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I am ... a thinker, a writer, and the same as you and everyone else, but different.
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It is now 1:00 in the morning and I sit here with a sad face, but I am not sad. Rather, I am pensive, looking deep within myself and exploring my feelings. It is hard to delve into one’s soul and reveal these things. It is even harder to sit and wait; to be patient when all you want is her. An image appears at the forefront of my thoughts. It is her. I feel as though my memory serves me only for the purpose of remembering her face; her bright eyes and freckled skin, her cute smile and funny personality. Her beauty is engraved in my mind. Her grace and elegance is sublime and unforgettable. She is within reach, yet farther than anyone I’ve ever known; ironic, I know.


Some say that eyes are the doors to one’s soul; however her eyes are something special. Her eyes, I shall say, are not the doors to her soul, but rather an opportunity; an opportunity for me to behold true beauty, an opportunity to feel overwhelming  happiness, an opportunity for me to do what I am doing now; revealing my soul. As mentioned before, it’s been a while since I metaphorically put pen to paper. It’s been a while since I’ve had a muse, someone who can ignite my passionate soul; someone who can awaken such an immense pool of emotions that leak out through my words. How can it be that I have these feelings already? This is another question that scares me. Is it too soon or will waiting be the wrong decision to make? I sit on this chair with my mind all afloat. Mixed feelings and confusion still linger. Fear is what I fear most. I am afraid of feeling afraid, of not having the confidence to grab this bull by the horns. Moreover, I am afraid of the unknown. This is why I sit here once again, typing away, revealing myself through my words. Like many others, I have phobias. I am afraid of heights, I am afraid of torture and thoughts of hopelessness, and I am afraid of the future. The latter of the three is the phobia with the most venom, for I do not have the ability to see the future and thus, in situations of stress and anxiety, I fear it. Part of this fear draws from a fear that my hopes and dreams will fall short and my heart will be broken.


The hopes and dreams that I form in my mind are what keep me awake late into the mornings. They feed my insomnia. You see, it’s hard for me to walk bravely into a future of which I know nothing about. For this reason, I dream up scenarios with the intention of being prepared, or at the least, comfortable with what could happen. In my silent conversation with my mind, I predict the words that would fall off my tongue. I predict the content, I predict the tone and I even go as far as predicting the outcome. What would she say back? How would she reply and how would it affect me? This is what I fear. What if her response makes me happy? Is that a possible situation? I’m not scared of happiness. I’m just scared of the likeliness that her response would hurt my heart. Once the words had cemented their place in my thoughts, I began to drift in a different direction. I began focusing on the minute details of the interaction with this beautiful girl. How fast would my heart beat? Would I even be able to speak a single word or would I shrink into withdrawal? Would I get those stomach-quenching butterflies? I break this down even further. If my heart was beating fast, how would I react? Would I pant and breathe so quickly or would I front a calm appearance? If butterflies filled my stomach to its brink, would they explode out in joyous explosion or would they cripple me to no end.


Despite the twists and turns of my thoughts and feelings, I am blessed to have this chance. Not many can feel like I do and you are to thank. It’s hard to sleep and my sensitivity is on the fritz, but I wouldn’t want it any other way. I’m on a path that can lead me in one of two directions. One path paves way to heartbreak; the kind that lingers for days, even months.  The other path, as you probably have already guessed, is the better of the two. It leads to a content heart, a fulfilled soul and a future that I cannot wait to be a part of. I just hope and I hope that this dream will come true. “It’s 11:11...make a wish.”

, ,

 It is 2:30 in the morning and you may be asking yourself why I left the comfort of my bed to sit uncomfortably in front of a computer, permitting only the light of the screen to fill the tiny cracks and crevices of my darkened room. If I knew, I would tell you, but I don’t. I don’t know a lot of things anymore. I let my heart lead me, and it led me here. You see, it’s been a while since I’ve written anything of real meaning, since a story that touched my heart would make its mark on paper. Now, awake but asleep, my confused fingers are drawn to the revealing keyboard and I begin to type looking for answers; figuring out the story one word at a time. It’s not as though I am a mute, incapable of speaking out, but no amount of twists and turns of the tongue can truly emulate all that I feel. Perhaps that does make me a mute; a mute that has been silenced by the sword of passion, slashed across by the swords of irrationality and fear. Perhaps, in all this confusion, the only thing I can truly rely on is the swiftness of my fingers as they grace the keyboard. Still here, I click and I clack as my story develops, similar to the growth and natural progression of my emotions.


This story; however, isn’t simply about my insomnia, nor is about the ability of technology to free my soul. This story is actually and quite frankly about love; or at least the thought of getting there. You see, my soul is easily grasped by the thought of love. That is not to say that I fall in love with every girl and that is not to say that every girl has that power over me. It simply means that I’m a romantic. In fact, a better description would mark me as a hopeless romantic; one who would jump over the moon for love and fall helplessly into the ground without it. This perhaps, is my greatest flaw. This perhaps and just maybe, is the reason that I sit here alone in my room becoming well acquainted with my good friend insomnia. This perhaps is the reason why I feel in leaps and bounds with no in-betweens. This, perhaps, is me.


I peer into this light before me, staring into the luminescent glow which pains my eyes in hopes of finding salvation for my soul; a buoy to keep me afloat amongst this frenzy of emotions, a lighthouse to provide me with direction. One word at a time, I find myself digging smoothly into the depths of my heart, closer and closer to my burdened soul. I pause for a moment to gather my thoughts. It’s hard in times like these to truly understand yourself and how you feel. It’s hard to make sense of a world that’s neither clear-cut nor explicable. That is also why I sit here waiting for words to come to me; for my brain to send a message to my fingers to type the answers to my soul. It’s strange to think about the relationship between your brain and your actions, while doing an action and thinking about your brain. Sleep-deprivation and a confused heart are beginning to express themselves in my writing. My momentum fails me. Words don’t appear on the screen in the same elegance and grace as they had earlier. My eyes begin to droop as physical and mental exhaustion start taking their toll.


I hear nothing but my fingers tapping on the keyboard; not a stir in the halls, nor a stir outside. I can understand why. Not many would wilfully choose to do what I’m doing, but then again, not many feel the same way as I. Wait. Maybe I am wrong in that statement. I say that this was my decision, but there’s something deceiving about all of this. I don’t feel the same kind of control that I previously mentioned. I don’t feel as though I can predict the direction and course of my life, not even my immediate future. I am helpless in that sense; powerless. Love, or at the very least, “Like,” has grabbed me by the ankles and is not letting go. I am not in control. I am subject to serendipity. Fate, destiny, whatever you choose to call it, I am its victim; imprisoned till the end of time. I can only hope that luck will be on my side. I can only pray that it will all work out in the end. I can only let life lead me…and that scares me to death.



, ,

Here I am, Alone and cold, Fearing the worst, Expecting what’s told. I've died inside, twice in fact, For I’ve lost my love, I’ve lost my pact, With the angels and the goddesses of this earth, I have lost all that matters and all that life's worth. I can see my heart, it lies on the floor. I can see all the pain; I can see the parts that I've tore. I had my utopia; I thought I was set, But it seems that I’ve lost the deal, it seems that I’ve lost that bet. No longer will I have this life of love; No longer will I feel joy, Because I’ve lost my love, I’ve lost my life, I’ve lost myself and everything dear to me. The eerie part is that I'd give others advice, But here I am feeling intense anguish And there's nothing I can do But shed the saddest tears that have ever left my lonely eyes. Now I am nothing more than a puzzle with missing pieces, a newborn with no name, a soul without a body, and sadly, a Tarzan without his Jane. I am, in all honesty... Incomplete.
"Tears stream down my face, leaving in my heart an empty space, once full of smiles, now full of pain, will I ever be happy again?" Modified by Deeds10

Thank you ... For staying with me, For not running away from me, For embracing me, And not erasing me, From your memory, From your thoughts, From the Pandora's box, Found deep within your heart. Thank you... For trusting me, Having faith in me, Giving me hope And saving me, Showing me that you cared about me, And weren't scared for me Helping me learn To become the man I want to be. Thank you... For holding me, squeezing me, listening to my words And understanding me, For not letting go of me, And protecting me, from the great God of Fear And his demons that lived inside of me. Thank you... For your presence, For your grace, For yours eyes and your lips, And your beautiful face, For your sweet soft glow, that shines through the night, For your innocent beauty, And your powerful might. Finally I want to thank you for one last thing... Thank you... For being you, For the light in you, The dark in you, The virtue and the vice in you, For the naughty and the nice in you, and all the things inside of you, The things that made me fall in love with you, And the things that drive me crazy too. Thank you... From the bottom of my heart, From the deepest reaches of my soul, Thank you for being who you are, Thank you for being you.

Written by Deeds10
Submitted by Deeds10

My high school sweet heart, You are the one I love And for my love, I would do anything For you...I’d climb any mountain, swim any ocean I’d walk through the desert, succumb to your potion I’d help fight your demons, protect you from harm, I’d provide you with shelter, no need for alarm I’d travel afar, across the seven seas, And if I did wrong, I’d beg on my knees I’d dedicate my love, to this girl of mine, I’d treasure the minutes and moments in time I’d be a good man, caring and kind, I’d be quite lucky to strike such a find, And also blessed is what I’d be, Because my world in your eyes is what I see, I’d be grateful to have you by my side, Someone, in whom I can always confide, Tell all my secrets, without worry or fear, Share all my feelings, and shed a few tears. You are that person and I am at peace, You have given me a thoughtful release. What more can I ask from this angel of mine, Then to ask a favor, a favor sublime, That you’ll stay with me forever in time, And promise me you’ll forever be mine!

Written by Deeds10
Submitted by Deeds10
I remember when I first laid eyes on you, talked to you, walked with you and I knew I wanted to be with you. Your eyes, your lips, your face reminded me of the glowing stars and that feeling, that look you had, from my mind will never erase. I yearn for them day and night; they give me wings as I take flight. They make me want to scream out loud, to reach up high and touch the clouds.They give me strength to get up each day, this feeling I hope will always stay, but in conclusion my final thought about you, the one girl I always sought. That I’ve dreamed about you, thought about you, wanted to make you smile and I hope you feel the same. I’ve pictured me kissing you too, and now that we’re finally together, I realize there’s no one I’d rather be with but you, my one and only boo.

Written by Deeds10
Submitted by Deeds10


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