 | So here I am, once again waiting on you. Waiting on you to disappoint me – waiting on you to take what is already occasionally emotionally unstable and shatter it. Once again I have thought about picking up the shattered pieces, and trying to put everything back together again. Perhaps I have high expectations. Perhaps I am impervious to the facts that what is broken should be swept into the trash. But here I am. Here I am – yet nobody seems to see me. Here I am. I speak with vexation and yet I weep. I weep for everything that I do not know nor understand – I weep for all the pain, real and imagined. I am at peace, but sometimes I still weep. I weep for all the times that I am not heard – especially when the words I speak carry truth and are in need of hearing. Here I am, yet nobody knows that I am here. In here. In my self-made lock-up. I refuse to have visitors and I refuse to leave. The power of people is astonishing – perhaps I wish not to be persuaded so I seek them not. Perhaps I just feel company in loneliness. I am not alone. There are people in the same house as me. There are people in the same aisle as me. There are people driving the same street as me – yet it seems that they do not always see me. Here I am. Here I am – where are you? I guess I had too high of expectations – thinking that you’d want to be with me. Thinking that just maybe, just maybe you would want to spend some time with me. Maybe you just forgot that I am here. I am here. I want you to see me, but then again, I want to disappear. Sometimes the walls try to be my friends – even though I am here, I will not let them in. So here I am – alone. Except for the current stream of things, dreams, thinking, words, letters, numbers, and thinking – here I am beneath this constant drain, swirl… uproar. Dream of you and then I don’t – perhaps it is a symbol of real life… you come and go – without taking heed to warn me, but even warnings don’t take the hurt away. So here I am – thinking about all of the things that perhaps I should do – but not always doing them. I stay out of trouble – look I am here rather than out there, but it just doesn’t seem good enough. I don’t go out of my way to help others in need – I want to, just not alone. But here I am. Here I am. Wondering how deep the wounds would be if I did try to pick up those shattered pieces – somehow, I already know as they have yet to heal. But here I am – thinking still. |  |
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