Today at this moment

I feel so lost

Alone having lunch feeling alone

I made an effort to connect with some peope I felt to be my friends

But none were there and I don't expect any replies

Everyone it seems wants something from me but I don't meet any givers

If I did I think I'd be appreciative...or know that I would

I can hear the sound of forks hitting dishes and trays being emptied in the trash..

for this is a busy cafe.

In front of me there is an 60ish grandmother with her daughter and grandaughter

I think of my own who I do not see and feel cheated somehow

Didn't I love? Didn't I give so much of myself and make sacrifices.

I never asked for anything in life but now I wonder how things got so crazy.

I hear the voices of one table rising above the voices of another

Many conversations and people haveing a good time

And here I sit feeling so alone and the sound of others is just making the lonliness more apparent

I sip my water with a slice of lemon and feel the cool water go down my throat

Its just a momentary diversion from sadness.

I've never needed anyone more

Maybe a kind heart will spot sadness in my eyes and come to my rescue

It seems that in the past, in my lowest moments...someone came.

but now its been so long

I crave a chocolate chip cookie and a coffee and wish I could just fall asleep.

I have a far away freind but she's so far away and I know we might never meet

and might not ever trust each other completely.

but she has become my someone to talk to who hasn't let me down so hard yet.

I miss her right now....really miss her and wish she was right here with me.