Pain surrounds me day and night

I didnt want anything to do with you.
Yes thats the truth after the years you put me through confusion and anger,
i wanted you gone and for me to never have to face you again in the future.
It work for about a year and half i didnt hear from you or seen you and i had no worrys in my life anymore.
Apart from the nightmares at night and me waking in the early hours of the morning screaming out your name with such anger.
You put me through hell with the things you did to me when i was little, the way you looked at me and called my name when you where in the toilet.
How could you and your mates do the things you did. I was your daughter or didnt you care.
Now look i dont even call you my father i call you by your first name.

I woke up one morning and called you, yes i did there was no answer i called pop and he gave me your new number.
Aswell as telling me something ive wanted to hear for 7 years straight, he told me you where really sick.
I was shocked that my past wish i wished on you was coming so fast.
I rang you as much as i didnt want to but the phone rang out and continued to ring out.
3rd time lucky your friend answered, you where drunk again but still talked, you told me how sick you where
and that i should come see you before my 18th because doctors told you, you wouldnt make it to see your only daughters next birthday.
I couldnt breath, i couldnt talk all i could do was press the end call button.

I tried to keep the tears in, why i wanted to cry after the things you did to me is unknown.
Maybe i dont want you to die, maybe i just want you to say sorry for the things you did. Maybe i want you to take back the harshful words that came out of your mouth.
Maybe i want you to explain why you hit me when i didnt do anything wrong, or why you called out my mum when you where in the toilet with the door wide open and you standing there without your pants on. Was it funny to you to have your daughter feeling lost and scared.
I want to know why you cameĀ into my room late at night and make me hurt in spots i didnt thing would back then.
I was only 7 and you continued to do the things you did till i was 13.
Maybe i dont want you to die till you have apoligized for the nightmares you have brought to me and they have continued to stay there and im now 18.

Maybe i just want the night mares to go away so i can get a good night sleep without waking to screaming out "No dont stop"
Thats my only wish that i want and know will never come true.

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