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I am very sensitive to everything.....very emotional,Just trying to except life in itself.

There is life in a man, but when he takes a life does he not drain his own? Whan a man plays GOD he becomes a monster. So you lock him up but soon the set him free, but what hapens to the monster? That man has to control the monster, cage a beast that is uncageable. I fight a losing battle everyday so far I have won, but how long do I have before I lose? How long before the beast can break free? Never have I lost a good fight,the original AMERICAN BAD ASS,but the beast is to much someday I may lose control, this is a fight I can't lose becaue if I do I lose myself. I lose the woman that I love I lose the children I love and the monster takes control. I can't lose this battle 7 years for the poeple I hurt was enough by the Gods all I ask is to be free, for those who were victims you did me wrong I stood for what I believe in and ytou got what you deserved, you took from me , so I took from you only I took blood. Who was wrong you or me?

, , ,

Ok~ today is the day were I am going to wake up and realize that this is the way my life is supose to be...Not going to try to be anything else but me and only me..I am not gonna change for anyone ...U say I think negitive ..well I think that way because of you ...and all the others..well  I am not going to be your 1 St choice or  last choice....I am not even gonna give you a choice anymore.. I am tired of being your fear of having no love are so full of hate and negitive things,,I will never be perfect enough for you ...and I will never be right for you either...I changed and tried to be the person you wanted me to be ...but I guess that isn't gonna work for you anymore....cause it don't work for me anymore ...when you wake up every morning alone or with a stranger next to you the only person you can blame is yourself...Cause I thought I knew you and very well thought that I was gonna love you for the rest of my life... but I thought wrong one that day you broke my heart trust and my mind....thought I was helpless without you thought I couldn't breathe ...well guess what I am over all that bull shit now....I am tired of being that someone you walk on and wipe your feet on....And I thought I was just being there for you when I was really getting used....I am starting to think you are pathetic and someone who defently doesn't deserve someone like me ...cause I am worth everythign to my children and I ..

I guess you know love is real when you can't breathe without them ....u have to speak to them everyday ...see them everyother day if not more........... but no I can't breathe at all sence he left me..Is this real....can this happen ...I don't feel alive anymore ....what did he do to me to make me not breathe...I love him so much I can't breathe.....with or without him...

There is no bigger fear to me that......the love I have for him is gone....and to blame is him .........that scares the shit out of cause I know deep inside I can't live without him near.....

I'm going to act like nothings wrong,..Talk like everythings perfect,act like its all a dream an pretend its not hurting me......

  • I was standing in the bedroom when you came home. I had blood on my hands but maybe you din't know?.My mascara was streaming down my face along with the tears.Thick an blackened just like the years.You idn't ask ? Di you care ? You accually smiled to my empty stare.  A gun to my head tangled up in my hair...Did you thinkl I was stupid,missing the freedom I lost?/I needed you more than I needed my life..    Di you think you coul walk out and not pay the cost??//     I conte the steps to the kitchen to get a knife ... I walked the floor played with the trigger.... Would you ever return??     That is what I figured  ... I stood in the doorway a cord as my noose...wondering if I could o it or would I make an excuse???  Too bad I'm not selfish too bad I can't die.....I can't leave you alone Can't answer why    You don't even notice I'm here    Your a breokes record to me ...I don't know what life is aboput but this isn't where I should be... I could leave in the night like the sun an disappear.... But I.....   don't wanna fade but I don't wanna be here.... I WANNA BE LOVED,NOT USED.....want to be needed ,...NOt abused...I'm tired of being the cure to your fear of having no love...I wanna be the addiction something you can't get enough of... Can't you see I'm not the one .... Can't you set me free ... why can't you say goodbye.... Why can't you let me free  ?   .... WHY can't you leave me be...instead you trapped me   ..... you give me no space /...I hate you so much!!!! .....I don't wanna see your face!!! Why do you conemn me to death,and torture me like a witch......Why don't you just burn me at the stake !!Don't make me live with this... I can't take it any longer,......My breathe is going thin    You wanna take me down an I know your gonna win...........................

Here comes the time again .... were I sit an wonder who's to blame for the hurt I have ........Him for doing it or for me sticking around dealing with it each passing day...the hurt an pain grows everyday that I just deal with it as I sit and wonder the pain grows deeper and deeper into my soul ....each day My heart tell someone you love them but then you hurt them at the same time...does love supose to hurt? The feelings I have for him are so deep there is no word to discribe it.....but why does he hurt me an lie to me when I know the truth....It is unclear to him that I know ...but yet I can't confront him with and arguement waiting to happen.....Honesty and trust Is the biggest part of me and he takes that forgranted..I would never do anything to hurt him why does he hurt me with this lie??

D~Day   At the blink of an eye,Our world cold turn cold, Solid blocks of fridged cubes passing through our empty hearts....In a flash our lives could turn left ,,when you should have turned right, then you may have survive! Life is tenporary ....time is borrowed......never given....... 

These are the night of girls and fireflies as I stood upon the bridge Between pure childhood an adolescence I'd chose them both and still catch nothing...

  • She's been there before. Being the last to know,the first to be left,The last he would come back too. Never realizing she was only second best!She'd  always woner is he breaking up with her today?Thats the price you pay for being second best.She cries in despair an in hopes that her broken heart will mend/In hopes of never being second best again.


If only you knew,
how my heart overflows with love for you.
If only you could see
the way you fill my hopes and dreams.
You're the owner of my heart,
the ruler supreme.
Even in the dark of night,
I've only to think about you
to feel your loving light
and from this world I drift
feeling as if
I'll never touch the ground again...
If only you knew.

If only you could guess
how I hear your voice when others speak;
for you hold the key to my happiness,
and it's always you my soul seeks.
If only you could feel,
how your very presence
has the power to heal,
all the wounds inside me.
You've made me abandon
the pain of yesterday,
and you've shown me
that the past can no longer
stand in the way
of what I hope to achieve...
If only you knew.


If only you could realize
the way you've shown me
that it's better to give
than to take,
and whatever I do,
I do for your sake.
I'm willing to give you my all
and expect nothing in return.
But, oh how I yearn
for you...
if only you knew.




I love him it just seems like our love just left. Never to return. We went from everything to nothing but silence. I have never felt so disconnected in my life . He was my world now it seems like we are two worlds apart.  I couldn't have loved anyone more than him. My question of the day is coould love just get up and walk ot the door without knowing or saying anything?

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