she believes you. she just hurts a whole hell of a lot. and she doesnt know whats gonna happen right now, her friends graduating makes her think of the future, and she never knows how her life will turn out. trust me. i know these things. we are really good friends. =]
im sorry tho, really i am.
she may believe me, but lately the questions has been more if she believes herself, and what she thinks.... im more worried about that then what i think or believe..... i sit here and i think, what if im not what she wants anymore... cause well me and this girl havent seen eachother in a really long time.... maybe there is someone else for her..... the thing that scares me is that she could decide there is someone else for her, but there is NO one else for me, there is no one i want to be with..... if you know where she is coming from... then can i ask you something? where does SHE want to be? and how do i deal with the fact that she doesnt know whats going on.... when for me whats going on is singly decided by what she wants..... if she wants the moon for a centerpiece at a table... then she has but say the word..... if she wants my hand forever then she has but say the word..... if she wants a friend then she can have a friend.......... but shes so afraid that shes going to push me away, i dont think she gets that I UNDERSTAND what was going on.... i understand that there were EXTREME circumstances...... and that the whole thing got way out of control for stupid reasons..... I dont think she gets.... that if she said she wanted me to..... idk you name it..... pick the stars out of the sky for a boquette.... then i would..... and i dont know how to say this to her... i dont know how to tell her how much she means to me cause ive really screwed up in the past... and i dont know if she believes me anymore, i mean i know she says it, and that you say you think so..... but i think that the things ive done in the past that have hurt her, and the time apart..... i dont know how she feels anymore,.. i know how i feel like i know the sun will rise, like i know that fire is hot and snow is cold...... but how she feels...... idk
How do i ask her? any advice for me?
She is broken, and feeling more and more numb every day. she doesn't hurt anymore on the bright side. haha ^_^ she wants to be there, but she thinks that something "real" can't hurt her so much on the inside for sooo long. she doesn't want to have to remember all the pain, but the good, and right now, there is none. hunny, she loves you, really she does, but sometimes she wonders if love is enough to keep her there, because she can't watch her life fade away before her eyes, because that's whats happening. you know shes defying her family to be with you, as you were her, but the thing is since her mom knew the whole time-- she doesn't like the feeling. her brother and sisters are angry with her for her "bad decisions" and her mom and dad are pissed with her for doing what she feels is right. i hate watching her with these emotions, because we've been friends for so long. it makes me wanna sink into a hole. i love her, and i know you do, but if there are going to be ALL these obstacles for ever... idk how long she can do this, because she's ripping apart at the seams TRYING to work on things and be strong for everyong. i just dont know how to help her anymore?
..... she should be happy... and do what she needs to do, if she needs to walk away... maybe it will work one day.... because knowing that she is in pain, and defying friends, family and everyone else, just to endure the pain for something she isnt even sure is worth it anymore.... well that puts him in a situation that he hates really really bad.... on one side he wants it all to be right, and to work..... but on the other side.... he wonders does the good outway the bad or is it just a masochistic little sharad..... time will tell..... i think that maybe..... its something that should be set aside until everything is all right.... until all the obstacles disapear because of a little number..... i know that i want to marry you... when i can... when its possible.... and i want that so bad..... but in the mean time its not fair of me to drag you along if this is whats going on with you........ i have to be forward with you..... im gonna be gone for the next two years.... not like not talking to you... cause i will talk to you as much as possible.... but im going to jackson, and then to georgia for training..... which is a long story that i will tell you when i see you in person.... i kinda came to that conclusion when your mom asked me to give it some time.... like as in specifically asked me to stay away..... i think i will see you before i leave.... and then i will do all the explaining.... ill tell you everything..... but i cant let you go through this for me.... if your still there when i come back..... then ill ask you to marry me on the spot.... but in the mean time it really really really isnt fair of me to have you go through all of this.... i feel like shit and i feel like the worst person ever..... its sick.... its wrong.... and its not like i want to, but im stuck between not being able to let go of you and what i know is right for me, but then again what if what is right for me isnt right for you? i love you.... and when im gone ill think of you every damn day..... but i cant stick around here..... a few miles from you and not be able to see you.... it will drive me insane.... because i think you will be moving on..... and ill just be wasting away.... im gonna make something of my life.... and in two years if you wanna join me on that journey then i would love to have you..... hell we could go to paris.... i might be there for a bit anyways.... im gonna be kinda traveling the world.... like i said dont ask me how.... not gonna explain it till im in person... so here is my thoughts on all this.....
i love you..... with every part of me..... but me trying to be with you and work through all this shit is hurting you..... and i never wanted to be the guy to hurt you... i already did that enough.... and here i am again hurting you on accident.... its enough to make me do something stupid.... i hate it.... i hate myself for it..... i think that the time will give us time.... to heal, to realize all the good and get past the obstacles..... i dont want this to be time to not talk... i want it to be time to heal.... necessary time.... your hurt..... and its my fault.... whether directly or indirectly it is my fault.... all of it.... and so i really have no one to blame but me..... please dont hate me or say your sorry..... please just realize..... "that everything i do, i do for you"
sometime after the 19th of next month id like to come see you..... i want a hug, and i wanna be able to say my ta ta for nows..... because i will see you again.... whether at that time you still think its right and you wanna be with me is your choice.....
p.s. give caleb a chance..... maybe he will be better for you
p.p.s ålways know that when i say and said i love you.... i mean it more then anything.... im more serious on that one thing then the hand of god himself coming down to smite me... ill always be here for you, even if i was over in iraq.... give me a call and ill be there for you
make it through, for me.... hold on, for me when i cant be there by your side remember in truth im still inside if im still in your heart im still there with you your still in mine its true across the world, or holding you remember always... what i feel is true