 | The first time I was in love, and possibly the last one, was 15 years ago and I still miss him. I wonder what became of him and if I was granted only one wish in this life, I'd ask for a chance to see him again. To tell him that I still love him after all these years, that I never stopped thinking about him, never forgot him, and if he was alone at this moment of his life, I'd be happy to be there for him.
It was in junior high, he was a year older and in a different class than me. The first time I caught sight of him, I still remember so vividly. It was during the break and when he walked by me, it was like an angel passing. I noticed him, and since then, whenever I saw him again, I felt shy, nervous, and happy, giddy with happiness just from looking at him, he was so beautiful. For a very long time, I wouldn't dare to speak to him (at the time, I just arrived with my parents to a new country, and wasn't very fluent in local language). The fear of being ridiculed was so painful!
I had a very good friend in my class, though, so I shared my feelings about this boy with her. I also tried to find out as much as I could about him, to get to know him better. Finally, I decided to act upon my feelings and so, I wrote "I love you, J..." on a piece of paper, and gathering the last of my courage, I walked up to him (he was hanging with a friend), pressed the note into his hand and walked away, in embarassment. I heard him run after me, whether to whether to tell me off, or hug me, I never had a chance to find out. If I had the life experience and attitude I have now, I would have stayed, for better or for worse, but I would have heard him out.
Unfortunately, there was also a series of events that unfolded shortly thereafter, that made it all only worse. I had some teenage troubles at home with my mom and had to spend some time with a foster family. They told me that the boy I was in love with, had some rather serious issues with his folks and was also under the care of the social workers. I really cared about him, so much that seeing him at school and knowing that he was unhappy was braking my heart and I would have done anything to help him. So once more, I managed to find what felt like the last of my courage and attempted to talk to him. He told me to leave him alone. Only now, with age, I realize, it must have been a very personal, sensitive issue for him, and bringing it out wasn't the smartest move to make. But I was young, stupid, and very much in love. When I got home from school that day, I remember just braking down and crying myself asleep. In my life, I never cried so hard again. When the schoolyear was over, I left the country with my parents and never saw him again.
I don't know why I fell in love with him so deeply, that I still remember his name and his face 15 years later, but I know his sweet smile will be the last thing I'll see before I'll close my eyes for good. |  |
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