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shelbybug

I'm a really outgoing girl! I love to hang with my friends and do what i really think is best for me? But at the same time dont think what is going to happen after i do it!
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i just dont know what to do anymore
i want to give up and just end the pain
but i feel like i cant because of my family
and friends.. Why do i care.. and i just dont know what
to do.. because i pray that i have the nerve to press down harder
i dont know why i dont i dont want to be in this world anymore but
my family keeps me here!

#bout

Shouldn't be this hard - losing you - what the hell does everyone else in the world who has ever lost somebody do? Should be able to get on - do the things I want to do... since I'm still here I should at least live... and breathe... not be caught up in all these emotions. Could share what I'm feeling with someone... but who? And why? Why would I share something that makes me feel so ashamed? Overwhelming thoughts of taking my own life - makes me angrier when it truly doesn't seem like anybody cares - nobody gives a shit. Before... when I had these overwhelming feelings I could talk myself out of it... eventually - because I had things and people to live for. But everything I was living for has been taken away... or doesn't know that they are the only thing keeping me from taking my life in a fucking fit of insanity. So fucking stupid because honestly my life isn't that bad - just feeling fucking lonely and nobody cares! Nobody realizes that it is harder to stay in control every day that I put this mask with a smile painted on. Nobody knows about this war within me - don't know how bad it is or how long it's been all-consuming

#hurting, #inside

When I was young and still learning
Though I’m still learning today
I never knew about being blue
Until the world turned cloudy and grey

I’ve spent most of my life dreaming
About things that could never be
Guess that’s the way it’s always been
The whole world seemed blue to me

People keep telling me something
You have to find your own happiness
But whatever I do I’ve always been blue
Except for the moments I’m here with you

All of the roads my life’s taken
Always seemed to lead to dead ends
It’s hard when a heart only knows breakin’
Without someone to care, it never mends

Something is on my mind lately
I notice the stars in the sky
Lately I’m feeling happy
Now suddenly I think I know why

People keep telling me something
You have to find your own happiness
But whatever I do I’ve always been blue
Except for the moments that I’m here with you

Whatever I do I’ve always been blue
Except for the moments that I’m here with you

#did, #learn!

It was my secret, my hearts surprise,
But i can't help it hen i look into your eyes.
I don't understan how this can be...
These feelings aren't supposed to happen to me.

I'm falling too hard, too fast,
I guess i didn't learn from my past.
It happened before,
I'm not supposed to love anymore.

But when I'm with you time stands still,
It seems like no one else is around.
My heart is screaming your name,
With every beat, every pound.

Once again my heart is controllling my brain,
And when I'm not with you i go insane.
It all seems too good to be true,
But i don't care... I'm falling for you

#falling

I pushed you away when I needed you most,
I know all you did was care, and all I could do was cause you hurt,
I just didn't know what to do, or know where to go,
I was in such a mess, I was out of control,
I didn't want anyone to see me this way.
I remember the day I got the news that brought me to my knees,
The doctor called me into his room and told me I had the big C,
I had my head in my hands, my life was shattered,
I didn't know where to turn, I felt all alone,
I kept it to myself and I thought I could handle it on my own.
All I did was hurt you, I know all you wanted to do was help,
Every day you lifted me up with all your beautiful texts,
I ignored your calls,I caused you pain, and still you showed you care,
I just wish I could turn back the time, and let you know, I know you are there.
I went to the Hospital and they told me what's going to happen,
I thought I would be leaving with one bollock missing,
But all that I needed was to remove a tiny lump, they said it was an easy thing.
After some medication, some keymo too, I was feeling down and out,
Every night i went to sleep i was wondering if i'd ever wake up,
I knew you are always there, I knew you always cared,
Just  the way I was feeling, and the thoughts that were in  my head,
I didn't want to know anymore, I just wish that I was dead.
I was so depressed, I was past being scared, I didn't have much to live for,
Even though I knew you were always there, all I could do was hurt you.
I regret the way I treated you, I know it wasn't something you deserved,
I know I made your life so bad, Even telling you that we were finished.
I remember that day I called you and I told you it was over,
That was the biggest mistake I ever made, it hurt more than the bloody Cancer.
I called you back that night, and told you how I felt, and with all the tears and hurt I caused,
I asked you back, and thank god! Yes was your answer.
I will never forget the way I treated you, I will never forgive myself for that ever,
But one thing is for sure, my love for you will be forever.
You brought me out of my depression, you give me a reason to live,
I just wish I treated you better, because I know I have a lot of love to give

#never, #left

I love the feel you make me feel.
The way you hold me lets me know its real.
The way that you hold me down.
Lets me know your always going to be around.

I love the way you make my heart beat fast.
Your my first love and my last.
Me and you will always be.
You have grown to be about me.

I love the way you hold me tight.
Tell me you love me in the morning light.
Kisses and hugs and off to work you go.
Thinking of me, cause you let me know.

I love the way you stick by my side.
Saying I love you, and this you remind.
You remind me that your not going away.
To get over my jealiousness, cause your hear to stay.

I love the way you get mad and tell me how you feel inside.
It tells me that you love me and have nothing to hide.
Im sorry for how I act on some days, I know I get crazy.
But you have to understand, cause your my baby.

I love the way your there when I need someone to hold.
I reach out my arms, for me to be told.
"Baby I love you and want no one but you."
An my reply is I love and want to be with you too.

Baby I want you to know that my feelings are from the heart.
An whatever happens,we will never be apart.
For your my one an only sent from above.
And the way you make me feel I absoulatly love.

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shelbybug
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