Melodyharmony

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i am a cutter i have been for 10 years and i dont know if i want to stop... but i love to write i am nice and sweet person.. and kinda funny lol
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Sometimes I can still smell him on me, I can feel him breathing on me. He is in my nightmares, sometimes I feel like he is watching me but he isnt. I want the memories to fade away like my scars. Part of me wonders how I could have someone like Daniel I'm DAMAGED goods. I was broken before the rape. I think what Fucked me up was I was molested my a girl (yes a girl). Every summer I went to my grandmas house NO ONE KNEW OR EVEN KNOWS!! Shit I blocked it out for a long time then the rape happened and it was like everthing hit me all at once. I dont know how to deal with it, I kinda felt weird and gross, I thought back then it was normal, So from then on until I was about 11 or 12yrs I thought it ment I was gay! And I have kissed other girls when i was younger. Now that I look back I regret everything I wish I could take everything back and i wish i would of said something sooner. No one knows how much i hate my self for the things that happened. I hope one day I can forgive my self.





And I have nothing against homosexual people, I just know that I am not a Homosexual but to me i just thought it was kinda weird to be touched like that by a girl.. I hope you all know i have nothing against them! they are just like me and you!!

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Sometimes I hate that i dont see my self as others
see me! I cant see how pretty and smart and nice
and everything. I dont know whats wrong with me!
My husband doesnt like it he wants me to see how
beautiful i am but all i can see are my scars.
what should i do!!

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I Am very much in love with my husband! I dont know what i would do without him! he is my morning and night he is my everything!! So why do i still think about him! I should be over this its been a year since that night!! I guess I will never forget that night!! It has made me stronger but also scared!! and i have a hard time sleeping!! I just have a hard time with it some days because I still see them. I was raped by 3 guys at a party!! i dont know i'm having a really hard time!!! :(

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I dont know why I still think about him. I thought I was done with him. I also thought I was over him! I hate that I still think about him!!! I hate that part of me still wants him. It kills me. I hate that I still have these memories about him!! Especially since I have someone that loves me and I love him and he wants me and I want him and he is will to do anything for me and i will do anything for him!! I am sick of thinking about him. Its killing me inside Whats wrong with me!! I wonder if he really even cared about me or even loved me!! Or did I give him what he wanted and that was it or when he promised forever was he lying he must have. did he ever think how it would affect me and other relationship i have I have a hard time trusting now bc i gave him everything!! but now I have someone that I LOVE VERY MUCH BUT STILL DONT KNOW!!!

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I dont know what to do!!!
A year ago I was raped and i am trying to deal with everything
and also not having my husband here just sucks he is away
and dealing with this is the hardest thing ever not having his
support!! I just want to go back to how I use to deal with things
I want to go back to cutting but I dont know!! I know I shouldnt
but i under to so bad!!! Just to go back to cutting!!!

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I dont know what to do anymore
part of me is missing
because the one i love is not here
with me, he is in Afghanistan!!
this is killing me and he wont be
back till April! what am i to do
I sadly have cut and i feel so bad
but part of me wants more of that blade
and i dont know why?? I am so happy with him
and i love him more than anything!! and I pray
god doesnt take him away!! But part of me is wondering why
i still want to cut if i am so happy because when i am with him i
dont think about cutting and when i know he is ok i dont think
about it!! but urg i just hate this

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I hide how I really feel behind
these eyes so you will never know
how depressed I really am. So
I finally took that blade for the
last time and as I was in the
bathtub I took that cold razor
and I slid it against my wrist one
last time!! As I watch the blood flow
out of my wrist.. I feel tired now
Things are getting blury!! Then I
hear my mom pounding on the
door crying.. as if she knew what
her daughter was going to do.
So now that I am gone
I wonder if everyone is happier
without me!!! umm I wonder!!!

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I am scared because my mind is going back
to how it use to think.. I think about
Cutting all the time now. Now that he is gone
My boyfriend left for Afghanistan, I feel so alone
and now i am not living with my mom I am living with my
best friend! I dont know what to do anymore.. I feel like the old me
is slowly coming back and i dont know if i can resist the call
of the blade!! HELP!! What do i do??? I see my self sliping back to
my old ways!!!

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He looked her in the eyes
and said 'i love you" she
looked at him not knowing what to
say to him but all she could
do was look the other way
he asked her "don't you love me"
she looks at him and says "i dont know
if i can say those words yet."
he looked at her and got up and said
"damn it! I love you and you dont know
if you can say i love you back why?"
she felt so horriable but she took
a big breath and said "my heart is
still broken and i dont know if i am
ready to say i love you, I really really
like you and care about you and
maybe i can say i love you soon but right
now i cant." he looked at her and he
fell more in love with her

,

As I lie here you picked me up
when I was really down
you cheered me up when all
I wanted to do was cry. You saved me.
You helped me you told me those words to save me.

How could I push you away but you stayed
All I can do is thank you. Because you saved me
You helped me, you told me the words to save me

How could I think you where going to be
like him but you told me I am not scared
I want to believe you but somehow
I believe you.

Because you saved me, you helped me,
you told me the words to save me

So I smile all the time
but I am scared, But you
told me you werent scared
how do I get rid of the fear.

But somehow you saved me, you
helped me, you told me the words to save me

You tell me what I want to hear but is it true
Yes, it is because you saved me, you helped me you told
me the words to save me.

How can I push you away
when all I want is you to hold me and tell me
those words I am not scared because you
saved me, you told me the words to save me

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I might lose my best friend because
of his girlfriend!!!! and he got
jealous after i got with my boyfriend
I dont understand it. he had his chance
why is jealous of my boyfriend!!! HELP
I am not pregnant thank goodness!!

,

I just forgave my ex for everything he did.
and now i have an amazing boyfriend!
and Now i think i might be pregnant
and am kinda scared! and idk what to do
and my boyfriend is leaving for Afghaniastan tonight
and he doesnt know... what to do.. i still kinda have thoughts
of suicide, and how can i raise a child!!! HELP

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