 | I was an only child a long way from home. I was off to college and the excitement of it all consumed my entire body. I was young 17 years old to be exact. My mind, as a 17 year old I thought had been fully developed but now as an adult it is easy to see that your mind is never fully developed and lessons of our adolescents are sure to haunt us for the rest of our lives.After leaving my hometown I felt an abundance of emotion anxiety, nervousness and pride fullness. I felt older. Maybe I was too young for such a drastic move or maybe just too young to handle the responsibility of true love. I first heard his name through a new friend I had found in my new place of freedom. She had told me that I had the personality of one of her close guy friends and that if I was looking for a good date she could do some match making research for me. I was excited but not too excited. I was in a whole new world and starting a relationship with the first guy I had heard of was a little out of the question. I do have to admit although I was bit negative about the idea I was curious to see what this guy was like with our matching personalities and all. Looking back on it now this mysteriousness is what makes me think I had fell for him so quickly.
A total of 2 days had passed since my new friend had told me about this mystery man and to my surprise I was thinking about him often. I found my self-wondering if there could actually be someone out there that was a lot like me. At that point in time I had never really met anyone quite like me. On the third day of my existence in my far off land I met him. Once again the way he had approached me was unlike any other guy had done. He was fresh and confident. He went to my school but my friend had never showed me a picture or given me a name so I couldn't really keep an eye out for this guy.
I was in our school workout facility; my friend was there also. She must have pointed me out to him without me knowing because I had no idea who he was when he approached me. He pointed to my pelvic muscles and said, "I like those." I didn't know what to say besides thank you. He was extremely attractive and I was quite bashful. After that encounter my friend told me that "he" was the mystery guy. I about fainted. After a few battles of eye batting and flirtation he asked me on a date. And to this day it is by far the best date I have ever been on. It was spontaneous and must of all really fun. When I got into the car he asked, “So you wanna get some dinner?" It amazed me how confident yet warm he seemed to be. I said "sure" trying to hide the excitement in my voice. He looked at me and said “O.K. what would you like? In this town we have Burger King, Taco Bell, Wendy's and McDonalds. You pick." I wasn't to sure if he was kidding or not and I didn't want to make any snobby looks like "Are you serious you cheap jerk?" But I honestly wouldn't have mind if he was being serious. He probably saw the reaction on my face and quickly said, "I’m just kidding we have a lot of nice restaurants here. Where would you like to go?"
Me being me I had to prove that I really wouldn't have cared if he had taken me to a fast food place so I told him " I actually love Burger King. I'd rather go there then any fancy restaurant." He looked at me stunned but his look was more of a, wow this girl might be kind of cool look. I was thrilled we were clicking and the chemistry was defiantly there. This next detail of our date may see small to others but to me it was a sign. As we approached the drive through window I told him that there were only 2 things I ever order anytime I went to Burger King. When I told him the 2 items that I would be ordering his jaw dropped. I didn't know why but what seemed like 5 minutes later he told me that it was so weird that I had ordered those 2 items because those were the only items that he would ever order of the menu also. Minute but I though it was cute.
After we had eaten, talked, joked and laughed I thought the date was quickly coming to an end. When we started our way back I had noticed that we were not going in the direction of my dorm. I asked where we were going and he responded with "It's a surprise." I was thinking to myself what is with this guy and the surprise and mystery stuff, I love it! We went to a local bridge and went fishing. It doesn't sound too romantic but when you're fishing on a bridge near the ocean with the light of a full moon lighting the face of a mysterious, gorgeous and funny man I don't think any girl would have been able not to fall in love with him that night.
He was sincere, asking me deep questions about my life and childhood. He was interested in my hometown and I was interested in his. In our depth conversations I had caught a fish but had gotten away by the time I had tried reel it in. This is quite ironic with the way our relationship would end. It was easy to see that this was not just going to end with a date. I wanted this guy and I was going to get him. It was shortly after this amazing date that he and I, "the mystery man were a pair". I was happy. I was happier than I had ever been in my entire life. We spent our days and nights together. Every time he came to pick me up from my home I would get an extreme case of the butterflies. It was so bad that I would actually wait by bedroom window to see him drive by. I was in love for the first time. At the time I wasn't to sure if his feelings were the same for me so I kept mine a secret in the fear that he would get scared if I had really told him my true feelings. So I played it cool.
As our relationship progress we realized one trait we had in common. We both had very high pride levels. We were both stubborn and both were horrible at expressing our feelings. A product of that was fighting. We didn't do it too often but when we did they were intense. As a result of these fights I was always in fear that he would break up with me. So being the immature 17 year old that I was I rebelled. It didn't help that I was far from home and in college. He was already in his third year of college so alcohol was so something he was accustomed to. But I was uncontrollable. I would go out with friends and get smashed.
I don't remember how the fights started but I’m sure they were because of my outrageous behavior while being drunk. But it was all for one reason. It was so he didn't think I was completely wrapped up in him. I was so he didn't think he had me and get bored and want to leave. I was in love and didn't know how to express it. If I ever saw him talking to a girl I would get jealous really just scared that he might wanted her instead of me. I honestly would have been heartbroken but not jealous. So I would rebel by flirting with guys. But mine flirting was more intense. I hung out with guys I knew he didn't like. I can say now that I was doing it for two things his attention and to show him that I was wanted by other guys as other girls wanted him.
I was awful but still madly in love. Just scared and in the dark. The next event would only increase my love for my once mystery man. I had a 2 beers maybe less then that and I was feeling awful and really drunk which was weird because I had gain such a tolerance that it had to be impossible that I was already drunk. I called him and asked him to pick me up. He did and when I got his house I fell directly to sleep. It seemed natural because it was late and I wasn't feeling to well. He fell asleep next to me. The next information I’m about to tell I don't remember it was only told to me. In the middle of the night he look at me and I look still too still. He noticed that I wasn't breathing properly in fact I wasn't breathing at all. He threw me on the floor and started giving me mouth to mouth. I was foaming at the mouth and unable to get oxygen to my lungs. He rushed me to the hospital.
When I woke up in the hospital I was told that a drug was put into my drink that I was allergic to and that if my boyfriend hadn't been laying by my side and not giving mouth to mouth that I would have died. At of all things to be, I was embarrassed. I felt foolish. And I had a hero and he was my boyfriend. After this episode I felt knew for a fact that it was the end for me. So being selfish and only looking out for my own feelings I still rebelled and still drank. I was stupid. I know now that I just didn't know how to control or express my feelings. I wanted to tell him how much I loved him but he wasn't the mushy type and neither was I. I was stuck and pushing the one I love farther and farther out of my life. I gave up. I was still madly in love him but I was like 2 different people when showing my love for him. When he wasn't around I got butterflies just when he would call or his name was brought up. But when I was around him I acted as if he left tomorrow that I wouldn't shed a tear. Our relationship would soon end and focuser it would be because of my immaturity.
While hanging out with some friends he received a phone call that he seemed pretty awkward about talking. He was quiet, distant and didn't look at me once although he was only a few short feet away. When he left for a brief moment my friend pulled me aside and said she seen the name on the caller id. It was a girl’s name. Being girls and naturally being nosy we checked the phone. But the call was never recorded he had erased it. I was heart broken I didn't know what to think. I thought to myself I had finally done it I had pushed him away. When we returned to his apartment I acted very distant he new something was going on. He asked several times and I was reluctant to say anything in the fear that I would find the truth and our relationship would end.
But shortly I caved and started to get angry my pride took over and before he could say anything that could break my heart I told him we should break-up. It just fell out of my mouth it’s not what I wanted. Why did I say that? I had no idea. He drove me home. I didn't think it was really until he told me good-bye and really just wanted me to get out of his truck. I broke down I started crying. But he was sick and tired. He was finished with my confusing emotional habits. He picked me up out of the car walked to my apartment and set me down inside. I laid on the floor crying and for the first time I let out my emotions but it was too late. Like the fish on our first date I had caught him but wasn't able to reel him in.
So he got away. Slipped through my hands and I had no one to blame except for myself. After that I tried to get him back but he wasn't the break-up get back together kind of guy. He was sturdy and he wouldn't let any of his peers see him get like that over a girl. I didn't blame him. When he left I was a wreck. I drank more and more to kill my sorrow. I know he heard horrible stories of my drinking experiences but at the time I thought it was too late. My confidence was shot and I was still madly in love with a guy who I thought hated me. What made everything worse is we didn't turn into friends. I received not closer. I couldn't even give him an apology. To this day I don't know if it was because he was hurt or just hated me.
It's been two years now and I am still getting over him. I have had boyfriends to fill the void in loneliness in the hopes that they could replace him but none have yet to come even close. I have talked him maybe 5 times in these last 2 years. Mostly through my space and the last two messages I sent he hasn't responded to. I know it is over but I am still left looking for something as perfect as what I once had. I thank him in my mind almost everyday. Because of him I am a completely different person now. I am the person I was when we first met but with more experiences beside and behind me. I wish I could show him this new person but I don’t think he could look past the old me. I still have no regrets because if it wasn’t for who I was I wouldn’t be who I am today. I know I need to let him go but I don't think that will be possible until I find someone that makes me feel like he made me feel. I know there is a lot of fish in the sea but what are the chances of catching the same one twice?
Written by Renne Vincent
Submitted by Renee Vincent |  |
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