Supposed to turn back the clock and pretend like you never existed at all... perhaps it would be easier if I didn't have all of these pictures of you on my wall. I suppose I could take them down - but what would that prove? It would only heighten the fact that I'm missing you.

I'm not necessarily regretting the things I didn't say so much as I'm wondering whether or not you remembered what words were said and wondering if you took those words for what they are worth.

You were my life - and my life was ripped away. Nothing I can do or say. I feel like I've been punched in the face. So I stand here on weak knees as storms of anger rush in to fill the emptyness. I'm barely able to breathe as I stand here trying to find the motivation to go on in spite of losing everything that I had once lived for.

I know that you are okay - you are tough - but that unconfirmed knowledge doesn't make it easier because there is something to be said about being able to hear your voice... hold your hand... embrace you in a bear hug... and seeing your eyes light up when you smile.

Hardest thing of it all is wondering if I touched your life enough for you to think about and miss me half as much as I do for you. Harder still is not being able to explain the situation to you... and wondering if you blame me or if you know the truth - that if it were up to me I would come see you everyday, go to all of your soccer games and all of your school plays.. go to all of your birthdays... God I miss you more than you'll ever know.








Written for the boys. We used to be able to talk to them and see them all of the time. I was going to adopt them when I finished school... some other family adopted them and they wanted a fresh start and cut off contact. Problem is, is that me and their Aunt have been the only things that have consistently been in their lives. I love these boys like they were my own. People say that time heals everything, but the longer I go without seeing them or talking to them, the harder it is for me.