You want to know what happened to the baby girl didn’t you? You went through photos searching for the missing soul of this lost girl. You wanted to breathe in every memory and breathe out every piece of pain she has ever felt. You stumble upon a lost image in her head, a mere instance that she remembers being human.


It’s a photo of her mother and her. Round glasses fill her mothers face, giving her a slightly youthful look even though it is pained with being happy and loving this miracle baby of hers. The girl must be around four but nonetheless her mother always told her shed be her baby forever. Shes being held and you can see the inseparable love between them both. In the background, a circus takes shape. She always loved the elephants. She remembers going and seeing the clowns and acrobats and how everything amazed her- always wanting to find some mysterious talent. You smile while placing the memory back into her happy thoughts. You retrieve another instance in time. She is at her uncles old house in upstate New York- her second home. Shes wearing a teal hat and a childish smile explains everything; it is snowing and nothing else means anything. Thinking back on this, you find more, consisting of picking blueberries there, chasing the dogs she loved with all her heart, and swimming with Shamu even though she secretly misses the slide even more.


Years have passed however. Her mother went back on her word. You know that she only loves her daughter because she is considered considerably intelligent. You realize blood binds nothing and love is a lie written in childhood fairytales banking on the subject matter of hope. Counting days and nights on her fingers and toes, you know how badly she wants to change everything. She went back to her uncles old house- ten years after he moved. You recall the red paint covering their beautiful home. The car shes in pulls up and finds a bitter white attempting to hide the old coat, which destroys the memory of the home she once had.


Snapping back into reality, you find her recent recollections of life. They consist of a boy that made her realize life wasn’t worth living. He made her question everything around her; and she did. With a pessimistic outlook on life, the teachers in school started whispering, leading up to a remarkable talk with a true authority figure. You laugh upon this memory of the foolish man, thinking looking into a mirror would mask the deception in her head. Self-esteem destroyed beyond binding it back together, you find a life-changing reminder of how cruel life can be. Shes on her way home from Boston- a week away from celebrating her thirteenth birthday. She is so close to home and coiled up next to a boy. She has never felt so alone. Roaming hands and tears streaming only to be met with tissues is all she would like to let herself remember.


Three and a half years later, you are trying to burn the barrier of pain and suffering- attempting to let it all go. You don’t want her to live in denial anymore but you cant see her living like this anymore. No one realizes the everyday struggle, so you lie for her by placing a smile on her face.


But this is just another love letter to myself.