 | Today I realized I have a lot to say to you. Today, while staring at the empty space between me and the wall, I suddenly realized that there are things you need to know – about me, about you, about this relationship and about everything in between us.I don’t really know where to start saying everything. I don’t know how to say it because I’m not used to expressing the feelings I feel inside.
I miss you. That’s the first thing I want to say. Late at night when I lay in bed thinking of everything that happened to me, only your face appears in the vast emptiness that eats my heart and my mind. I know I’m not supposed to think of you anymore because everything has long been over between us there wasn’t anything between us to begin with. But I can’t help it and I don’t know how to stop it. Sometimes I think it is better that way. No more Gillian to bug you late at night, no more Gillian to remind you of what you have to do, no more Gillian to stop you from being free to go out with your friends, no more Gillian to say sorry to, no more Gillian for you to keep happy, no more Gillian to please the list can go on and on and it would never stop. But in the back of my mind, everything that I thought was good has a counterpart. In the back of my mind, I wish you would think differently. I wished you would miss the late night calls that last for hours. I wished you would miss the silly messages on your phone. I wished you would miss the childish games of who is who and what is what. I wished you would miss the times we sat together just staring at nothing with silence enveloping us. I wish you would miss laughing at the silliest things and corniest jokes. I wished you would miss the funny nicknames we fight over. I wished, I wished you would love me too.
I love you. That’s the most important thing I want to say. Those three words alone can explain why I wrote this letter and why I can’t stop missing you and why, why everything is the way it is. I love you. You’re the very first guy to ever make me say it and much less admit it to myself. To be honest, I don’t really know how to love until I met you. I used to think that when you love, you have to hold hands, you have to kiss, you have to exchange sweet words… you have to give. But I was wrong. When I met you everything changed. I learned that loving someone doesn’t mean you have to hold his hand or you have to kiss him or you have to tell him he’s everything you’ve been dreaming of. You don’t even have to give him everything. You have to keep something for yourself. You have to once in a while make him miss you so he wouldn’t take you for granted. You don’t even have to talk all the time because when two people are in love, the silence between them gets too comfortable and no words need to be spoken. That’s what I feel when I’m with you. I’m not sure if you feel the same way. That’s another thing I learned. I learned that when you love, you should not expect the person you love to love you back.
It hurts like hell. It hurts so damn much. I want to curse you, to tell you that you’re the most selfish, self-conceited, arrogant jerk I’ve ever met in my entire life. But how can I? There was nothing in between us in the first place. Everything was just a product of my own imagination that has gone too far. I now know that while I’m trying my best to make you love me, you’re trying your best to get away from me.
You should have told me instead of pretending we were doing all right. I’m not blaming you for everything that happened. Don’t get me wrong. I only want to make my feelings known. I only want you to know that in this life, there was once a girl who loved you truly. Once… you’ve touched a heart and a soul and I’m not the same because of that. They say that people’s lives are like stars. There would come a time when people, just like stars die too. But after 2.5 million years, stars would be reborn; people are the same. So after 2.5 million years, I would still want to meet you again. After 2.5 million years, I would still fall in love with you. After 2.5 million years, maybe we could get another set of chances. Maybe, just maybe, you would learn to love me too.
Written by autumn_sakura
Submitted by autumn_sakura |  |
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