pink_sj

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im 21 i have a 3 yr old daughter,i write most days i feel i have lots to write about,i write of anger alot and abuse i have been beaten,raped and treated very badly in life.i lost a child so i feel alot of anger and resentment i feel alot of sadness..so thats were it comes from,i dont want people to feel sorry for me i just want people to understand why i write what i do!but i hope one day to turn all of this into something positive!!
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There is a great deal of depression that has overtaken my soul,
It floods deep within, into every inch that makes me whole.
I wonder and worry of thought throughout the day,
What is to come, to my dismay.
As a flood of tears pour out of me in all my expressions,
more and more comes, more and more depression.

I assure myself everything is ok!
But who am I fooling?
Then I burst into a spirit of rage.
I have questions, and there are answers.
But I'm afraid and much too weak,
When I try to explain,
I hear I'm hearing wrong and need to be meek.
But this is how I feel, there's no wrong or right,
But as I battle with myself, I always lose the fight.

I feel intimidated sometimes by others,
But as I said "This is how I feel"
The pain in me is very real.
I lose control, my thought go wild,
and here I am only a child.
If only you knew what I thought,
If only you knew what I fought.
I need my thoughts held captive

She is lonely
Even though you can't tell
She is reaching out
For what, she doesn't know
She will continue to sit in silence
And hope that someone may stumble across
Her and all of her emptiness
But they only hope that they do it in time
Otherwise she will have drifted too far
And she may let go
Of whatever grasp of the world she has
As she slowly fades out of the lives of everyone
Nearly unnoticed.

,

looking back on the time and the place
seing that childs innocent face
knowing that things are,nt as they appear
for inside she cries silent tears
deep inside she is filled with pain
she feels dirty and full of shame
innocence lost at a very young age
locked this child in a pain filled cage
there is no freedon or escape
from the fact that this child was raped
while the guilty man is roaming free
this child is sentenced to eternity

eternity locked away with all this shame
she cant help but she feel she was to blame
even though common sence says it was not her fault
she cant seem to help having these thoughts
what if,s keep running through her mind
she keeps going back to these moments in time
is ther nothing she could have done??
why didnt she scream or at least try to run.
fear kept her frozen to the spot
while this grown man did what he should not

shame and fear made her keep the silence
kept her from telling anyone about the violence
the thing that is shocking beyound belief
is that this child can never get any relief
now she is in a prison with no gate
this man.....he sealed her fate

,

even though i seem quit and shy
i have the strength inside of me to say goodbye

i found a friend had always been a lie
i was heartbroken but i realise
i had the stength to say goodbye

even though somebody precious to me has died
although my heart is stilll crying,give me time
i will have the stength to say goodbye

when my soul is lost and i want to cry
over time i shall heal
for i know that i still have the strength inside me to say goodbye

i was just looking at my profile its been exactly a year today i signed up on here...i guess this is just a note to myself really.
when i first signed up i was in a bad place..i had to come away from hear 4 a while it made me sadder when i looged on and saw how bad things felt wen written in back on white you see everything on my profiles true..there not just poems there storys of my life,of how things were things are not better for me just yet but at least now i know i have strengh..i got threw this year..1 of the toughest yet,the abuse,losing my child,making the worst desisions i have ever made..i can learn now i guess i can grow,im gratefull im stilll hear and surprised i thought i was gonna kill myself at 1 point i thought i wasnt strong enough deep down im proud of myself little by little i can rebuild my life all tho the bad things will never go away the pain will start to fade away i know im ready to give it anuva try

today felels to hard for me
as i sit and look at this screen,warm tears streaming down my cheeks..how can something warm come from a heart so cold?
today i feel the depression seeping back into me,everythings turned grey
i feel this immense burning in my chest it feels like its desperate to escape,it ripps open my throat disguised as a scream
i want to die so much right now,but i have to much to live for.

im scared i wont get through tonight

your out of my life
it hurt so much at first but now im alright

iv decided not to listen to your lies anymore,its over
its through,iv closed the door
so many times i let you play me for a fool.
at first you were a good person,but now your just cruel
you told me to wait and one day we would be together
but im moving on with my life..i cant wait forever.
hopefully one day youl find out it isnt nice to find the one you love
being with someone else each night
i must admit the times we spent together were great,
but now youve grown into something i can only hate!
 
goodbye richard,im giving up on us

silence builds an awfull wreckage of a girl
it feeds on lonliness and creates a void
grey shaddows haunt torment and torture
a teenager is stricken and destroyed

there is no sign of laughter or happiness here
this girl has thrown in the towel today
somber,moods decay her soul
it is futile to hope and dream and pray

emptiness builds a home in this women
in this girl,this child where hollows have bred
a deepening sea of nothingness,consumes
and eats away at every connecting thread

confusion feeds like a savage inside her
leaving nothing considerd worthy to remain
destined to walk through life less ordinary
alone,exiled,different and distained

, ,

leave me alone when im not at home
or if im busy and i dont answer my phone
if i dont want to be bothered or disturbed
continuous calls and texts,only makes me perturbed

"why didnt u call"is the message i hear
if i wanted to talk to you,i would have called dear
your vioce is annoying
your words are just dumb
you want to reach my heart,ummmm my feelings are numb

you speak loud,yet u say nothing,your words are empty and void
each minute that passes,im more deeply annoyed
you can`t reach me when you call?
cant u take a hint?
or a clue?if i didnt call you back its cuz i didnt want to talk to you!

just leave me alone,no mail message or phone
if not forwarded a number,then to you its unknown
smoke signals,hand gestures,signs on the wall
all saying just leave me alone
do not disturb
no more phone ringing boy you working on my last nerve

this lies become a part of me
for months iv played this game
acting like it doesnt hurt
each time i hear his name

ignoring whats inside of me
pretendind iv moved on
as if the feelings i once had
for him are somehow gone

spending each and everyday
with happiness and laughs
forgetting all our memories
avoiding photographs

but last night when i saw him
for the first time since he left
my heart stopped for a moment..
i couldnt catch my breath

when suddently it hit me
as the tears started to flow
that even after all this time...
i just cant let him go..

people always have this to say
that the distance between us will make my love drift away
if out of sight you have to stay
out of mind it will be fine one day

for me i know my love will never sway
no matter how many miles between us lay
without you near the days may be grey
but this love inside makes me feel ok.

love isnt always as flimsey as they portray
because when absence comes into play
my heart is simply growing stronger wiyhout delay
i know it does because i think of you everyday

emotional death
denial of a feelings breath
you left it to die!
care to re-try?
to aviod a stinging burning sensation
of deep emiotional cremation
blistering,painful membrane
withy no form of restrain
sizling your thoughts
 making you distraught
change your situation
or feel emoitional cremation

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pink_sj
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