allie smith

  • 1504
Ive been hurt, and i have recovered myself from the deepest and most painfull sensations i had ever imagined. Im alive.
Friends
Empty
Relationships
Empty
Added a post 
Life goes by. I breathe, i sleep, i feel my heart ache. Invisible tears run through my face and it seems to be im ok. I seek to unveil, i seek peace within me to let my soul float, fly, or at least pass by unharmed. I promised i wouldnt let anything hurt it, but again, i found another piece of sweet emotions, a blend of what u feel when u are at the edge of a mountain, and u look down, the breeze of a beach wave, the sound of silence. Love. I know its short, i know it will end but i fail to let it go unnoticed. This hurts me again, after so long, i had wrapped myself into a thick wool blanket, and couldnt feel the cold, but im freezing now. My body shivers, im pale, cant feel my heart beat. I feel pain, the pain that consumes you when u touch it, the pain that burns u when u breathe. I try to escape. I cant escape myself, i lost my blanket, im lost in the middle of a snowy forest, frezzing to death and the only thing more unthinkable than loving you is forgetting you. I wont live to tell this story, i may fly away,  this time ill leave u my heart, i dont need it anymore...ill never feel it again.     

,

Added a post 

Its been a while since my last sunset, a while since sunrise. A few minutes since i woke up and i feel like ive been sleeping over two lifetimes. Its night, the reflection from the lights in the living room hit my face. and i cant see you. You are not here. I woke up inspired, in pain, in love. Without a clue why, i just started writing again, because i dont want to forget how this night feels. I have little tiny fingers touching my arm on one side, and thats the main love stream right now. Im tired, i just want to rest. Im hurt, shivering inside, and thats normal. Love is not going to heal me, Ive had love, i havent loved. What i need is masked, and i cant see it or touch it. My life is a learning journey, and i believe profoundly that this life is the dreams of my real life, in another dimension. I believe that waking up tired and feeling sleepy comes from my real life, where i go to sleep and dream, and this life is what i dream of, and thats why i cant find love, real love, cant find rest, cant seace my thrist, my desire of you.  I dont like dreaming. Im just going to go to sleep, and hope to go back to my real life.

,

Added a post 

Feb 24, 2009.

Eres la prueba que los suenos se cumplen, se vuelven realidad y hasta cobran vida. Te amo, mas que en mis suenos, te mando un beso en el que ojala cupiera todo lo que siento port ti.

Added a post 

Thanks i give God for keeping me here still,
Thanks i give God for not making me ill,
Thanks i give God for my son, my love, my all
Thanks i give God for yesterday, for today my love.

Added a post 

Its 11:57pm and i feel confused.  I hear my heart beat, and then i turn the music on. I hear my fingers type and i cant tell what i write, its just my mind telling its story. Once again i have the need to say that im exausted. I tend to gamble my heart, and i never win. I gamble my life and never make profit. This time i ended betrayed, i deserved it. I ended upset, and with a desire to break any emotional string attached to me. No thoughts of hurting myself, no thoughts of waking up, just dissapointed, really. Maybe need some time, more time. Time is tired of waiting, time is also bored. Time needs to pass. Im holding time like it should never go on, like its to stay. My life is just a labrinth of thoughts and fears. I wish i could fly and just erase that cloudy veil. You will never understand, but i still have to write. You will never even read this, but if you did, i know you would ask what it means. Its sad to say goodbye. Its hard to face mistakes when they are part of you, when you are addicted to them. There is no worse drug than any addiction. Addicted to you, but not in love.

Added a post 

What to do when you are in the middle, when you feel that half of your body pulls to the right, and half to the left, when, after many years you conceived a child, and are not in love with his father, when you meet someone who makes yu shiver, makes you tremble, makes you content, but not f=dream. when you meet that someone who is not the father of your kid, but brings out the woman in you, and touches you with his breath to make you melt. This person is making me doubt, i would like to have him with me but he doesnt have a steady job, and is not very responsible. He is older than m by 8 years. im 26. I recently separated from the father of my son and have been involved with this new man. I feel like im in love with him sometimes,. but then others i feel like its a crazy thing because no one knows, and because i dont feel secure with him. I need half of each one of them. Please help me.
By the way, my son is 2 years old.
What should i do? Now, my husband wants to come back with us to the new apartment i just rented. What to do?????

Added a post 
It goes really slow, and it dances through my hair, around my neck, down my chest, into my heart. Its a clear veil mixed with sounds of happiness and eternity. Its like the feeling of peace on a deserted island, where you can only hear your footsteps. Life has finally given up, and calm has arrived, only to enter into a new phase, where another turbulence awaits to start. Love and happiness come after, but it will be hard to beat. I feel so good, i feel alive, i feel tickles, and my heart beats fast again. You have changed the blood in my veins, you have given me new air to breath, and its all fresh, i can feel it. When i leave your side i miss you, when i see you i miss you. I've noticed that this is a different feeling, its not a rush, its not an adventure, its the begining of my life, that which i neglected all these years just because i wanted something else, something that never existed. This love is my love for you, and i plan on nurturing it 'till the end of our days, i dream of my life with yours, for many years, with happiness and sorrow, but filled with passion and desire. May life and love give us the miracle blessing of staying on this wave until we reach the shore. Modified by Loveandforget
Added a post 
How can you love like this? How do you live your life? Is it a lie? Is it a game you created in your mind? I already believe, after so long, that this life is just one, and there is nothing behind these days that will make it change. I still don’t believe this love is true, it never was, even though you pretended. I followed a road that led me to a high mountain, and then dropped me down from it. I fell, and thinking I wasn’t going to make it alive, I gave up on all my dreams, I called God and asked him to have grace on my soul. After a few minutes, I found myself landing, and it was a smooth ride. I stepped into a wonderful forest, where no lies existed. I finally heard myself and believed that you lied all this time, you are like all the others, there’s nothing special about you, because you are not the love of my life. I didn’t hurt myself on the way down, I thought I was going to die and that’s why I felt scared, sad, and grabbed on to you, but God saved me and I don’t need your charity, I don’t need your lies, or acts of impossible and suffered love. Take the mask off and go on with your life, and at the end of it, you will find that you lost half of it, you wasted time and energy by pretending. Life is short, and just like I fell down the cliff and fell alive, you are coming down with me, but when you land, you’ll feel that you lived your life with ghosts that never let you free. Modified by Loveandforget
Added a post 
Maybe love is a feeling of tingle, maybe is a feeling of pain, or happiness, or sorrow. I felt in love again, i kissed a man. I found something on him that made me shiver, it made my heart beat again. I found the lips i was dreaming, i found the hands that caress my face. He is a deep and interesting voice, he is a book with answers to life, he is sweet and gentle. I fell last night, and it was a smooth ride, one of those where i just had to open up and talk about my feelings, something i had'nt done in a while. I felt like this a long time ago, but i couldnt look, say, or dream about it, it was not possible. My idea of the perfect man was not close to him, and i neglected myself. Now, i had a chance to finally taste the lips of this wonderful kisser, and i loved it.
Added a post 
Now and for all I have realized that my life has been a burden all these years, that I had locked myself between years of memories and hopes that will never come true, because there is nothing left. I had closed a book in my life that kept dear feelings and memories, but I never threw it out, I never burned it, and now is here to hunt me again. All I want is to be free, to have peace of mind and soul, to feel love where I can reach it, to feel grateful and most important, to feel happiness. Maybe I’m a selfish person, I’ve had it all, and I still ask for more. I might need to go to sleep one night, and dream and find something on that dream that would help me out of this turbulence. I have tried thinking and convincing myself of things, I have tried to believe the most authentic lies I could think of, but I just can’t do it. I’m still locked in here, and every time I hear the sound of your voice I can see clearly everything in my heart. Even if I never heard of you again, even if I never read your letters, or saw your pictures, you will come back to my mind every time I listen to a song in the radio, any time I see the birds fly and be free, any time I sit and look out in the rain, you will come to me. I guess some of us are born to experience the strangest things, like this love, if you want to call it. Some of us will never have the answers to our questions, and will be in doubt for life. I have realized that there is nothing on this planet that can make me forget you, nothing that can make me hate you, or even feel this same way for another human being, it doesn’t exist. I have given up now, and will go on with my heavy and wet life on my shoulders, until I reach the end of this road, and maybe one day we will meet, and be free, and run, and dance like we dreamed, maybe even kiss, and caress each other, like we had planned long time ago. The only mistake I made was thinking that you would love me like I do; think that I could make you come back to me. To look back down into that endless hole in my life, and try to reach something that is deep down there, where not even time can take me to it again, its dark, and dead, its cold and wet, its buried down there, there is nothing left to grab, nothing left, that was my mistake.
Added a post 
When i think of you i feel my heart beat, i feel my arms weak, and float, float along in the air, with a soft pace, and then feel weak, again. When i think of you, it rains, it sings, and all emotions come to an end. Whn i think of you, i remember us, sitting high up, kissing all night long, and happiness around us. When i think of you i see light, i see love, i feel sad, and it goes away very fast. When i feel love i think of you, when i feel happy i think of you, then i think of us. Sometimes when i cry, for whatever reason, it all goes back to you, and why im sad, its you. When i run, and my body sweats, and feels warm, i feel you, like i felt all the times we were together, i feel good, then it goes away. WHen i think of you i can hear my favorite songs, i can sing my dearest melodies, and i can imagine myself in the best place on earth. Then it goes away. When i remember happiness, the last time i felt it, i had you in my arms, tight, and we felt so close it was a heaven day. It went away soon. When i think of you, my love, i can see all pages in my life, and the the ones after i lost you are empty, they have nothing, just day and nights, the first ones have love, have colors, and have you.
Added a post 
Tonight i feel sad, i feel that i have not reached anywhere in my life, i have not met my goals, my dreams, my ideas, or pleasures. I feel that i was just born again, that i have to start over, and it makes me a little scared because i dont have you. I never thought i would feel this way again, but you changed it all. You have the power to do things in my life that you dont even know. You make my days blue, or green, or black and white. Its you who decides how im going to feel, and that is not good. I love you the way you are, i love the man you are, and everything about you. Even when you make my life so tiny, and so little, i think of you, but it doesnt make me happy. I feel that im very close to the end of what i always thought to be the best part of my life, the love i always dreamed of, the romance anyone would want, or desire, the feeling of your heart beating for many years to the same beat. All of what will be gone forever, and that is the reason for my letter. I want to tell you that i will never forget you, i will never forget how you kiss, how you caress, how you touch my hands, how you look into my eyes, i can still remember it all. I will never forget how long i waited for you, and still wait, but its the end. I will never forget the day i found you again, and the happiness that drained out of my eyes, it was a very special moment, eventhough you were not there to see it. I will never forget our story, all these years of pain, and suffering, everything you said to me, all the songs you sang, and the letters you wrote will be in my mind for life. I want to tell you that even though you didnt choose us, and you chose another life, it will be the bottom of my dreams and the core of my heart, it will remain there always, and it will sometimes make me cry. I will survive this because im strong, and because at least i have a love to remember in my life. You and me will never be together, but i, my love, will love you forever. With all my heart, Your soulmate.
Info
Full Name:
allie smith
Friends count:
Followers count:
Membership
Administrator
My Posts