Faire Hamm

name: crys, or mouse

hobbies: reading, writing, watching discovery channel, fawning over twilight, singing {{not at all good though XDD}}

pets: Baby, a gray and light brown calico cat. i used to have an iguana....

food: Ramen. Chinese. Veggies are YUM. XDD
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oh kay so here's what's going on:

1.) i fall for this boy 2 years ago
2.) he was cheating on me with his "baby's momma"
3.) "baby's momma" goes psycho b***h on me
4.) "baby's momma" apologizes after weeks {{after i broke up with him}}
5.) "baby's momma" and i become 'best' friends
6.) my actual best friend becomes best friends with her too
7.) everything's good for awhile
8.) "baby's momma" goes psycho on me again b/c i'm talking to my NOW ex.
9.) i wanted to be friends with everyone
10.) {{back to the present.. sorta... 2 years later}} same thing back and forth with my ex, steven and ashley "baby's momma"
11.) i go and have fun with steven, putt putting for the first time ever, i had a great time
12.) despite the fact that he was hitting on me the whole time!
13.) {{1 month later}} ashley calls me up, guilt tripping me over the putt putting
14.) i tell her i hate her
15.) she tells me that she never will be my friend again.
16.) i say, basically, the same thing
17.) my best friend, melinda, got upset b/c steven was telling EVERYONE that we made out and all this crap
18.) no one believes my side of the story
19.) melinda and i have been the best of friends since before kindergarten....
20.) so it's really hurting me that she sees their side instead of mine...
21.) this was about a few weeks ago to a month ago...
22.) melinda doesn't smile like she used to... i can't get her to
23.) she doesn't laugh either
24.) just last night... she told me to go over to a party her sister and brother-in-law was throwing... and ashley was there
25.) we had both agreed to be nice to one another... i'd do anything ANYTHING to make her happy
26.) i went even though i said that i didn't want to....
27.) she basically stuck by ashley the whole time.... shows where her alliance is placed....
28.) there's other times she's shown it too
29.) i also lost someone i'm STILL in love with about two or three months ago b/c of all that 'steven and ashley' crap
30.) i hate them both... not melinda
31.) but ashley doesn't deserve to go through the bull**** steven puts her through... i told her that last night too...
32.) i felt bad... guilty
33.) but now i just feel.... lonely... left alone... alienated.... lost... in need of some help; mentally
34.) i'm still friends with the one i fell in love with...
35.) and two nights ago... he was so close to me... but i got scared and pushed myself away from him....
36.) i wanted to cry b/c i did it w/o thinking... and it seemed to have hurt him...
37.) i wouldn't have been so scared.. if he didn't have Liz {{the one he cheated on me with}}
38.) yea, he cheated... but only b/c people like steven and ashley kept putting the image in his head that i was cheating on him!
39.) i love him. i love melinda.
40.) i hate both ashley and steven.... i feel pity for ashley...

HELP!!!




{{if none of this made sense to you... just message me... i'll tell you the whole story instead of the cliff-notes}}

#help, #please

Longing for a smile                                     
that would be sent my way                      
Longing for a laugh                                     
that I would hear every day                    
Longing for a voice                                     
that would make my heart dance          
Longing for a kiss;                                       
A chance at romance                                 
Longing for a touch                                     
that would make me soar                         
Longing for a look                                       
that would send shivers down my core 
Longing for a heartbreak                          
that would be love, so rare and true      
Longing for a love;                                      
A chance to be with you                            




"True Heartbreak is not when you love someone with everything you have, and then they leave you. True Heartbreak is when you love someone so much that you cannot contain it; It is when your heart bursts with love and joy." ~Crys Mouse

#love, #longing, #heartbreak

hun, i'm sorry to say that... if he doesn't accept you for who you are. no matter how much you love him. no matter how much you try to change for him. he'll always see you for that different person... the one he knows he cannot accept.

#acceptance, #love, #unreal

Don't

Don't tell me you love me

Don't tell me you need me

Don't tell me that you're lost without my love

Don't tell me that you want to, again, fly the clouds above

Don't tell me that you can't stand the thought of being alone

When you have someone who loves you and wants you for their own

Don't tell me that you want to hold my hands once more

When the gloves of deceit was all you wore

Don't tell me that you were confused

When I did nothing to be abused

Don't tell me that you long for my kiss

When you are already enduring sweet bliss

Don't tell me things I long to hear

Because all you'll do is shove me deeper into my fear

Don't tell me that you long for things

Because all you'll do is, once again, crush my wings

Don't tell me you want to fly away

Because I just might run from you today

Don't tell me you miss the good times

Because all I remember are those suicidal rhymes

Don't tell me that you care

When you weren't even there

Don't tell me that you'll dry my tears

Because I'll just succumb to darkness in the coming years

I said I loved you

But now I want to get away from this hell-hole

I said I was happy with you

But all happiness comes with a toll

So now I wait here in this pit of fear

Just waiting until my true love saves me from high tide

Maybe if they're brave enough to face the danger

They won't push me into the prison I have created inside

One can only hope

One can only grieve

But one has to learn to cope

And learn how to leave

Don't tell me you want me

Don't tell me you need me

Don't tell me you love me

Because you won't get me

#anger, #hurt, #frustration

Its way…

Darkness crawls its way to the heart

As it would across the sky

It becomes darker and darker

As the sun creeps on by

Loneliness makes its way to the soul

As a young girl cries

It becomes stronger and stronger

As her last love dies

Jealousy creeps its way into the body

As a loving couple say their vows

It becomes more frequent

As long as the body allows

Hatred seeps its way into the veins

As friends and family give a fake smile

It becomes angrier

As if they'd actually give a mile

Hope disintegrates slowly

As the heart, soul, and body give in

It becomes depleted and weaker

As everything cries out from within

Darkness crawls its way to the heart

As it would across the sky

It becomes darker and darker

As the sun creeps on by

#darkness, #truth, #love

We met in kindergarten
You came up to me on Valentine's Day
You gave me a card
I still laugh to this day
For inside was a Daisy
My favorite flower
And five simple words:
"Will you be my Valentine?"

Years went by
And we were inseperable
I started to fall for you...
But I never said anything
Only because it would make things between us...
Awkward.
I didn't want that...
So, I kept my feelings inside.

Then, you went and had girlfriend
After girlfriend...
And I smiled,
Day in and day out
To show you that I wasn't hurting;
That I was happy for you...

But girlfriend after girlfriend
Broke your heart...
And girlfriend after girlfriend
I was the best friend anyone could possibly have...

Then nine years later
From the day we met...
You came to my house....
Drunk.
I know you didn't mean what you did...
You were drunk...
You didn't know what you were doing...

You corrupted my soul that ugly morning...
You broke my heart in more than two places...
The shards falling and tearing at my spirit.

Then you went to the place we first met...
Drinking down that poison ....
I hated myself for letting you leave.
But I was far too scared to move...

You were the one I loved
With all my heart
And all my soul
Now you're gone...
No place I can go... in the living body
Of me.

I can't hold you.
I can't tell you that I loved you.
I can't tell you how I forgive you.
I can't kiss you.
I can't feel your cheek against mine.
I can't hear your laugh.

Not anymore...
My dreams try to show me
What it was like to be around you...
My heart beat with such rapid desire;
My body feeling your warmth;
My ears hearing your heartbeat.
But they all have faded with the years...

I'm sorry I keep thinking of you...
But you went too soon
... how could you?

#betrayal, #friendship, #love

Deadly Sin

Wake with a start
Look around fearfully
See that it is dark
Get up very carefully

Walk into the cold
Embrace the night air
Spin with arms out wide
Laugh as one becomes a pair

Sweet, sweet nectar of the shadows
Go to the one who loves you
Sweet, sweet care of torture
Covet the one who fears two

Commitment is not for all
Forced upon by one
Silence cries out hopefully
But is heard by none

Go back to bed, my sweet love
Close your eyes real tight
Dream of a shadow, forgotten
As fear engulfs the night

#shadow, #sin, #fear

"Soul Mates"

Here in the wild underbrush of Ferns
I weep for the one once lost...
No one can hear me,
And I like it that way...
The tear duct under my right eye bursts,
Blood starts to pour out instead of salty water.
I wipe away the crimson liquid with the sleeve of my shirt...
Stopping to notice, the blood seems to spread...
Over my arm, through my shirt...
Droplets cover the dead earth.
My finger reaches down;
The blood is still warm.
It draws a heart with a bloody trail;
Never leaving the ground.
A slight wind rustles the leaves above me...
I do not look up as someone asks,
"Are you enemies now?"
The voice was a deadly growl...
I lightly shake my head,
And reply with a voice so hurt, but so serene,
"No, worse. We're soul mates."
My laugh filled the silent air....

#blood, #tears, #soulmate

Deafening Silence

My heartbeat thumps against the inside of my skull
A million thoughts litter my brain
Each of them screaming at me to do different things
Debating with my conscience whether I should walk away
Or run after him
Neither side seems to be winning as my feet stay glued to the ground
Tears of frustration seep out of my eyes
Clouding over with confusion
A new voice in my head tell me to give up
Seek revenge on him later for making me hurt
My rapid breathing is the only sound penetrating this silence
The air around me is calm and still
While inside of me the battle rages on
Until he's gone
I have no other choice but to admit defeat
Standing there helplessly
Drowning myself in this deafening silence

#silence, #poem, #defeat

My Own Battle

I hate fighting battles,

Whether I know if I'll lose or win.

I hate that I forgive so easily.

(Forgiveness should be a sin XP!)

You hurt me...

I hated that, too...

But there's one thing I can't let go;

That one thing is you.

My heart says "take him back"

But my mind says "no"

I don't like fighting myself,

I don't think I ever had to do this before!

I look over at someone,

I like them and they like me, too...

But Stubbornly,

All I want is you.

My mind tells me

That I should give up on this,

My heart longs

For you and your once sweet kiss.

My heart longs

For what had been,

But my mind asks:

"How do you know he won't do it again?"

#confusion, #hurt, #love

This Day

It's so quiet on this beautiful day

The quietest I've ever heard

Except for the wind that whistles along its way;

Except for the soft chirping of a bird

Come and sit with me

And look at the cloudless sky

The field we're in is like the sea

With the bees swimming on by

The grass sways in the wind

like seaweed in water

With the largest field we're in

we shall never falter

And like the sun

creeping its way through time

We carry on

in this poem; in this rhyme

So, as the sun, in all its glory,

is covered in a blanket of colors

Tell me a story

to turn my fears into fascinating wonders.

"Come, sit with me

in this field of light

Until, it's gone from me

and it is engulfed with night.

Then, look at the sky

with all the stars

Go ahead and sigh.

Lay down, my love, in the field that is ours

Sleep, if you will

But don't sleep too late

For there is a dawn still

Just for you, as you wake

Dream of this day

and its quiet so true,

Dream of me to stay

Always and forever with you."

#day, #field, #love

Walking through some old thorns;

old, dead roses,

I see you there,

trapped.

I'm sorry for trapping you in my memories.

But I must keep you close.

You help me to keep going,

when things get rough on the outside.

The thorns suddenly grope your throat...

blood trickles down your neck.

I start to panic and grab at the thorns

... but the thorns seem to get tighter and tighter.

More blood slithers its way down your neck,

mine mixed with your's.

Yet, you don't seem to notice.

You just sit there,

looking at me with such innocent eyes.

I tug and pull,

but the thorns just get tighter still.

"let go!!" i scream.

"take me instead!" I cry out.

Nothing works.

Tears stream down my cheeks,

into the crook of my neck.

"Please!!"

My despair at losing you

is greater than anything that has torn me apart.

The thorns ease from your body...

I cry as your eyes seem to go dimmer...

and dimmer....

I hold you close,

"please, come back to me.... I love you!!"

My cry of despair was the last thing you heard.

If you heard it at all...

Now my heart is torn,

My soul...

Gone.

Because of me...

you are gone...

Because of me...

you are dead...

You are dead to me...

I never really wanted it....

but now my memories fade.

The thorns from the dead roses...

they are not mine...

my memories are a blur...

these are not my memories.

These are yours.

Your memories killed you...

it doesn't make sense.

But then I realize:

These are your memories,

so, I'm in your memories....

This is no nightmare of your's....

it is a dream...

Why would you want your memories to kill you?

Then, it hits me like ice cold water....

I shiver as I think,

I am your prisoner...

You are not mine....

I try to save you from the memories...

from your memories...

Only, it is I who needs saving....

...

...

I walk through more old thorns...

I see you sit there,

on such a smooth looking stone...

The thorns twitch as i walk closer to you....

I stop.

The thorns stop.

I move my foot slowly toward you.

The thorns move slowly toward you.

Then realization courses through my blood

with such harsh, cold swiftness...

my body became numb....

::This is my Hell::

Your eyes, that same innocent bliss filling them.

I long for your love;

your arms around me;

your lips against my own...

But I dare not go near you....

for my selfish desire will kill you...

the thorns are of my own making...

I made these thorns in your memories....

I look at you,

your eyes hold longing...

I almost go to you...

but I stop....

I cannot kill another...

I will refuse it...

so, I walk away.

My selfish desires grow thicker.

I will not kill you in your own memories....

...

...

...

I am so sorry for the silence between us.

I never meant for all that to happen.

I love you.

...

...

...

I am sorry for the confusion between us.

I did not want that to happen.

I am so sorry.

...

...

...

I am trapped in the silence of one.

I am trapped in the confusion of another.

I am trapped in two hells;

two deaths.

#memories, #trapped, #hurt

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Faire Hamm
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