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It is now 1:00 in the morning and I sit here with a sad face, but I am not sad. Rather, I am pensive, looking deep within myself and exploring my feelings. It is hard to delve into one’s soul and reveal these things. It is even harder to sit and wait; to be patient when all you want is her. An image appears at the forefront of my thoughts. It is her. I feel as though my memory serves me only for the purpose of remembering her face; her bright eyes and freckled skin, her cute smile and funny personality. Her beauty is engraved in my mind. Her grace and elegance is sublime and unforgettable. She is within reach, yet farther than anyone I’ve ever known; ironic, I know.

 

Some say that eyes are the doors to one’s soul; however her eyes are something special. Her eyes, I shall say, are not the doors to her soul, but rather an opportunity; an opportunity for me to behold true beauty, an opportunity to feel overwhelming  happiness, an opportunity for me to do what I am doing now; revealing my soul. As mentioned before, it’s been a while since I metaphorically put pen to paper. It’s been a while since I’ve had a muse, someone who can ignite my passionate soul; someone who can awaken such an immense pool of emotions that leak out through my words. How can it be that I have these feelings already? This is another question that scares me. Is it too soon or will waiting be the wrong decision to make? I sit on this chair with my mind all afloat. Mixed feelings and confusion still linger. Fear is what I fear most. I am afraid of feeling afraid, of not having the confidence to grab this bull by the horns. Moreover, I am afraid of the unknown. This is why I sit here once again, typing away, revealing myself through my words. Like many others, I have phobias. I am afraid of heights, I am afraid of torture and thoughts of hopelessness, and I am afraid of the future. The latter of the three is the phobia with the most venom, for I do not have the ability to see the future and thus, in situations of stress and anxiety, I fear it. Part of this fear draws from a fear that my hopes and dreams will fall short and my heart will be broken.

 

The hopes and dreams that I form in my mind are what keep me awake late into the mornings. They feed my insomnia. You see, it’s hard for me to walk bravely into a future of which I know nothing about. For this reason, I dream up scenarios with the intention of being prepared, or at the least, comfortable with what could happen. In my silent conversation with my mind, I predict the words that would fall off my tongue. I predict the content, I predict the tone and I even go as far as predicting the outcome. What would she say back? How would she reply and how would it affect me? This is what I fear. What if her response makes me happy? Is that a possible situation? I’m not scared of happiness. I’m just scared of the likeliness that her response would hurt my heart. Once the words had cemented their place in my thoughts, I began to drift in a different direction. I began focusing on the minute details of the interaction with this beautiful girl. How fast would my heart beat? Would I even be able to speak a single word or would I shrink into withdrawal? Would I get those stomach-quenching butterflies? I break this down even further. If my heart was beating fast, how would I react? Would I pant and breathe so quickly or would I front a calm appearance? If butterflies filled my stomach to its brink, would they explode out in joyous explosion or would they cripple me to no end.

 

Despite the twists and turns of my thoughts and feelings, I am blessed to have this chance. Not many can feel like I do and you are to thank. It’s hard to sleep and my sensitivity is on the fritz, but I wouldn’t want it any other way. I’m on a path that can lead me in one of two directions. One path paves way to heartbreak; the kind that lingers for days, even months.  The other path, as you probably have already guessed, is the better of the two. It leads to a content heart, a fulfilled soul and a future that I cannot wait to be a part of. I just hope and I hope that this dream will come true. “It’s 11:11...make a wish.”

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