I sit here in the bowels of my empty home, remembering, thinking of days gone past.  My heart feels like an empty barrell with only traces of its once existantance left.  Deep darkness abounds, and I fear it has taken my spirit captive for I no longer have feeling in it.  The wind blows and I can feel it kiss my cheeks, so I know I am alive but inside I am dead.

My childhood lives on inside me and my want of acceptance and love from my mother who has since left this world. I shall never hear her say, good job, I love you. My life has been in vain for time wasted searching for ways to be the perfect child so I could hear those glorious three words. A wish that is lost forever.

Love, what is it really? And why does it sustain us in this life. Without it we are not whole. We are mearly pawns being moved from one place to another hoping one day to be crowned a winner victorious. This love people speak of is something I have sought for many years. First from my parents and now that I am a woman, of one man who will accept me and love me for who I am. One who will love my free spirit and my stubborness. One to share my passion with. For years I have sought this and the only real love I have received was from forbidden fruits.

Love is not two people kissing. It is not the penetration of a sexual act. Real love is when two people behold each other in their presence and a connection is made. A look, a touch, a kiss, when they come together and their spirits collide and become one in passion so fierce nothing can break it. A river wild. Where nothing else in this world exists. To touch their face, to look deep into their soul thru the very windows we call eyes, to feel their breath on our lips.

I have sought love in many forms my whole life. All the things I have ever loved have been stripped from me. But I continue to search as if it is a rare pot of gold I seek. I fear I will die searching. I dare dream that one day I will find this love and forever be able to keep it.

And I pray with what little I have left inside me that one day my spirit will find wings and come back to me bearing my happiness and the true pure love I seek.