Just this moment
I feel so frozen with sadness
and a sense of lonliness
and hoplessness

You'll think I've forgotten
today is your birthday
Though a card was sent with my name
I didn't object
but I myself could not sign it
I thought I'd find the strength to call you
but I've fought with this all day:
I cannot pick up the phone

Inside I'm in turmoil
this happens each holiday season
beginning with September
where I remember your school days
and cross country season beginning
to Halloween where we used to have such fun
but it gets harder on your birthday
Today
And gets harder still through the holidays
which bring more memories

My mind goes back so far
25 years to seeing you for the first time
and being so scared about the future
and yet so happy that you were my daughter
and I was your father
I never knew that you would give me sadness
I only loved you with all my heart
and you were always at the center of my choices

So much has passed
that tonight
I cannot write or voice it
I feel sick inside
and hurting so deeply
but I cannot say
I'm ashamed that I can't even call
and few will understand or sympathize
but I can't, though I wish I could

I am frozen
hurting
and only able to breath
in shallow breaths
as I try to think of other things
but tonight I can only think of you
It's not that you treated me unkind
Its not the things I missed
that any father should have had
it's that you never considered me
never gave me a thought

My life is in shambles
the past 5 or more years
I've lost count now
have been tragic
so much has been destroyed
all for what?

The liars and the fools
they've all been rewarded
the con artists too
and they all sleep well at night
the selfish
and the hypocrites
they sleep well too
it is onlt the lonely and the brokenhearted
that suffer the sins fo the others
and I fail to understand
though I try

You think I despise you
but I really love you despite everything
its just my lips have been frozen by anger and hurt
You think I've forgotten
but I remember everything
its just the happy times now seem like sad memories
and the bad times still feel fresh
and make me numb
as I struggle to forget them
But all around there are still reminders

Today is your birthday
the day I left my family
with no explaination or goodbye
and drove my motorcycle to Brooklyn
and took a bus to Coney Island
and rushed to meet you
and to be sure you had love
and a father and a home
and a furture

When I saw your blue eyes lock on me
My heart raced
In a moment of solitude
just you and me
I fed you
and felt you cradled in my arm
I had no idea how we were going to make it
I just knew I could not fail
You were the reason for everything
and the pain you gave me is still present
and just won't leave me be.

But tonight, I feel so alone
remembering that it is your Birthday
and being unable say
but not knowing why
the thought of you makes me break inside
somewhere you're celebrating and eating cake
But a broken heart is staring out a NY Transit bus window
on the way to meet his first child
his precious baby daughter
his little girl
with tears in his eyes
wondering how we're going to make it
wondering what it all did mean