Tears of Rain

 

I’m lying in bed and all I hear is the soft ticking sounds of the clock on the wall. It’s been about an hour now. All I can think about is you…with her. I don’t want to think about you. I want to forget everything about you, but the more I try the more I don’t. My phone vibrates. 6:00am.; it’s my alarm. I’m so lost in the seconds. I faintly hear the sounds around me. Too scared to move. Thoughts race through my head. I’m in reflection. Finally my phone quivers to the ground between my left night stand and wooden bed side. The clattering sound startles me. I sit up slowly to the edge of my bed till both of my feet almost touch the floor. I lift my head so that my eyes are level with my mirror. I look as though I’ve been crying. Well…at least I don’t think I have been. “Tomorrow already” I ponder. “These days just don’t seem long enough.” I hit the shower for 25.

            I wasn’t always like this. I was told I had the healing touch.  I was outspoken, but still had limits. As I’d roam the halls smiling, one day a girl asked me, “What do you see in everyday?” I wasn’t really sure what that meant, but I really didn’t have anything to say.  She looked at me as though she wasn’t really expecting a response, and knew the question was harder to answer than to be asked. She looked confused and sad. She just smiled and walked about. That question really stuck on me though…

John Peters is an average teenage boy. Although he was the only boy that could put the biggest smile on my face. John was cute, funny, and the biggest dork ever, but above all….I was totally and completely in love with him. He knew this too. It didn’t bother him though. John actually teased me about it quite often, but I didn’t mind it either because the only thing that it made me do was blush. I knew that there was something there when I first laid eyes on him.

            Until about three months ago; he took something from me that I will never be able to take back. I trusted him, but in the end I guess it was all a joke and I will never know. You would think that I’d have the nerve to confront him about it. But every time I look at him or hear his voice it’s like the first time every time and I just fall for him all over again. Then I remember you’re with her…and I get this overwhelming feeling of tears forthcoming. I just can’t help but look away. But only if he knew. Only if he would look at me and see my face and know what he did to me and see the tears I rain for him.

            Jesse Healy, his best friend, is also my best friend’s brother. It’s weird how were all connected. Therefore he is also like my brother. The week after all this happened I just didn’t know what to do. I called him.

            “Jesse?”

“Yeah, Rachel…are you okay?”

“No! I don’t know! I just don’t know what to do! Johns not talking to me and I’m trying not to be clingy or anything! But I feel like he’s throwing me away. He hasn’t talked to me sense the day after it happened and you’re his best friend! And!”

  “Rachel! Rachel! Hold on! Didn’t John tell you?”

 “Tell me what!? He hasn’t told me anything”

“I’m so sorry!” “Jesse what is it!?”…….

 “John and Jessica are back together…I’m so sorry Rachel. It’s pretty messed up that he did this to you and I’ve told him this too. Don’t get sad over him, even though he’s my best friend, he’s not worth it.”

“I won’t” I lied. Too bad I think so.

            When we hung up the phone, I didn’t cry at first. I gasped for air as my knees dropped to the cold tiled floor. “I can’t take this anymore. I don’t want to cry.” I thought to myself, as tears welled up in my eyes. I’ve chased this boy around for three years. And I swear. He didn’t just have me at hello. I fell for him the second I saw him.

That night you have no idea how many times I picked up the phone and tried to dial his number, and how many times I put it back down, just because I was too weak to press a button, and how long I cried holding that phone in my hand as I slowly fell apart to sleep.

I’ll never forget the next day at school. It was probably now the second worst day of my life. I don’t take the bus cause it drives me absolutely crazy having to sit there for an hour while our bus driver does bit stops every three minutes. So I have my friend Kristina pick me up in her 1979 Chevy pickup. She has blond hair, skinny, and has that kind of tom boy look to her. The first thing she says to me when i get in her truck is " Are you okay" I hate that question cause almost every time someone asks  it’s, it’s  pretty damn much the leading phrase to start balling. And of course I can’t even keep a straight face. I had to put effort into my mind since the moment I opened my brown eyes to try and pull off that day and I was convinced I could do it too. I was so ready… but that question… just always gets to me.

            "Out of all the times John makes you smile Rachel, he makes a cry and acts like a complete dick to you way more. I just don’t know why you don’t see it. I’m not telling you this to make you more sad. I’m just telling you the truth cause that’s what friends do. They’re there to pick you back up on your feet when you fall and point you back in the right direction. I would never lie to you. And look at what he just did to you.  That’s just not right. You deserve so much better, and all he’s done is mess with your head. I know your trying not to believe this and I can see its written all over your face, but I know the only reason you did this was because it was the only thing you knew you had left to give because you knew that he was walking away. You just didn’t want to see it.”

            That day was also the one day that felt the longest. I have no others to compare. Every step I took pulled me down slamming into the ground. It’s a good thing to shelter yourself around your friends. So when you do fall down, it’s into the hands of open arms. There are bigger things in this world that you cannot always see on the outside that hurt the most because some hide it or get lost. Some leave drops were ever they go. Remember don’t close your eyes. Just always look up and don’t let fear tear you apart.

 My best friend once told me, “You can’t let go of something that was never yours.” See….that’s the problem…I’ll never have him…but he’ll always have me.

But this isn’t the end yet, remember I’m still in the beginning of my story….so here I am

 

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