 | Read my other stories "Rejection for the better" and
"If you're not the one" to get the history of this relationship, if you have time. These arejust my thoughts. I had to get them out somewhere.
I don't know why. I've just been having kind of a hard time.
She's gotten pretty sick and we're supposed to get the test results back on November 8th. I'm so scared. Sometimes I get so stressed out and worried that I can't think straight. Ever since they did the test, I haven't been able to force myself to sleep in my own room. I've been sleeping on the couch for almost a week. The last time I did that she had left for the Uk for two weeks and I couldn't sleep by myself in my room. Now I have that problem again. Except this time she's here, I just can't sleep. I can't stop thinking about the "what ifs?" I would die without her. What if something is seriously wrong? What if she's given something horrible like 6 months to live? How would I go on in life without her? Would I?
All these thoughts keep me awake at nite. They trouble me during school and everytime I see her unhappy. Sometimes she has a hard time sleeping at nite too. I feel selfish for being so overly worried. I feel like I should be strong at all times no matter what. I feel like I'm letting her down by being so scared.
Sometimes I just feel like crying until I have no more tears left in me to cry. Like today, I was just fine, but then my ring slipped off my finger and rolled under the bleachers in the choir room and I didn't find it until the end of class. It was the ring she gave me. I almost lost it(emotionally). I had to hold back tears. As soon as I lost my ring everything seemed to cave in. The "what ifs?" slowly and stealthily entered my mind. My thoughts consumed me and I couldn't hear anything around me. It was pure torture until I found my ring.
Then the rest of the day I would just randomly feel like crying. My thoughts would wander for a second and I would lose track of everything for about 5 or 10 minutes. I pretend like I'm not worried or scared to be strong in front of her, but deep down every hour of waiting is draining me more and more. I pray that God wouldn't let this happen. She's to young!!! We have our whole lives together yet to be lived. I feel I could never love another if I lost her. I know my heart would never heal.
And even if I did try to find another love, would anyone ever measure up?
What if?
Written by N_luv
Submitted by N_luv |  |
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