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Jlynn

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It pisses me off - and I am so sick of it: that the people who care the least have the most control over the lives of so many others.








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Shouldn't be this hard - losing you - what the hell does everyone else in the world who has ever lost somebody do? Should be able to get on - do the things I want to do... since I'm still here I should at least live... and breathe... not be caught up in all these emotions. Could share what I'm feeling with someone... but who? And why? Why would I share something that makes me feel so ashamed? Overwhelming thoughts of taking my own life - makes me angrier when it truly doesn't seem like anybody cares - nobody gives a shit. Before... when I had these overwhelming feelings I could talk myself out of it... eventually - because I had things and people to live for. But everything I was living for has been taken away... or doesn't know that they are the only thing keeping me from taking my life in a fucking fit of insanity. So fucking stupid because honestly my life isn't that bad - just feeling fucking lonely and nobody cares! Nobody realizes that it is harder to stay in control every day that I put this mask with a smile painted on. Nobody knows about this war within me - don't know how bad it is or how long it's been all-consuming.

, , ,

So grateful that no matter how hateful of the world I am that you always have my hand. Always try to help me see - all the good things, the little things... and all the potential-ity. More than nice to know that I have a loyal friend to help me ward off my demons... real, imagined... new, and old. Nice to know that no matter how many demons I allow to take control - you still somehow see the good - no matter how small it may be - a flicker of hope... within me. Feel ashamed though. That I should somehow be better able to fight off these demons and win - why does it seem that I am among the few chosen to face them?? Maybe if I'd learn to just let go.. to just let it be... then perhaps I wouldn't feel so violently out of control. Wouldn't have to keep you always on your toes. Regardless of the battles left and the memories of battles past... or more accurately - because of them, I've realized that I have a truely amazing friend.






Written primarily for my Mother, but also for my other true friends.

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Stand out in a crowd, turn on the news, or listen to the stories of those around you. Experts have analyzed and the discussion, the explanations go on and on - but there is no excuse. No excuse for the monsters we have become - chasing that dollar and competing to be on top. What happened to enjoying the everyday simple things of life? Disheartening that we've lost focus of our morals, of our values... lost sight so much that we fight to protect things that we shouldn't have to be concerned about - like locking our house and keeping our children from going to the park or riding their bike... even in front of their own home. Quite disgusting. No longer talk to our neighbors or wave when we pass a stranger. No more "innocent until proven guilty" as we all look at one another with accusing eyes - asking the question "what sins are you guilty of?" Angry voices scream in your head not to trust anybody as visions of every wrong doing anybody has ever done flash through your head. Where did it all start? The unnecessary brutality, the theft... the destruction? The lies and the deceit? When will it end? Sadly the answer is that it will never end and this is only the beginning - because we "the higher... the greater species" have burnt our bridges and only now while we untrustingly stare at each other - having no alliances we faintly realize that we have destroyed all the goodness in mankind... and all the goodness in the world by our selfish and inconsiderate endeavors.

Devastating –

The power

In you…

If only you knew

Star light

Star bright

Where are you tonight?

Not here

Not with me

Not anywhere…

Within reach.

I lie here

Lookin’ up to heaven

And hopelessly wishing

That fate could rewind

And edit life

To my liking.

Sadly, I know

That life is not

Something that can

Be redid or undone –

Nonetheless

I pray and wish still.




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They say that time heals the pain -
Perhaps for them, they moved on -
But I, I have not yet even started
Down the road of recovery...
Of healing, of dealing -
What a sad, depressing hand of fate.
I know my faults
I know that I am still struggling
Through...
Through all of this.
And I know that it isn't
Just a matter of fate -
But of decisions
And state of minds.
Argue with myself...
Fight myself...
Everyday -
To lift myself out
Of this self-made hell of solitude...
But the world -
The world out there,
Is so dark and cold -
Nothing to hold on to -
Nothing to chase away the pain -
What the hell -
This argument doesn't even make sense -
Just some way to convince myself
To continue living in my self-made solitude -
To continue enduring the lonliness
To continue not living my life
And doing all the things I want to
To see all the things I want to see
To experience all that life has to offer -
And I try -
Maybe just not hard enough
When I make an attempt -
A raging, overwhelming fit of fear
Overcomes any hopes of trying -
So here I am -
Continuing on in my solitude.

,

In every trade, barter, or exchange - keep in mind what the other party has to gain.







Author - unknown

Waiting for you to call - every ring that doesn't reveal your voice at the other end of the line shows me how little you care. it would be nice for just one... for just one person to be there. Used to get comfort from being in someone's arms - anyone really, it didn't matter. Just wanted to feel something - feel like someone deeply and truly cared about me. Everyday I'm faced with the realization that no one really cares - we are all out here just pretending in hopes of gaining something. Usually some materialistic, irrelevant thing. Knowing this, among all the things I think I know - strong, warm arms and a passionate kiss are no longer fully satisfying... Want something more, thrive on having something more. Whatever "more" is - I'm not sure. I do however, know that occassionally I see a flicker of the endless possibilities of what that "more" might be.. I see it in someone and start pondering - maybe they are the one. Come to find out... after pouring my heart out - that that someone doesn't even slightly feel the same way. So here we are - another night in a stranger's arms - wondering if there is some amazing person out there who is thinking about you... deathly afraid of the truth. Again, this came from multiple inspirations. One, the fact that many people, myself included fall hard and fast and that contributes to more than our fair share of heart aches. Secondly, isn't it amazing how other people can make us feel so safe and happy - and we can do the same for others, but it seems that rarely can we do this for ourselves. The third inspiration is exactly as the last line states - wondering if someone thinks about us. Another food for thought is how our mood can change our outlook on life or change the lens in which we look at the world through.. for example, there are many people that care about us, but if the one person we want most to care doesn't, it can make us feel that nobody cares. (there are better examples to explain that concept, but I'll leave it alone) The last inspiration is for us to have the tendency to put off calling or telling others how we truly feel - for whatever reason and ultimately that just results in us missing out on some extraordinary opportunites.

Caitlin and WIll's Address in the Stars Verse 1: I stumbled across your picture today I could barely breath The moment stopped me cold, Grabbed me like a thief. I dialed your number, but you wouldn't be there I knew the whole time, but it's still not fair I just wanted to hear your voice, I just needed to hear your voice. Chorus: What do I do with all I need to say So much I wanna tell you everday Oh it breaks my heart, I cry these tears in the dark I write these letters to you, But they get lost in the blue, 'Cause there's no address in the stars. Verse 2: Now I'm drivin' Through the pitch black dark I'm screaming at the sky Oh cause it hurts so bad Everybody tells me Oh all I need is time Then the mornin' rolls in And it hits me again And that aint nothin' but a lie. Chorus: What do I do with all I need to say So much I wanna tell you everday Oh it breaks my heart, I cry these tears in the dark I write these letters to you, But they get lost in the blue, 'Cause there's no address in the stars. Verse 3: Without you here with me, I don't know what to do. I'd give anything Just to talk to you Oh it breaks my heart, Oh it breaks my heart, But all I can do Is write these letters to you, But there's no address in the stars.

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Thought I caught a glimpse of my own strength today -
and suprisingly it seems -
It is somehow intertwinded with another.
How is it that we are so dependent on each other -
That we run to someone else to shoulder our burdens or pains.
Why can we not enjoy the little things -
without being in the company of another.
Somehow it seems that the sunsets
Are ten times better in good company.
How come life isn't that great...
If you are lonely?
Theoredically, being alone in some ways is ideal...
Never have to worry about disappointing anyone,
And they'll never disappoint you.
Never have to worry about them dying -
Or otherwise leaving you.
But as a little voice wisely said,
The wall we build to keep out the pain...
Also keeps out the happiness... the love... and the joy -
Besides, rain isn't all that bad -
Because in order to see the rainbow,
You must first endure the rain.
Even so, I have a feeling that that rainbow
Probably won't be nearly as beautiful
Without someone to share in its wonder.



Why does it seem that we as humans have the tendency to need others to validate our existence and everything beautiful in life? Why is it difficult to enjoy these things without them reminding us that we are alone?

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Just for today, I will live through this day only. I will not brood about yesterday or obsess about tomorrow. I will not set far-reaching goals or try to overcome all of my problems at once. I know that I can do something for 24 hours that would overwhelm me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime. Just for today, I will be happy. I will not dwell on thoughts that depress me. If my mind fills with clouds, I will chase them away. Just for today, I will accept what is. I will face reality. I will correct those things I can correct and accept those I cannot. Just for today, I will improve my mind. I will read something that requires effort, thought, and concentration. I will not be a mental loafer. Just for today, I will make a conscious effort to be agreeable. I will be kind and courteous to those who cross my path. I'll improve my appearance, speak softly and not interrupt when someone else is talking. Just for today, I'll refrain from improving anybody except myself. Just for today, I will do something positive to improve my health. If I'm a smoker, I'll quit. If I'm overweight, I'll eat healthily. If only for today. And just for today, I'll get off the couch and take a brisk walk, even if it's only around the block. Just for today, I will gather the courage to do what is right, and take responsibility for my own actions. I will do all of this, if only just for today. -- Author Unknown

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Even in the face of adversity, we always have positive events that touch our lives.

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