First of all Hi everyone!
I have always keept this too me, and if I told someone what I'm about to write it was piece of things.
I am a 18 years old guy, 2 days to be 19. I never had a girlfriend and I never kissed a girl, and it's not because I'm shy (although I am a lot).
All my life I've been seeking someone special, even though I'm a guy who easily falls in love.
I just had 3 to 4 girls that made my romantic life until now.
At age of 16 I met a girl by hi5 (I was scrolling through profiles and I stopped on her), what most caught my eye was not only because she was pretty but because she had certain interests and like certain things that was equal to me. When I first started to talk to her (by MSN) she had just been left by her boyfriend and so I started ease that pain. She gained trust in me and our friendship started to bloom then a while later I said that I liked her but she only replied that she also liked me like 3 months after and we started a virtual relationship. She made me feel special... we spent hours and hours talking, since 8 a.m. unitl 3 a.m. I spent more than 300€ in text messages in one single month (after that I bought one phonecard that had free sms, I had to). Some few months after she started to talk less and less to me and eventualy stopped, and I messaged her, e-mailed... when she replied to me she said she came back to his ex-boyfriend. My heart was broken by the first time, my mood stood way down for months, but one day she messaged me (I don't have any enemy and I don't hold any grudge agains anyone). And somehow we started our virtual relationship again, this time I went to met her, the day we passed together was perfect to me, even without a kiss or anything it was perfect, the little things made it so (there wasn't a kiss maybe because I looked away when she was piercing my eyes with her eyes). But again, some months after the same thing happened, this time it was a new boyfriend but only lasted some weeks, and after that she came back to me, and yet again we restarted our so-called relationship to yet again she leave to another guy. But after that we only became friends and nothing else. It took 2 years to heal that wound.
I felt like I was only good as a substitute until she gets a new boyfriend. Now that I am at the university we meet almost every week. By the way she told me that we were only friends.
2 Days after I made 18 years I was in a mood to meet someone new, and I had someone at my MSN that I didn't knew, so I started to talk, she was a girl.
The way we started to talk was something different, it was like we already knew each other. We fast became good friends.
I was trying not to like her more than a friend but she started to say things and then end a conversation with an "I like you" and after that an "I adore you". As I said before I fall very fast, I already liked her but was trying to believe I don't, and so a weird relationship started. We were trying to be just friends and at the same time more than that, but when half a year passed she started to stop talking to me, not repling to my answers or nothing. This time she didn't left to a boyfriend, she stopped talking with me because she was feeling that was starting to get too close to me, that was what she said.
Now we are just friends.
Now another girl. This time is something very recently. I met this girl like 5 months ago or less (when the school started), she is in my college and same course (Biology). At first we were only 3 good friends, me, my rommate and her (my roommate had something with her one night while they where a little drunk), she even comes to sleep in our room. She is very nice, cute, funny and so on. I never really thought I was gonna like her more than a good friend, but some weeks ago, maybe 2 weeks ago we went to a club, it was crowded, we could barely move. I was gonna leave and let her and my roommate there, but she told me to stay, when I was gonna leave I got up my chair and she came to me trying to convince me to stay and try to dance (I never danced before at public) and so I was there trying to feel the rhythm, and after going to find someone we started to "dance" with each other and she was holding one of my hands because they were cold, them she hold my other one and suddenly she hugged me, my arms seemed to move alone and hugged her, I didn't felt that good in a long time, I don't remember of feeling that good. After that day we started to eat together, talk a lot, tell our problems to each other, tell our dreams and so on. Then I had to go my real home that stays 3 hours distance by train. We continued to talk by text messages. With her I felt good and accompained. But when I came back the time I saw her my mood went real down. I forgot to tell that she has a boyfriend that she seems to love and even so almost every guy likes her. She noticed that and when she was at her home she started to ask me questions and I was avoiding them, the next day I avoid her, didn't talk much, left my room when she was there. And agains the questions came, and she asked me if I liked her, even I didn't answear she found out. We continue to be just friends...
After this experiencies I think I am good only for friendship and nothing more. People trust me, I'm more open with female friends that male, but even so I can't get more than just a friendship. I have no enemis and I have lots of friends.
Girls tend to like talking to me and saying I'm special... special about what? If all this make me be special I prefer to be an ordinary guy with no feelings, but I can't, I tried but I can't hurt others.
I never had a girlfriend because I don't want just any girl. I never kissed anyone because I want my first kiss to be special with a special one.
I will be 19 years old soon, and for 19 years I never had a girlfriend never kissed anyone. It's not the fact of never having a girlfriend or not kissed for the first time that makes me feel bad, it's because I was never loved and love in return.
Thanks to those who read till the end and to those who didn't sorry for the long story.
#love, #stories, #lonely, #loneliness, #pain, #alone