 | My heart, it actually aches...it feels like the worst pain I have ever experienced in mylife...and its like it won't go away...it will never go away
and tbh I can not cry anymore...I have cried so much it's like nothing's left...I'm empty...
To see his lifeless body...just laying there...with tubes attached to his body the only thing keeping him alive...that all my wolrd consisted of was everything in that rooom...
It started off that when we met in secondary school, new school new friends...He sat next to me in english and I hated him at first....I hated to talk to boys...I was a little girl...it wasnt cool...But he consorted on being my friend...until one day in year eight I decided why not...and from there on we were inseparable...so young so close...I practically lived in his pocket...he would say everything to me...make me feel like I was flying...he was always there...mayde so many plans...it was us in eveything together...
We were always just friends though.
I was about 21 by know...and I remember we were sitting in his living rooom...watching I can't even remember...talking about the girlies in his life..and I just turned to him..."How comes Sam you can never keep a girl" and laughed...and it just went quite...he looked at me for about 40 seconds, hesitated and said becasue there not you....and I was just blank, I couldnt speak...i didn't know what to do...fairy tales don't happen do they? I mean I knew him inside out...and I loved him I always had and to know he felt the same was amazing...we spent that night together...and I rember laying in his arms looking out his window at the stars...sounds tacky..but it was perfect...But then I remebered asking myself why I had even said anything...it was like something in my head was fighting wether to say anything or not....he said to me that might he couldnt not say that life was too short...unpredicatable....and tbh he was right...
eight months later....I went home from his house...eight months to the day he made my world complete
and that night I got the call...its like I knew...i knew what was going to be said to me...I knew because it was like with him I was always in two places at once...with myself and with him...like we were one bit separated into two...I can't explain the feeling...
I was scared...still am...knowing that the next couple of hours of my life would be the worst...
To see someone so happy so full of life just laying there...cold...empty...lifeless..knowing that really the only keeping him alive was a a machine...that you no exaclty what was going on but you can't explain...it doesn't happen to you...how does it happen...
I rember everyone being around...I remember the doctors telling his mother that he was brain dead...and there was no chance he would ever regain consciousness...it wa sliek watching from the out side...like I easnt even in the rooom...I wasnt even asked how I felt...if I wanted to let go If I wanted to give up...and they turned the machine off...I walked out holding my head high like I was blank nothing was real...I got to the car park...and just broke down...I could feel so much all at once..so much hurt so much pain so much confusion..so much anger...I couldn't breath it waslike sumone was ripping my heart to pieces...
Now six months down the line I think about him everyday...
all the little things we used to do...I talk to him still...like I can steal feel a glow...like half of me is still there...wondering around in some place...I swore I would never give up my life...as I was living for him....
I keep a bracket he gave me in year nine in my pocket all the time...sounds illy but he is with me you no...
all I keep thinking is what if what happend...was right...but how he knew
when he said life is too short...
you never klnow...
what if I had saidsumthing ealrier...we would have been with eachother more...just how little things can change soo much...
ill never forget his touch...
his smell
how he made me feel
I love you Sam
Written by Viki2468
Submitted by Viki2468 |  |
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