The nervousness and anticipation was something that I had
come to expect leading up to this moment, but the regret and paralysis
streaming throughout my body, like the venom of a poisonous snake was a
sensation only those who make colossal mistakes feel.
As I listen to our speaker she says, “ now that we are done
here, it is time for our real life journey to begin”. Twirling my tassel on my
cap, I shift my eyes back and forth on the speaker and then on my mom with the
video camera crying, simply to create the delusion that I am paying attention,
I ponder those words again, “real life journey”. I can’t help but think that my
real life journey has passed me and that I will never be able to extract it
Sitting in a stuffy auditorium filled with family members
and intellectuals, I immerse myself in nostalgia, floating backwards to the
years preceding this moment.
I remember sitting there, in my family room, you called me,
and said you had something important to tell me. Just as I finished the
insurmountable amount of reading and studying that needed to be done for
midterms, your name shows up on my phone, and without picking up I answer the
door because I knew you were there.
Normally, I would have greeted you by hugging you warmly and
asked how your day was but, I knew tonight was not going to be a normal night.
When I opened the door, and your arms attempted to wrap themselves in an
embracing hello, I openly rejected your offer. Walking into the kitchen, you in
front, where the stench of a rotting relationship followed you, we made our way
into the family room.
I sat down on the sofa first. The sofa I sat on was adjacent
to the window where as the sofa you sat on that night was parallel to the wall,
it didn’t matter, because in the end we were facing each other. Silence over took the room, as if we
were attempting to listen for a tree falling in the woods miles away. Your eyes
were shifted downward as you shuffled your feet anxiously, and I simply stared
at you with antipathy and melancholy while uncontrollable shaking occurred
throughout my right arm.
I waited for one…two…three… four then five minutes before
you finally shifted your eyes upward toward my face only to see the affliction
and torment you caused cascading down my cheeks. Quickly turning my head to
rest my chin on my shoulder you said with a weary voice, “I can’t do this
anymore”. I turn towards you only
to breakdown in tears and in disbelief I shut my eyes tightly and cover my ears
while my elbows are touching and repeating in my head “why is this happening”?
“I don’t know, I just don’t know” you said trying to hold
your tears of remorse back. I
remember at this point I stopped shaking, I stopped crying and opened my
computer and sent a letter of confirmation in accepting my admittance to the
university of my dreams; dreams I put on deference for you.
In the end, you didn’t know about us and I wasn’t going to
stick around waiting for you to love me.
Now, I am here at my university’s graduation wading in a
group of 300 undergraduates awaiting their diplomas of higher achievement. Wading in my black robe I hear my name
being called and as I walk down that aisle to “begin my life journey” I take my
bachelors degree and tears begin rolling down my face like razor blades cutting
deep into every strand of emotion attached to you at this moment. As I walk down the stairs of the
podium, the only thing I am thinking about is what if. What if I didn’t send the acceptance
email and we worked things out? What if I didn’t go to this university and
stayed closer to you? What if I did something differently back then and we
would still be together. Was this moment worth leaving love? With all these
questions inside my mind, I begin to cry harder walking down the aisle back to
my seat but as I was walking I see a familiar face in the crowd of hundreds of
At that moment that our eyes met I could vaguely see tears
running down your face and I knew that I didn’t leave love. I knew that you
still loved me and the anticipation of being able to jump into your arms again
after the ceremony was over, would be the greatest joy I could ever feel. I
realized then that love left me, I didn’t leave love, but it came back to be
with me in my real life journey.
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