 | Regret, Addiction and Death
A true story that tells just how ugly drug and alcohol use can be:
I was 14 and at a party with my steady boyfriend. He was 2 years older and many of his friends were seniors in high school. To my young eyes, their parties seemed wild and exciting. In hindsight I know that they were out of control and not all that exciting. But I learned that the hard way. I learned that by watching somebody die from doing drugs. His name was Gordon and I didn't know him that well. I knew he was always smiling. I knew people seemed to gravitate toward him. I knew that he was popular and good-looking. I also knew he did drugs. In fact, at least half of my boyfriend's group did.These were upper middle class kids with good parents and solid futures. Their families all belonged to the same social circles and the parents knew each other well. I felt honored to be a part of this group; they were rich and seemed to have it all, but it was strange to me that they partied with drugs. The alcohol I understood. We couldn't go to an adult hosted event like a yacht club party or a charity fundraiser without alcohol being present (and flowing). It made sense to me that my boyfriend and his friends would mimic what they saw at their parent's parties and serve alcoholic drinks. But the drugs baffled me. Jonah (my boyfriend) later told me that they did drugs to rebel against their parents. He said that it was as if the group worked as one to show their parents they were independent and that they could make their own decisions. It was ironic that they all caved into each other and peer pressure in order to express independence.
The experimenting was a grand production. Gordon bought for all who wanted and always had a little extra for last minute wannabes. It really was like a movie. I found it interesting, but I never indulged, it just seemed too risky. Turned out I was right. The night Gordon died I begged Jonah to stay sober. I told him I felt sick and might want to leave early. He agreed, and as fate would have it, it was a good thing that he did. It was 9pm when Gordon made the call to a dealer and by 10pm half the people there were on acid. At about 10:30pm Gordon started to foam at the mouth. Some people thought he was playing a joke and stood around laughing and pointing but I knew something was wrong. So did Jonah. He ran upstairs and called 911.
When the ambulance got there Gordon was in convulsions. I am talking about real convulsions, the kind when a person's body moves in ways you don't think are even possible. He was foaming at the mouth. His eyes wouldn't shut. I started to cry. The paramedics worked hard to stabilize him and quickly moved him to the ambulance. When one of them asked us what he had taken some girl answered, "Just a few drinks, vodka I think!" I'll never forget the way the paramedic looked when he heard that answer, "Vodka my ass!" he muttered as he pulled Jonah aside.
Jonah was sober and they knew he had called 911, they hoped he would tell the truth. He didn't. All he said was that he thought Gordon may have done drugs but that he had definitely been drinking - lots! I was disappointed in Jonah but too afraid to say anything myself. As the paramedic left he told us, "Your friend is already in trouble and may even die, you can't get him in more trouble by telling me what he used." This was his last attempt to get us to come clean. It failed. Not one of us said a word about the acid. I later learned that Gordon had been seeking a "bigger buzz" and had used all the hits of acid that had been unclaimed by other partygoers. His girlfriend Amy said it was 5 hits. We later learned that each hit was a double hit. Gordon had taken 10 hits of acid! On purpose!! It seemed insane because it was insane.
Gordon eventually died from a massive heart attack but his brain was fried long before his heart went out. The toxicology report on his body showed that along with the acid he had taken, cocaine, alcohol and acetaminophen. The report also showed that the traces of LSD in his body were minute but that there were large amounts of rat poison and bisodium carbonate. They figured the cocaine had been mixed with rat poison and baking soda. Turns out the acid wasn't as strong as everyone first thought. Most of the people at the party who were "tripping out" were doing so in their own mind and not because of any effects of the drug. Explains why everyone seemed to sober up so fast when Gordon was wheeled away.
The hardest part of Gordon's death to take was that we could have prevented it. I don't mean we could have prevented it by stopping him from doing drugs, I doubt he could have been stopped. But we could have come clean when the paramedic asked for our help. Not me personally (I didn't know what he had taken anyway) and probably not even Jonah, but some of the people who called themselves his friends knew what he had taken. There was even some of the cocaine left that they could have given to the paramedics to test. If they had known what they were treating him for, poisoning, they may have been able to give him the help he needed. They wasted time just figuring out what he had in his system and it cost him his life.
Gordon was an addict. He wanted an extreme high from his drugs and each time he did a drug he wanted the effect to be stronger than the last time. This caused him to mix drugs, mix drugs with alcohol, and take lots of a drug. His addiction led him by the nose in search of a new, more effective high. His life became drugs - getting drugs, taking drugs, experimenting with mixtures of drugs, getting others to do drugs with him, hosting drug parties... His mother told us he had been in rehab once and that they thought it had worked. It didn't. He was an out of control, 18 year old, addict and yet he seemed so together. He seemed so in control of his life and his decisions. He had me and all his friends fooled. In the end it cost him his life. It cost all of us a piece of our innocence. It is something I can never forget.
I still see his young, handsome face making jokes about how "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger" as he handed out the drug of the night. What killed Gordon, the drug use, did make some of US stronger. The drug use in the group tapered off dramatically. Some others went off to rehab programs or joined CA, AA or some similar support group. A few people stayed with the drugs and moved on to a different social circle. Jonah and I broke up. It was a strain on our relationship. I couldn't understand why he lied to the paramedic. I didn't get why he didn't yell at the group to fess up what they knew. I was mad at myself for being so afraid to speak up in a room full of kids who were older than me all because I wanted to impress them, to belong. It tore us apart. As a couple, Jonah and I were never the same. As individuals, none of us were ever the same.
Now I am almost 30. 15 years have passed since I helplessly watched my friend dying at a party. I still remember what he looked like. It is crystal clear. In fact, the whole night is like a slow playing movie in my head. I can stop it where I want and imagine how different things could have been if SOMEBODY had made a different choice at a given moment. I am filled with regrets. I regret not saying something to an adult. I regret going along with the crowd by keeping the drug use a secret. I regret not telling the paramedic what he wanted to know and I regret not knowing what that answer should have been. I am filled with regrets. But I was 14, what could I have done?
I could have done everything! I could have told my mother. I could have told a school counselor. I could have spoken up when the hard drugs were brought to the party and pointed out that the experimenting was going wrong. I could have asked Jonah to do these things, he was older and every bit as popular as Gordon, people listened to him. He might have reached somebody who could have reached Gordon. But I went along and hoped my own abstinence would speak for itself. That is what all of us who stayed away from the drugs hoped. We are as guilty as those who tried the drugs at making the entire thing "OK". Our silence was read as acceptance, not rejection. Our abstinence was seen as a personal choice, not a caring recommendation. If I could really stop and do it over again, I would speak up and denounce. It might not have changed anything, Gordon probably would have still died the same way, but at least I wouldn't feel like a player in his death. Maybe he wouldn't be dead at all.
Drugs can kill. They do kill. They did kill. They will kill again. Is it really worth it? Do you know the reality of the risks you are taking? You should!
~ By T. Kells
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