And brace themselves for a life of tyrannical

Abuse that they never deserved.

, , , , , , ,

emotions churning crazily this feeling inside me confused as i can be

your hands on my body reaching pure ecstasy, holding back for responsibility

being killed by curiosity consequences for our activities but the pleasure so satisfactory,

time to venture into history or to ruin future possibilities and the two are such inequalities

but the temptation is so plain to see im feeling trapped but feeling free

dont know what will happen to me

how can a miracle be a catastrophe and passion and pleasure tempt but terrify me so suddenly?

, , , ,

I was sitting in his car, in the passenger seat, it was almost 2 am and this whole scene seemed so familiar.

This is where it all began, in a passenger seat, where I confessed my feelings for him. I told him that I'd always be the one who would love him the most.

Now I am here again, in a familiar seat, with a seat belt strapped across my chest to restrain my heart from breaking again.

I turn my face with each of his attempts to look into my eyes so he doesn't see the tears of my goodbye slowly rolling down my cheek.  Looking down at the clock, it has went from 2 am to 3 and we still have not said anything.

He said it's getting late, I agree "I should go in and pack my suitcase anyways". With that, I step out of the car similarly to the way I stepped out of your car over a year ago and had no idea that it would be the death of us, and the death of true love.

As we both stepped out of the car and took our slow stride to the front of my house, only one thing clouded our minds with every foot stepped on the cement sidewalk; how would we end this time?

Reversing from what seemed like years ago in reality only a few short months, where I was shattered into unwanted pieces on the ground two thousdand miles away through a phone line.

He looked down at me, the way he used to before we would kiss each other goodnight and dream about our futures together.

Breathing in, he opened his arms wide to me, and I leaped into them as if it was the last time I would see him. With tears flooding down my face, he held me tighter against his chest that I could hear his heart racing as he stroked my hair calmly. At this time we were connected and as he was holding me in his arms, a kiss fell upon the top of my head. It said to me, "I love you sweetheart, I always have". With that as tightly as we held each other that night, we separated because we knew this moment had to end, just like how we ended the phase of us.

Walking to my door, I turned my head hoping for one last reminder of what true love really is; I hoped in that second I was turing my head that he would have turned his and be looking back at me. I hoped that we would be staring at each other, deeply and burying ourselves into the passionate endearment that ran through our veins only a few months ago.

I gave myself false hope, as I looked back, he was already driving away from me, keeping his distance, just like before.



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I miss him sometimes, but it will never work.

, , , ,

Spent my last night burying you a hole Six feet under to prove this is all your fault Throw the body and sprinkle the dirt Because this is what you deserve I’m not the type to keep this dragging on But you are the one who left all of this to be resolved by song Chorus Here is the solution, to all these past situations Let’s tie a knot with all these lies Slip it around your throat, and say goodbye. This time around I’m going to finish first And your going to fail It’s coming, the day I’ll see you in the streets And smile I’ll mail you back those memories of you and me don’t tear yourself apart too hard When you read the note “they meant nothing to me” Here’s the twist I have been waiting to say There was another guy in the frame The one shattered of us with glassy blame And I kissed him as you left my house one night And he was everything you weren’t under that moonlight Chorus Here is the solution, to all these past situations Let’s tie a knot with all these lies Slip it around your throat, and say goodbye. Flatter yourself into thinking I can’t accept the answer no When really I tied the rope around your neck And let go TRADEMARKED

, , , , , , , , #hug,

Tape her mouth shut, make sure you take every precaution don't let the covenant know about your sinful decision. Eyes sewn shut with the alcohol you poured down her throat. Passed out and left without hope. Take your position ready set go, Hovering over like a nightmare Shadows in dreams. Overpowered, she gave in, to something she can never have back again. Passing by the room bad memories bombard the mind and she'll take an oath never to report the incidents and reminders she chooses to abort. She didn't want to be here again, She doesn't want to see your face. Embezzlement of something held venerate I can't believe, God allowed let you rape.

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Take one more swing at me I know that you wanted me gone ever since we met. All I wanted was your friendship but it turned into love and you let it slip. Go on stab me in my heart again I am so used to it by now. Thrust your dagger mouth into my heart, where all my love will bleed out. Chorus Losing, I am losing. Hold my hand, make me smile. I needed something more than this bed and these same four walls. I needed something more than your body and mine intermingling But my needs is what sent you leaving. So I am on my knees, not begging you to fall in love with me, but Im on my knees to please. This is where you wanted me on my knees never questioning anything? Bury my love because it meant nothing to you Forget about those memories, I hope they fade. Because you could never appreciate something you had to fake. Chorus Losing, I am losing. Hold my hand, make me smile. I needed something more than this bed and these same four walls. I needed something more than your body and mine intermingling But my needs is what sent you leaving. Wasted time, thought you were the one ready and willing to be committed The ones girls write about in songs. I was wrong. I was so wrong. Used and on the ground. Come closer so I can keep those bruises on my knees. at least one of us will be happy. and I lost and you won. TRADEMARKED

, , , , , ,

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