.†. NΩ Φne special Γeally .†.

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About me

for those who want to know a little about me,The name's Jose. I'm currently single I like Rock music. I love the rain,night walks xP and I can deal with some country music. very few. You'll always find me listening to rock(heavy, alternative, punk, black, death,ect)I'm just an ordinary guy who loves to play guitar. electic mostly. sometimes I play acoustic guitar. that is when im stressed out. depends on my moods. for drawing,i draw all the time,sketch anything,draw anything that comes to mind,also based on my moods. for writings, from poems,sonnets,thank you cards,songs for my brother's band. I'm also part of it. my poems are (based on experiences, emotions,anything really).my best subjects are writing and drawing actually. everything else not as good but I'd say I'm pretty good still. writing and drawing are my main hobbies. i work. i exercise daily(fit),play sports with my freinds or siblings, sometimes I play video games,wont lie.(mostly on xbox360 live when i do play video games). my relationship with my parents isn't soo good,worst childhood. Never met my real father . So that explains why I loathe him soo damn much. envied all those kids who I've seen with or that I knew of with a father when I was a lot younger because they had a father who would be there for them always,watch over them,play with them,take them out, fishing, sports, you know,ect...my step father in the other hand, the very opposite of what i would have wanted. He was or IS I don't know it's been nearly 10 years Since I've seen the guy. but yea, a drunk who would hit me constantly until he was tired. not for just my mistakes,but for the mistakes my sliblings have made. so yea,I've payed for their mistakes too. I know I went through alot in my past. especially when I was a kid,but as wierd as this sounds,good came out of it. If it weren't for him ruining it all for me when i was a child,It wouldn't have led me to this path and it has made me alot stronger. Can't wait to meet the guy soon who ruined it all for me. I started writing poems when I was 13-15. Songs for my brother like a year or 2 ago. I moved to 12-13 different schools. So yea,it got confusing for me. grades,teaching methods/grading methods,ect..What influenced me into writing was everything that has happened to me in real life, my thoughts and emotions. my writings are based on those. always had to make new freinds whenever I was constantly moving. Nothing wrong with that but having to leave the old ones behind because of no way see or contacting them. moved 12 times thoughout my life all for my mother who has heart problems. I watch adult swim and it's anime. i don't believe in "true love" anymore. I had one and she meant the world to me. She was perfect in everyway. Honest,Smart,compassionate,she had an amazing personality,a beautiful heart,one that's worth any price to pay. she was beautiful it the outside as well. I gave everything to her. my love,my whole heart, the girl i would have cried for.she never complained. she had a great sense of humor. really funny. She was hard working. had a job, like me. treated everybody the same no matter how different they were and I liked that she was my reason and my life. how could she do that?I don't know what became of her. this isn't her. not the girl i once knew. she turn out to be real cold, unseemly, thoughtless and heartless. she told me she was inlove with me. she used me. all i asked is why?she never gave a damn how i felt afterwards. all she cared about was herself and used me to fullfill her "needs". From the moment i met her,all these months,years,not a day has gone by when i haven't thought of her. and now that i sometimes see her around,I'm in agony. the closer i get to her,the worser it gets. the thought of not being with her makes me feel like i can't breathe. I'm haunted by the kiss she should have never given me. my heart is beating,hoping that kiss will not become a scar. she is in my very soul,tormenting me. I am driven and live soo much hate, anguish,melancholy, sorrow in my life. All I have is my hate and my hatred for her. there isn't anything i like anymore because from experience or from what has happened to me, all great things came to an end. And yes im a cutter for those who are curious. Everyday I get the thought of killing myself because I'm sick of life and having to deal with all my problems at the same time over and over. I'm always wrapped up in things i can't get out of. The reason I do what I do is because it's the only way that it'll stop the ache. I've realized that nothing in this world is what it seems and I've expected. I need to break through this. the pleasures of life, my past,life as I know. No one ever told me the failure I was meant to be until a while ago. and that was my dieing mother. I'm not the kind of guy who clings for his life. Life is what I want to lack. I'm in a world that's not meant for me. sealed in tight and stapled shut. everyday i feel like I'm sufforcating. I've been dieing a little bit each day since it happened. every day I always get the feeling that my end justifies my means. I'm trying really hard not to. to makes things right. I mean i do,but it's never and will never be good enough for my family. I know they discust and detest me, but I don't care what they think of me anymore. I'm sick and tired of trying to impress them and make them proud.