Confessions of a drunk as a skunk woman...

1. I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE MY PURSE IS.

2. I BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH MY ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING MY BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.

3. I’VE SUDDENLY DECIDED I WANT TO KICK SOMEONE’S ASS AND HONESTLY BELIEVE I COULD DO IT TOO.

4. IN MY LAST TRIP TO PEE, I REALIZE I NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS I WAS JUST FOUR HOURS AGO.

5. I DROP MY 3:00 A.M. SUBMARINE SANDWICH ON THE FLOOR (WHICH I’M EATING EVEN THOUGH I’M NOT THE LEAST BIT HUNGRY), PICK IT UP AND CARRY ON EATING IT

6. I START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE I SEE THAT I LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.

7. I GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAYS BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!"

8. I’VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO ME

9. THE MAN I’M FLIRTING WITH USED TO BE MY 5TH GRADE TEACHER.

10. THE URGE TO TAKE OFF ARTICLES OF CLOTHING, STAND ON A TABLE AND SING OR DANCE BECOMES STRANGELY OVERWHELMING

11. MY EYES JUST DON’T SEEM TO WANT TO STAY OPEN ON THEIR OWN SO KEEP THEM HALF CLOSED AND THINK IT LOOKS EXOTICALLY SEXY.

12. I’VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.

13. I YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO (I THINK) CHEATED ME BY GIVING ME JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT’S JUST BECAUSE I CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN.

14. I THINK I’M IN BED, BUT MY PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR

15. I START EVERY CONVERSATION WITH A BOOMING, "DON’T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY BUT..."

16. I FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID’S DOWN WHEN I SIT ON IT.

17. MY HUGS BEGIN TO RESEMBLE WRESTLING TAKE-DOWN MOVES.

18. I’M TIRED SO I JUST SIT ON THE FLOOR (WHEREVER I HAPPEN TO BE STANDING) AND TAKE A QUICK NAP.

19. I BEGIN LEAVING THE BUTTONS OPEN ON MY BUTTON FLY PANTS TO CUT DOWN ON THE TIME I’M IN THE BATHROOM AWAY FROM MY DRINK.

20. I TAKE MY SHOES OFF BECAUSE I BELIEVE IT’S THEIR FAULT THAT I’M HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT